Mediation has recently become a popular way to settle cases of separation and divorce. Unlike a lawyer, who is trained to take the side of one client and give advice, a mediator is asked to be “in the middle” of those in dispute. Mediators facilitate conversations that ensure you negotiate respectfully with one another. You reconcile your differences by constructing an agreement acceptable to both parties, without the mediator taking sides or imposing any binding decisions.

There are some real advantages to this way of resolving disputes:

· It is less stressful than a court trial

· It’s less expensive and is over more quickly

· A judge doesn’t make the final decision. Parties in dispute work it out together

· The process is confidential, whereas court trials are on the public record

· Because mediation requires respectful communication and mutual decision-making, it tends to improve communication between divorcing parents. This has future benefits when you are co-parenting.

Family mediation has applications far beyond separation and divorce, such as parent-child or sibling disputes. Only some marriages come to an end, but nearly all families experience conflict and tension at some time or other. Many families could improve relationships and avoid future breakdown if they brought in an impartial third party to facilitate respectful, open conversation.

Disputes also arise in workplace and commercial settings, but at the end of the day you can go home and get on with your life. Not so with family disputes. You can’t change your blood relations. Family conflict impacts the most important relationships in your life, your core identity and deepest values.

Differences between people are natural and inevitable. The problem isn’t that differences exist. The problem is that we communicate poorly and avoid issues until they grow out of control. People may react with frigid silences, explosions of fury or suppressed emotions that affect their health. Well managed communication can prevent those misunderstandings and heal those wounds.

Facilitated conversations are not easy, nor are they guaranteed, even with the help of a mediator. To provide a safe space, mediators need to screen clients to ensure willingness and ability to negotiate in good faith. By that, I mean a readiness to accept the legitimacy of the other person’s point of view and a willingness to collaborate on reaching terms of agreement that meet the needs of both sides, not just your own.

Private coaching is often offered in advance of joint sessions to cultivate non-adversarial skills. In the heat of conflict, you are likely to discredit the other person. You imagine they are less worthy, that their motives are less noble than your own. When you are hurt, you may want to defeat and punish those who hurt you. These are natural reactions, but Mediation requires a calmer frame of mind. This process asks you to put aside the impulse to win and instead to seek what is fair.

This often amounts to mediating first within yourself. Check in to calm yourself down and challenge the impulse to label and judge the other person. The truth is you probably don’t understand them. This is family. There is love here, or at least there once was. Your goal is to cultivate your relationship so each of you thrives and love returns. Instead of judging and blaming yourself or the other person, mediation asks you to listen deeply to understand their unmet needs and thwarted wishes. Only then will they be open to understanding the needs and wishes that matter to you.

The presence of an impartial third party is helpful to keep the temperature of the room calm, to stay focused on one topic at a time and to slow the back-and-forth flow so that each person feels fully heard before moving to the next speaker.

Solutions are built on a foundation of understanding. Once you have listened deeply to one another, you will not find it difficult to reach agreement on how you each want to behave in the future.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

On a winter evening in 2012, I was having a beer with some friends after my weekly game of outdoor hockey. I was at a table with Jason and Pete, middle-aged men who, like me, had separated from their wives. Jason began to describe his divorce battle.

“She’s trying to take it all. She’s in a fury, won’t talk to me, and her lawyer just eggs her on,” he said through clenched teeth. “But there’s no way I’m giving in. My lawyer says her claims are bogus. She won’t let me into the house but I’ve been told I can force her to sell it.”

“Don’t your kids still live there?” I asked.

“Well that’s just it.” Jason said. “I care about them but I’ve also got to get my share. I don’t want to force my kids to move, and look like a jerk, but no way I’m going to pay and pay while she lives like a queen in the house I bought.”

“Can’t you find a compromise?” I asked.

“I tell you, she’s gone nuts. There’s no middle ground. We only talk through lawyers.” Jason went on. “I’ve already paid thousands of dollars. So has she, or even more, I bet. It’s been going on for close to two years and we’re farther than ever from a solution.”

Pete had been nursing his brew across from us in silence. “Same with me,” he said, “for two years going on three. I’m self-employed and hardly make any money. She’s got a big job. Just up and walked out on me. Now I’m looking after my son and have to fight her for alimony. How am I supposed to do that? I don’t even know what she wants.”

I had just signed the legal documents finalizing my own divorce which, from beginning to end, had taken under five months and 3.2 hours of legal bills.

“Listen guys. It doesn’t have to be like that,” I said. “There is a simpler way.”

“Yeah, right. Good luck trying that with my ex,” Jason growled.

“Have you tried talking with her calmly?”

“Dude, you must be joking. Sure I’ve tried. But I open my mouth and we end up screaming at each other.”

“Then shift your reactions. Let me describe the strategy I used.” I said, and began to outline how co-operative opposition works on yoga poses and at the negotiation table.

I explained that the key was to “park ego at the door” and to seek the best for both sides. I described how a mindfulness practice could strengthen the body and help resolve conflict by respectfully balancing opposite forces.

Pete in particular was intrigued and wanted to know more. I realized from this conversation that many couples could benefit from putting these simple strategies into practice.

Simple they are. But not easy. We most urgently need to make calm decisions at those times when being calm is most difficult – in the midst of emotional crisis. When stakes are highest we feel most triggered to attack. For the sake of our children, our wealth and our personal well-being, it’s worth the effort to work past negative emotions, and put ego in its place.

I decided then and there to put these suggestions into a book.The Yoga Of Divorce was published by Friesen Press in the winter of 2016. It is available in paperback or hardcover from www.reflectivemediation.ca or on Amazon in paper or e-book versions.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR