Divorce Doesn’t have to be a Zero-Sum Game: The Case for Collaborative Ethics in Divorce

March 26, 2025 Mike MacConnell

When couples enter divorce mediation, they often arrive with a defensive posture. Each person, understandably anxious about their future, believes they must fight for every dollar, every minute of parenting time, and every household item. This mindset reflects what I call "Competitive ethics" – the belief that my gain must come at your expense, and that my only ethical obligation is to maximize my self-interest.

But after years of mediating divorces, I've observed something remarkable: those who approach separation with this zero-sum mentality typically end up worse off than those who are collaborative.

I advise them: take a pause. Let’s reflect. Recognize that EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED. You need to accept that you’re going to have your kids less of the time. You’re going to have fewer resources. Start from that reality. Then we can work towards terms that make this work for the kids.

The False Promise of Competitive Ethics

The Competitive approach seems logical on the surface. In a divorce, resources are finite – there's only so much money, property, and time with children to go around. If I get more, you get less. Simple math, right?

Not quite. This view fails to account for the hidden costs of conflict:

A couple I worked with spent $45,000 in legal fees fighting over a retirement account worth $80,000 before they shifted to mediation. Neither "won" – the lawyers did.

Another pair spent three years in litigation over their parenting schedule, during which their son developed anxiety issues that required therapy. The "victory" of two extra overnight visits each month came at an incalculable cost to their child's wellbeing.

The Collaborative Alternative

A collaborative approach recognizes that even in divorce, your wellbeing remains connected to your former partner's wellbeing when children are involved. Consider these real-world examples:

Financial collaboration: One couple creatively restructured their assets so he could keep his business intact while she maintained housing stability for their children. Rather than forcing a business sale that would have diminished value for both of them, they found a solution where both could thrive.

Co-parenting partnership: Another couple developed a flexible parenting arrangement that accommodated both parents' work schedules and the children's activities. When emergencies arose, they covered for each other without keeping score. They set a healthy example for their children, who thrived because they prioritized cooperation over competition.

Why Collaboration Works Better

The collaborative approach works because it recognizes fundamental truths about human wellbeing:

Psychological peace holds tangible value. The stress of ongoing conflict creates health costs, work disruption, and diminished quality of life that rarely justifies the material gains.

Children need functional co-parents more than they need extra possessions. Your ability to communicate effectively with your ex-spouse directly impacts your child's adjustment to divorce.

The divorce process is just the beginning. Co-parenting continues for years or decades. The patterns you establish now will shape countless future interactions.

Practical Steps To Get There

Ask yourself: "What outcome will still feel successful five years from now?"

Consider the full ecosystem of your divorce, not just the immediate division of assets

Remember that your children's wellbeing is inextricably linked to both parents' stability

View problem-solving as a shared challenge rather than a battleground

The path of collaboration isn't always easy. It requires vulnerability, creativity, and sometimes accepting less than what you might "win" in court. But by seeking solutions that benefit all involved, you often secure the outcomes that best serve your own long-term interests.

In the end, the most ethical approach to divorce also happens to be the most practical one: building bridges rather than burning them, even as you part ways.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

"Focus on the Blue Sky" – A Simple Guide to Conflict Resolution

November 27, 2024 Mike MacConnell

There’s a common saying in conflict resolution that goes, “Focus on the solution, not the problem.” When it comes to personal relationships, the goal – the solution -- is connection. Focusing on that “blue sky” can turn difficult conversations into collaborative exchanges.

When conflict arises, it’s easy to get pulled into the mindset of blaming or “getting even.” It’s an understandable impulse, but it rarely helps us achieve what actually matters.

As a family mediator this comes up often in conversations about separation and divorce, and my job. is to reframe the blame game. The skilful question couples need to be asking is not “whose fault is this?”, rather “how can we raise healthy children from two separate households?

The strategy, in essence, is to reach agreement on the steps you want to take to get where you want to go. In the case of divorce, those steps get recorded as the terms of a legally binding agreement. In most day-to-day situations, the outcome is more likely to be a less formal, oral agreement along the lines of “from now on, when I feel hurt by something I’ve heard, I’m going to inquire first to be clear about what you meant, before I react.” The key is to communicate where we want to go, and reach agreement the positive behaviours we think will get us there,

This approach allows for the possibility of changing old patterns and growing together rather than drifting apart.

