As a family mediator, I often hear the question, "What’s the best way to prepare for divorce negotiation?" Gathering financial disclosures, analyzing assets and liabilities, or considering parenting arrangements are a good first step. In addition, however, I recommend a deeper, more reflective preparation that focuses on your emotional state and your negative judgments about the other person.
During mediation, emotions inevitably run high. Anger, sadness, and feelings of betrayal can cloud judgment, making it tough to see the bigger picture. It’s not that these emotions are invalid; they’re part of the human experience and of your life story. However, these strong feelings can lead to tunnel vision, trapping you in a cycle of negativity that hampers effective communication. It’s essential to recognize and acknowledge your emotions without letting them rule you, so you can engage in collaborative problem-solving.
Ask yourself some introspective questions: How do you want to see yourself through this conflict? What worries you most about co-parenting or sharing assets? When you look to the future, what is it that matters most? Giving some space to see the bigger picture can create room for more rational decision-making about options for change.
As you prepare for mediation, take time for self-reflection. Talk to yourself gently and honestly. Allow yourself to lean into the discomfort, but don’t let it overwhelm you. Don’t blame yourself and equally importantly, stop blaming your ex. As a mediator, I can help you through this process. It’s why I named my business Reflective Mediation.
Consider this: the judgments you hold about your soon-to-be ex-partner often stem from pain of feeling misunderstood or unappreciated. While these judgments accurately describe your past (and perhaps current) experience, they cannot help you move forward peacefully. Family law is a no-fault process; the minutiae of past grievances don’t factor into child custody or financial arrangements except in extreme circumstances. Recognizing that the other person’s perspective is as valid as yours is a significant step in shifting from a mindset of competition to one of collaboration.
The goal of mediation is not to determine who is "right" or "wrong." It’s about working together to find solutions that address both parties’ interests, and to record those terms in a legally binding agreement. Instead of focusing on what you feel you have lost in the past, consider what a mutually agreeable compromise might look like for the future. This could be a more flexible parenting schedule that accommodates the lives of both parents. It could lead to financial agreements that ensure both parties have equitable access to the resources that were acquired during the relationship.
A couple I mediated last year entered mediation with a long list of grievances, but through guided reflection, they began to plan a way of co-parenting that works for both. By focusing on their children's best interests rather than their personal pain, they were able to find common ground, craft an effective parenting plan, and leave the sessions with greater respect for one another. He understood that her push for structure was reassuring for the kids and she came to appreciate that his desire for spontaneity built more fun into the kids’ lives. The trust and respect that grew from their work was palpable, leading not only to a written separation agreement, but to a better working relationship moving forward.
In short, prepare for mediation by shifting your focus winning to the deeper goal of peace and resolution. This inward work may feel challenging initially, and perhaps you’ll want a professional therapist to help you go deeper, but however you help yourself, moving in this direction will lay the roots for healthier future negotiations—skills you’ll undoubtedly need as you co-parent and navigate this new phase of your life. Embrace the journey from conflict to collaboration.
It’s not only possible; it's liberating.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.
