Divorce is full of tough financial decisions, but one of the hardest is whether to aim for a solution that’s quick and simple or to focus on dividing assets with precision. For legal reasons, it can often be complicated to determine exactly what each person owns and owes or is owed. Precision would be preferred. But as a mediator, I've seen firsthand that insisting on an exact dollar figure can often come at the cost of time, money and a co-parenting relationship.
Lawyers favor the precise route—it prefers a clear, objective dollar figure that can stand up to scrutiny years down the line. But there are always grey areas in law, for example where the paper trail is lacking to support a claim, or perhaps a dispute about whether the wedding gift from your parents was to you alone or to both of you. Spousal support obligations are provided in a range of options, never in a precise amount or duration, and are thus always open to competing legal interpretations. And precision may cost more than it’s worth in legal fees, and in the emotional cost of an extended conflict that can be upsetting to adults, not to mention children caught in the crossfire.
One way to avoid this common pitfall is to consider rounding off the numbers and encouraging both sides to let go of some entitlements for the sake of reaching an agreement. In my experience, a gesture of generosity from one party usually inspires a similar gesture from the other side. In my book, The Yoga of Divorce, I describe how my ex and I simplified our divorce by trading off entitlements. We agreed that I wouldn’t go after my entitlement to half of the equity in her business if she didn’t seek a spousal support entitlement . Bingo. It is the opposite of the escalation cycle that happens when parties trade threats.
Family law in Canada is a no-fault process. The law doesn’t normally assign a monetary value to hurt feelings. But perhaps you do. What feels fair, however, never looks the same from both sides. Planting your financial flag on a moral or emotional argument, such as infidelity, or weak parenting skills, almost always hardens the position of both parties and drags out the process.
As a family mediator, my role isn’t to tell clients what their priorities should be, just to help them understand one another’s priorities, and find a solution that maximizes both. The amount I charge is reduced and future parenting runs more smoothly when clients step back from demanding every possible entitlement, and seek a midpoint they both can live with.
But it’s not my call and a mediator doesn’t impose a settlement. Ultimately, the "great divide" comes down to understanding what really matters to you. Is it more important to achieve the maximum amount? Or would you prefer to move on quickly and affordably, even if it means mutually relenting on some claims? There is no right or wrong answer here. The key is to know yourself and your priorities.
If you know that having everything precisely calculated according to law will help you sleep at night, then that’s the path to take. In that case, I recommend hiring a CDFA (Certified Divorce Financial Analyst) to crunch the numbers, since neutral, which reduces expensive conflict. If an amicable resolution is more important for both of you, we can work together towards that goal. Unlike court, where the judge decides, mediation puts you in charge of the final terms of settlement. By being clear on what matters most, we can tailor the mediation process to help get you there, provided both parties share a low-conflict approach and civilized conversation as the route to resolution.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.