So, the next time you’re in a tricky conversation, take a breath and ask yourself: What am I aiming for here? And what can I do now to move in that direction? A focus on the blue sky may just be your best bet on finding an effective way forward.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Don't Wait Until It's Too Late: The Power of Early Relationship Repair

May 29, 2024 Mike MacConnell

Consider this scenario: a couple seeks mediation, their once-shared dreams now eclipsed by disagreements and misunderstandings. It's a familiar narrative, one that underscores the significance of timely intervention.

Communication, I've found, is the cornerstone of relational harmony. Yet, it's an art that requires cultivation and refinement. Take the common dilemma of divergent needs when, for example, one person says "I need space" while the other is asking "Why won't you talk with me?" One person wants to decompress in silence, while the other is itching for a heart-to-heart. Cue the misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and before you know it, you're sleeping in separate postal codes.

However, beneath the differences and the judgements that follow from them, there lies a profound truth: both perspectives are valid, deserving of acknowledgment and understanding. It's the way these needs are articulated and received that determines the outcome. Through effective communication strategies, couples can navigate these differences with grace and empathy.

The skills are not abstract or complicated, requiring only that your primary commitment is to connect. From this perspective, listening becomes more than a passive act—it evolves into an empathetic exchange, fostering mutual respect and validation. The key is curiosity – and the technique involves summarizing what you’ve heard the person say, being sure you fully understand what matters to them before offering any correction.

Likewise, when raising a concern, the key is to focus on the underlying value that matters to you, without focusing on the faults of the other. For example, instead of: “It is rude and unfair that you’re always interrupting me” you might say “You’ve just interrupted me. That’s hurtful, because I want our conversations to be balanced and respectful.” This can transform a tense moment into an opportunity for constructive dialogue, where vulnerability is met with compassion. What might begin as conscious uncoupling can shift into relationship repair.

In the realm of family mediation and co

mmunication coaching, I often find myself at the crossroads of love and conflict, witnessing the intricate dynamics that shape relationships. That’s why I offer communication coaching services. Through my experiences, I've come to appreciate the pivotal role of proactive communication in fostering healthy connections.

As a neutral, my role extends beyond conflict resolution or the construction of a Separation Agreement. When they wait too long, until after the love has died, then yes, it’s about negotiating a legal contract. But even then, in cases when children are involved, the work is about equipping couples with communication tools so they can become effective co-parents raising healthy kids from separate households. If they had started this work earlier however, they could have done it within the same household and without splitting their assets in half.

The message is not admonition but empowerment. Relationship repair, I firmly believe, is not only attainable but transformative. It necessitates dedication and effort, yet its rewards are immeasurable—a renewed sense of connection, strengthened by mutual understanding and growth. By fostering an environment of open dialogue and empathy, couples can mitigate conflicts before they escalate, laying the groundwork for enduring harmony.

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How to Ensure Fair Division of Assets in a Divorce? Answers to the Thorny Questions Around Dividing Assets in a Divorce

April 24, 2024 Mike MacConnell

Financial issues often emerge as flash points of conflict in separation agreements. Disputes about money can escalate quickly, and if you let them fester, can lead to prolonged court battles and exorbitant legal fees. Unfortunately, the traditional adversarial approach to resolving disputes can add to tension and prolong the process, leaving both parties emotionally and financially drained.

As a family mediator, I frequently advise my clients to enlist the help of a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA). They specialize in navigating the intricate financial complexities common in family law cases. Unlike lawyers, who are each required to fight zealously for their client, CDFA's are neutrals, like mediators, who focus on achieving an equitable outcome for both parties. Their hourly rates are almost always lower than lawyers, and are split equally between each client.

Here are just some of the items a CDFA can help with:

· Child support obligations

· Spousal support entitlements

· Valuation of the home and other investments

· Division of workplace pensions

· Tax implications when RRSPs or pensions are transferred

· Treatment options regarding inheritance & family gifts

· Status of assets brought into the relationship

· And many, many more

In all separation agreements, both parties are required to disclose all assets, liabilities, and financial obligations, but they may not trust one another’s disclosures, let alone agree on how to divide them. Without a foundation of trusted facts, disputes over child support, spousal support, and property division can linger unresolved, prolonging the separation process – and the fees - indefinitely. One of the most compelling reasons to engage a CDFA is their ability to determine who owns and owes what amount, according to law. They accomplish this by gathering evidence of each party’s assets and liabilities and entering that information into specially designed spreadsheets and calculators to determine each person’s entitlements and obligations.

