When couples enter divorce mediation, they often arrive with a defensive posture. Each person, understandably anxious about their future, believes they must fight for every dollar, every minute of parenting time, and every household item. This mindset reflects what I call "Competitive ethics" – the belief that my gain must come at your expense, and that my only ethical obligation is to maximize my self-interest.
But after years of mediating divorces, I've observed something remarkable: those who approach separation with this zero-sum mentality typically end up worse off than those who are collaborative.
I advise them: take a pause. Let’s reflect. Recognize that EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED. You need to accept that you’re going to have your kids less of the time. You’re going to have fewer resources. Start from that reality. Then we can work towards terms that make this work for the kids.
The False Promise of Competitive Ethics
The Competitive approach seems logical on the surface. In a divorce, resources are finite – there's only so much money, property, and time with children to go around. If I get more, you get less. Simple math, right?
Not quite. This view fails to account for the hidden costs of conflict:
A couple I worked with spent $45,000 in legal fees fighting over a retirement account worth $80,000 before they shifted to mediation. Neither "won" – the lawyers did.
Another pair spent three years in litigation over their parenting schedule, during which their son developed anxiety issues that required therapy. The "victory" of two extra overnight visits each month came at an incalculable cost to their child's wellbeing.
The Collaborative Alternative
A collaborative approach recognizes that even in divorce, your wellbeing remains connected to your former partner's wellbeing when children are involved. Consider these real-world examples:
Financial collaboration: One couple creatively restructured their assets so he could keep his business intact while she maintained housing stability for their children. Rather than forcing a business sale that would have diminished value for both of them, they found a solution where both could thrive.
Co-parenting partnership: Another couple developed a flexible parenting arrangement that accommodated both parents' work schedules and the children's activities. When emergencies arose, they covered for each other without keeping score. They set a healthy example for their children, who thrived because they prioritized cooperation over competition.
Why Collaboration Works Better
The collaborative approach works because it recognizes fundamental truths about human wellbeing:
Psychological peace holds tangible value. The stress of ongoing conflict creates health costs, work disruption, and diminished quality of life that rarely justifies the material gains.
Children need functional co-parents more than they need extra possessions. Your ability to communicate effectively with your ex-spouse directly impacts your child's adjustment to divorce.
The divorce process is just the beginning. Co-parenting continues for years or decades. The patterns you establish now will shape countless future interactions.
Practical Steps To Get There
Ask yourself: "What outcome will still feel successful five years from now?"
Consider the full ecosystem of your divorce, not just the immediate division of assets
Remember that your children's wellbeing is inextricably linked to both parents' stability
View problem-solving as a shared challenge rather than a battleground
The path of collaboration isn't always easy. It requires vulnerability, creativity, and sometimes accepting less than what you might "win" in court. But by seeking solutions that benefit all involved, you often secure the outcomes that best serve your own long-term interests.
In the end, the most ethical approach to divorce also happens to be the most practical one: building bridges rather than burning them, even as you part ways.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.
