You did the hard work. You negotiated a Separation Agreement, established a Parenting Plan and thereby put the legal part of your separation behind you.
And then real life happened.
The other parent now wants to change the pickup time because of a new work schedule. But yousay the agreement is clear.
Or perhaps your teenager no longer wants to follow the parenting schedule that made perfectsense when it was negotiated three years ago.
Some separation agreements are not clearly written, so you might each read the same paragraphand interpret it differently.
What happens now?
Some Disagreement Require Outside Help
One option, called Parenting Coordination, is available for high conflict parents who continue to disagree after the separation agreement has been finalized. A Parenting Co-ordinator generally begins by trying to help parents resolve issues, but unlike a mediator such as myself, they have the authority to function like a judge to make binding decisions when parents are unable to reach agreement.
For some families, that is exactly what is needed.
But that option is significantly more expensive and formal than mediation. What if you aren’t a high-conflict family? What if you’re simply stuck and want a less costly, neutral third person tofacilitate your discussions?
That’s where I come in, offering post-separation Co-Parenting Mediation.
The fundamental difference is simple. As a mediator, I don’t decide. You do.
My role is to help you identify what is causing the disagreement, clarify each parent’s concerns and interests, improve the conversation and see whether you can develop a practical solution you can both live with.
Sometimes the Problem Isn’t the Agreement
After years of working with separating families, I've found that disputes that appear to be about the terms of an agreement are often really about communication.
A late pickup becomes: You don't respect my time.
A disagreement about hockey becomes: You always make decisions without consulting me.
An unanswered text becomes: You deliberately ignore me.
Once those assumptions become entrenched, a relatively small practical problem can quickly revive old conflicts from the marriage.
Mediation creates an opportunity to slow that process down. Instead of deciding who is right and who is wrong, we ask a more useful question:
What arrangement will work best for your children and for the reality of your lives now?
Sometimes that means clarifying an ambiguous provision. Sometimes it means developing a better way of communicating. Sometimes circumstances have changed and the parents need to negotiate a new arrangement.
Keeping the Decisions in Your Hands
Post-separation mediation won’t be appropriate for every family. Where conflict is entrenched, safety is an issue, or parents repeatedly demonstrate that they cannot make decisions together, Parenting Coordination, arbitration or court intervention may be necessary.
But those don’t necessarily need to be the first step.
If you have successfully reached an agreement before and generally want to co-parent constructively, a new disagreement doesn’t mean the process has failed. It may simply mean you need some help having the next conversation.
The goal isn’t to eliminate disagreement. It’s to give you a better way of resolving it.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 220 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.