All of this is not to suggest that the CDFA is always a one stop guarantee. Depending on your level of conflict and the complexity of your finances, other financial experts can sometimes be required as requested by the CDFA or either of the lawyers. This could include

· Business valuator

· Estate lawyer

· Insurance advisor

· Forensic accountant

· Real estate appraiser

· Pension Specialist

· Tax advisor

In addition to the number crunching, since they are neutral and objective, CDFA's foster an environment of collaboration and cooperation, minimizing conflict and reducing overall expenses. They save time and money in the short term, and by ensuring your separation agreement is accurate and enforceable, their benefits last well into the future.

Ultimately, the decision to enlist the services of a CDFA is an investment in clarity, fairness, and peace of mind. By prioritizing precision and collaboration in resolving financial matters, couples can streamline the separation process and mitigate the emotional and financial toll often associated with divorce proceedings.

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What Can and Can’t Be Mediated Agree on Behaviours; Accept the Differences in Feelings and Values

February 28, 2024 Mike MacConnell

Mediation brings the glimmer of hope you seek in separation and divorce. It is cost-effective and empowering. It promises a collaborative approach to reaching settlement agreements, with a particular focus on financial and parenting arrangements. Yet, as you consider engaging in this process, it's vital to be fully informed about the limits of what can and can not be mediated.

Financial and parenting discussions thrive in the structured environment of mediation, offering a pathway for couples to actively shape their post-divorce lives. Co-parenting schedules and financial equalization become the tangible pillars around which negotiation revolves.

However, within this structured landscape, there exists a realm that mediation cannot address – the realm of personal values, religious or political beliefs, and the intricate fabric of psychological states and emotions. These human features, deeply entrenched in subjectivity, resist the neat resolution that mediation aims to provide.

Consider the intricacies of personal beliefs – the values and convictions that shape our worldview. Family mediation can’t reconcile differences in deeply rooted convictions, such as whether you should appreciate one another or share similar parenting styles. Mediating subjective matters such as those is not our goal. Mediators help clients to accept these personal differences without judgment, recognizing that each of us has a right to our private emotions and beliefs.

For example, in negotiating finances, if one party cares more about an immediate nest egg and the other is more concerned about security in old age, those differences need to be named and accepted, not debated. In a case such as that, assets could be divided by transferring RRSPs and pensions to one party, while shifting liquid assets to the other. Mediation isn’t asking you to change who you are or what matters to you, rather to make arrangements that satisfy as many of each person’s needs as possible.

As a mediator, I help parties establish guidelines around future communication and cooperation that are unique to their situation. By agreeing on specific, observable behaviours, you can find ways to get along despite differences. For example, if one parent is focused on academic achievement and the other cares more about ensuring creative play for the children, they don’t need to dispute which view is superior. The task is to work out a parenting arrangement that provides a balance of both, expressed in terms you can both live with.

Thus, as you navigate the complexities of divorce through family mediation, be aware of the limits and strengths of the process. Recognize that personal beliefs and values can’t be mediated, and seize instead on the opportunity to construct clear agreements on ways to behave that respect your differences. In doing so, you pave the way for a more collaborative coparenting relationship. Because no matter how many things you may continue to disagree about, one thing you will always share is the love of your children. And that’s the motivation that matters most.

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Stop Focusing on What’s Wrong; Start Looking at What's Right How to Get Along Better? Uncover the Positive Needs

August 31, 2023 Mike MacConnell

Conflict is a natural part of human interaction, but the way we handle it often determines whether it escalates into a destructive cycle or becomes an opportunity for growth. In many conflicts, individuals tend to focus on the negative aspects of the other person's behavior, often leading to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and further animosity. What if there was a different way to approach conflict resolution—one that seeks to understand the positive motivations behind dysfunctional behavior? In this article, we'll explore the idea of looking for positive, health-seeking motives behind conflicts and how it can pave the way for more effective and harmonious resolutions.

It's a common tendency to become experts in pinpointing each other's flaws and shortcomings during conflict. When we disapprove of someone’s dysfunctional or harmful behaviour, our natural reaction is to assume negative intentions behind those actions. However, by shifting our perspective, we can begin to unravel deeper motives that drive these actions.

Consider a situation where a teenager rebels and becomes disrespectful towards adults. This triggers reactions that are normally confrontational. The adult gets upset, assuming conflict and disrespect to have been the motive. Let’s take a step back and consider the healthy intentions behind it.

Rather than jumping to conclusions about malicious intent, it's worth delving deeper into the reasons behind someone's actions. Although the behavior created conflict, the underlying drive is more likely a desire for autonomy. The teenager's actions may be stemming from a healthy need to assert independence and establish their identity.

By recognizing the positive motivation of seeking autonomy, we can now shift the conversation from judgement to curiosity. Instead of simply reprimanding the teenager, a more constructive approach would involve inviting the youth to explore their motives, acknowledging their need for autonomy, while also establishing boundaries that respect both parties' perspectives.

Identifying positive motivations doesn't mean condoning disruptive behavior. Rather, this approach opens the door to collaborating to find common ground, set boundaries and work toward solutions that address everyone's needs. A difficult conversation now becomes an opportunity for you to point out that just as they have a legitimate need for autonomy (or novelty, or excitement or whatever) you also have legitimate needs that deserves equal respect, perhaps in your case for connection, (or order or peace). When two conflicting parties understand and validate each other's underlying motivations, they can reframe the conversation and work as equals toward a resolution. This not only satisfies more of each person’s needs, it also shifts the relationship toward greater reciprocity.

Romantic couples I work with are often at odds due to differences in communication styles. Instead of casting blame and assuming negative intentions, they can engage in a conversation that explores the health-seeking intentions behind each communication preference. One person finds silence calming, yet may be viewed by their partner as uncaring, while the other’s desire for connection might be interpreted as intrusive and controlling. But the healthier needs for peacefulness and connection are both legitimate. Once this is recognized, they can shift from the unhappy impact to the health-seeking needs and begin working together to find strategies to meet the deeper needs in new ways

When you make an effort to uncover the positive intentions hidden behind unwanted behaviours , you’re on the way to building empathy, bridging gaps, and creating solutions that benefit everyone involved. You’re on a journey that builds stronger relationships along the way.

All because you noticed the positive need that motivated the hurtful behaviour.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Keeping Emotion in Check: 7 Ways to Tame the Tension in Divorce Negotiations

May 31, 2023 Mike MacConnell

Out-of-court divorce negotiations are highly charged. To save legal costs and get an agreement that works for everyone, you’ve got to stay calm. That’s easier said than done, especially when triggered by the situation. Whether you tend to yell or shut down, here are some practical steps to keep things calm and focused during your tough negotiations.

Seek a Compassionate Mediator

Finding a compassionate and empathetic mediator is essential. Look for someone who has experience working with divorcing couples, who understands the legal issues and emotional turmoil involved. A sensitive mediator will be attuned to your emotional triggers and create an environment where both parties can express their concerns without judgment or bias. Their ability to listen and offer support often makes the difference between agreement and breakdown.

Prepare Yourself Mentally

Before each mediation session, take some time to prepare yourself mentally. Take a few deep breaths and focus on your breathing. Remind yourself that you are going into this meeting with the goal of reaching an agreement that is fair to both you, your ex and your kids. You may also find it helpful to set an intention for the mediation, such as "I will remain calm and focused throughout this session."

Identify Your Triggers

Let your mediator know what gets you fuming or shuts you down. Tell them what topics, gestures or comments are most likely to set you off. By doing this, you allow the mediator to adopt an approach that supports you throughout the process. You can come up with a plan for how to deal with touchy topics. For example, if you know you ex makes comments that trigger you, you can arrange for a signal to alert the facilitator that they need to intervene.

Use "I" Statements

Using "I" statements can be a powerful tool for expressing your feelings and needs without coming across as aggressive or confrontational. For example, instead of saying "You're being unreasonable," you might say "I'm frustrated now because I don't feel like my concerns are being heard." By using "I" statements, you can communicate your feelings without making blame statements that put your ex on the defensive.

Respond to Escalation by “Going With” the Comment

Most of us push back when we hear things we disagree with. We challenge, counterattack, or provide information to correct the other person. That’s going to make them defensive and escalate things. If they have been insulting or hostile the mediator should take over. But even if they don’t, you can defuse the moment by “going with” the statement. Instead of “I am not being selfish” try “Tell me more. Help me understand what I’m I saying that makes you think I’m selfish?” If you have the patience to do this, I promise it will defuse their aggression.

Take Breaks

After point #5, you might feel yourself becoming overwhelmed. Then take a break. Taking a few minutes to step outside, take some deep breaths, or even just stretch your legs can be incredibly helpful in reducing your stress levels. Remember that it's better to take a break and come back to the conversation when you're feeling calmer than to continue the discussion while you're feeling triggered and risk making things worse.

Practice Active Listening

Finally, it's important to practice active listening during mediation. This means really listening to what your ex-partner is saying, and summarizing what you’ve heard to prove you were listening, whether you like it or not. By focusing on what your ex-partner is saying, you can better understand their perspective and work towards finding a solution that works for both of you.

In conclusion, negotiating a divorce can be a difficult and emotionally charged experience, but a sensitive mediator can help keep emotions in check and foster open dialogue. This helps create a shared understanding of each other's perspectives, facilitating the resolution of conflicts and enabling fair compromises. The guidance of a sensitive mediator can help you navigate difficult conversations and defuse potential triggers.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Motivating Change: Escaping an Abusive Relationship

June 29, 2021 Mike MacConnell

Are you stuck in a behaviour you believe is unhealthy? Do you want to make a change, but have trouble getting started?

As a life coach I come across this often. I worked recently with a woman who was trying to decide whether to end an abusive relationship. I employed Motivational Interviewing, a coaching strategy designed to help people follow through with the changes they want to make. She told me later that she wished she had been exposed to this approach much earlier in her marriage. Well-intentioned arguments previously offered by friends and family hadn’t helped her to decide. She had to come around on her own and summon the courage herself – and that’s exactly how Motivational Interviewing works.

Rather than reasoning or informing, a trained coach takes the opposite approach – bringing arguments to the surface that already exist in the mind of the client. M. I. was founded in the 1980’s by William R. Miller and Stephen Rollnick on the principle that clients already possess the knowledge and ability required for change, and will be more empowered to succeed when the motivation and confidence come from within. success of M. I

Here’s a compressed summary of our conversation. (Broad categories of common questions are included in brackets)

(background)

“What brings you here?”

“I’m the mother of a 9 year old daughter, in a marriage that makes me feel frightened and alone. Without warning he becomes enraged, verbally abusive and contemptuous. Afterwards he may be fine for a day or two, until it starts up again.”

“Do you have a goal?”

“I know it’s unhealthy. I need to leave, to escape; but it’s been going on for so long I don’t know if I can. Everyone tells me to get the hell out, but I don’t have the confidence. Or maybe the courage. I just can’t decide.

(Why is change important?)

“On a scale of 1 to 100, how committed are you to leaving the marriage?”

“I’ll say about 80.”

“OK. Fairly high. Why didn’t you choose a lower number?”

“I feel miserable. It’s unhealthy to feel this unhappy and for my daughter to grow up this way. Something has to change.”

“What would it take to move you to a higher number?”

“Well, at this point his abuse is verbal. If it gets physical, I’ll be even more motivated to leave.”

(What matters most to me?)

“Your mental health and physical safety are important. Any other priorities?”

“My confidence and self-respect are taking a beating. I don’t even like myself.”

“Sounds like your confidence is shaken. What did confidence look like when you had it?”

“I used to be full of energy. I travelled on my own, made choices, was decisive.”

“Tell be about other things you value and that are a priority.”

“I want a loving, respectful relationship. For my daughter and I to be able to trust and feel safe.”

“Are you living those values now?”

“No. Not with him, for sure. My best friend and brother are supportive, but otherwise I feel like I’ve given up. Maybe I was naïve to expect something better.”

(Why am I having trouble making change?)

“You’ve shared important hopes for the future. How does your current behaviour fit in with that?”

“That’s just it. I care about those things, but I’m not sure if they’re possible any more.”

“Can you describe how you are thinking, what you’re saying to yourself when you feel unmotivated?”

Sure. I feel weak. Confused. Like what’s the point, I’ll never find anyone better, so why bother trying.”

“Is that an opinion you fully believe?”

“No. Not at all. There’s a part of me that feels disgusted and angry at that defeated part of me.”

“Can you recall how you pictured your future when you were young.”

“I saw myself as a free spirit, a writer, connecting with people and making a difference in the world.”

(In what ways do I want one thing, but do another?)

“What about the part of you that wants to give up. Is there any benefit to thinking that way?”

“I guess I’m trying to protect myself. As if I can avoid feeling defeated by not trying in the first place.”

“How do you feel about that side of yourself?”

“I hate it. It’s the voice of weakness and fear.”

“And is that fear entirely misguided?”

“No. My partner really is frightening. It’s just that doing nothing means I’m frightened every day. I know I can only put fear behind me by leaving him.”

“Sounds like your hesitation has some legitimacy, yet you really want to make a change.”

“I’m pulled in both directions.”

(How do I build myself up to move forward?)

“Let’s explore your hesitancy. On a scale of 1 to 100, how confident are you that if you chose to make the change, you could change?”

“Not very. I’ll say 40.”

“I notice you didn’t say zero. Tell me about a time you made changes in your life. How did you do it?”

“I used to be a no-show for appointments with friends. When I realized how insulting it was, I stopped.”

“That’s a significant change. What strengths helped you succeed back then?”

“First I thought about it. Then I felt embarrassed. I decided to stop feeling like that, started wearing a watch and showing up when I said I would.”

“Would you say you found determination based on a concern for others and a desire to feel better about yourself.”

“Yes. I think that’s true.”

“What qualities enabled you to do it?

“I cared about my friendships and my self-respect. Once I decided, it wasn’t that hard.”

“So you’re capable of being decisive. Can you suggest how you might connect with those sides of yourself now?

“It might help to take small steps. Small decisions. Like being more active with my daughter.”

“What would you gain by that?”

“It would be fun. Also, I want her to connect with a stronger, livelier side of her mother.”

“Is it a step you feel able to take?

“Yes. I love her. I can do that. Leaving him is the problem. That’s where I feel stuck.”

“Tell be about your daughter. How’s she handling her parents’ stress?”

“I’m terrified for her. She tries to be brave but has been having meltdowns more and more lately.”

“That sounds like an important motivation for change.”

“Absolutely. Without her I might have given up long ago.”

“Are there benefits to the way your life is now?”

“Mainly the convenience of having a home and being financially dependent. Making a change is scary.”

“Would you say those are difficult obstacles to overcome?”

“For sure, at the beginning. Its hard to climb out of this rut even though I hate it and know I’ll be much better off when I get away.”

(What are some practical steps I can take?)

“I notice you’re talking now about “when” not “if” you get away. What resources do you already have to overcome your hesitation?”

“Just talking this way is making me more determined. I’ve gotta keep thinking this through like we’re doing now. Then act.”

“Act how? Do what?”

“Maybe call my best friend, Lisa, and my brother to get them onside. Ask for their help.”

What would you ask them to help with?

“It’s going to have to be a sudden separation, well planned in advance. I’ll ask them to help me set up the finances and I’ll need to have a place for my daughter and I to stay.”

“Very practical. Anything else?

“I’ll need help moving all my stuff out.”

“Getting support sounds important. How else can they help?

“I need them to help me think things through. My thoughts go around in circles on my own.”

“What about your own safety, and your daughter’s?”

“That concerns me a lot. I’m already walk on eggshells every day. Anything could happen when we leave, so the getaway will have to be sudden and complete.”

“We’re nearly done for today. How do you feel about what we’ve covered so far?”

“It’s the first bit of confidence I’ve felt in ages.”

Lovely. What are your goals between now and our next session?”

“I want to research housing online and get a better understanding of my financial situation. Before we meet next week I’ll talk with my brother and Lisa and hear what they have to say.”

This is just a summary. The actual coaching session delved at greater length into each of these topics. Two further sessions were needed before she and her daughter did safely leave their abusive situation.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Helping People Change

May 26, 2021 Mike MacConnell

How do you help when someone you care about is stuck in a rut? Some people leap in with advice, offering reassurance and insight. Others use logical argument and evidence.

These well-intentioned efforts may contain wise advice but rarely succeed in shifting behaviour. A clinical approach called Motivational Interviewing, developed by William Miller and Stephen Rollnick in the 1980s, has proven much more effective at helping people effect change in their lives.

Rather than teaching, reasoning and providing information, Motivational Interviewing coaches the client to discover his or her own motivations and capacities for change. The practitioner draws out and clarifies goals, listens to concerns and boosts confidence in the ability to change, eventually collaborating with the client on a specific plan of action. Learn more about M.I.

Here is a sample with a client who has struggled to begin getting in shape and change eating habits. The example employs standard M.I. questions, although actual sessions would dwell on each phase at greater length.

(Assessing the importance of change)

“On a scale of 1 to 100, how much do you want to get in shape right now?”

“I’ll say about 70.”

“Fairly high. Why did you choose 70 and not a lower number?”

“I’ve gotta do something. I’m worried about my health and miss having more energy.”

“What would it take to move you to a higher number?”

“Well, I guess if I had a medical episode, or if my partner left me, I’d be more motivated.”

(exploring values)

“Sounds like you value your health and your relationship. Any other priorities?”

“Admiration from my kids would be nice. And earning a living is important. I’m in sales and would like to feel sharper, more awake, which might come from being in better shape.”

“What would it look like if we were successful in our work to get you in better shape?”

“I guess I’d be feeling better about myself, more vigorous. Like I’ve accomplished something.”

(addressing ambivalence to change)

“You’ve shared important values just now. How does your current behaviour fit in with your values?”

“That’s just it. I don’t understand. I mean, I care about those things, really, but can’t motivate myself to do anything consistent to change them.”

“Can you describe how you are thinking, what you’re saying to yourself when feeling unmotivated?”

Sure. I feel weak. Confused. Like what’s the point, I’ll never change anyway, so why bother trying.”

“Thanks for your honesty about hearing that voice. Is that voice the whole of you?”

“No. Not at all. It’s kind of weird, but there’s a part of me that disagrees and feels disgusted by that defeated part of me.”

(identify the gap between values and actions)

“You’re describing a part of you that wants to let go, give up, take it easy. Is there any benefit to thinking that way?”

“I guess I’m trying to protect myself. Avoid defeat by not accepting the challenge of trying to change.”

“Sounds like that voice is trying to help. How do you feel about that side of yourself?”

“I hate it. It’s the voice of weakness and fear, but it’s usually in control”

“Then let’s explore this discrepancy between your values and actions. On a scale of 1 to 100, how confident are you that if you chose to make the change, you could change?”

“Not very. I’ll say 25.”

“I notice you didn’t say zero. Tell me about a time you made changes in your life. How did you do it?”

“I used to be late for appointments a lot. Then I decided it was insulting to others and stopped.”

(assess and build self-efficacy)

“That’s significant. What strengths helped you succeed back then?”

“I think I felt embarrassed. Maybe ashamed. I got determined to stop feeling like that.”

“Determination, and concern for others. If you decided to change now, what would enable you to do it?

“If I knew it mattered to my family that would help. I don’t think they think I can change.”

“Can you suggest how you might recruit them in inspiring you to begin?

“I’d have to speak with them about this first. Let them know it matters to me. Ask for their help.”

“Be specific. What would you want them to do? How can you guide them to help?

“Not nagging. That makes me feel worse. How ‘bout if we made a schedule of some physical activities we like doing together. Try to make it fun.”

“That’s a practical step. Fitness is clearly important to you in this change. Anything else?

“Shifting my diet is going to have to be part of it. I’m addicted to fast food. That’s the tough one.”

“What would you gain by changing the way you eat?

“Making meals at home would make for more family time. Better food. Healthier bodies.

“Yet you like fast food. What are the benefits to your diet the way it is?”

“Mainly convenience and craving. It’s just automatic and easy to buy fast food from a restaurant chain.”

“Then would you say convenience and craving are some of the main obstacles to overcome?”

“Yup. I think so, acting out of habit without thinking much about it.”

(decision-making)

“What resources do you already have to overcome those challenges?”

“Just talking this way is making me more determined. If I can feel good about improving my whole family’s diet that will help maintain my motivation.”

“These sound like important steps. You keep coming back to your family. How are they a resource?

“If I can encourage them to join in a bit then we’ll be able to share the load, support one another.”

“What first steps do you have as a goal between now and our next session?”

“I want to do some research online and talk with my family about making changes. Before we meet next week I’ll call a family meeting and hear what they have to say.”

Actual coaching would dwell at greater length on each of these topics, and require a number of sessions to progress through the stages that are covered more rapidly in this sample:

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