A friend of mine deals daily with a serious, ongoing medical problem. Every aspect of her life: her diet, daily exercise, medications, have all been radically adjusted. Due to a weakened immune system, she has to take great care, but she continues to go out in the world, connecting with friends and living her life as normally as she can.

She is one of the most courageous people I know. Imagine my surprise when she rejected my acknowledgment of her bravery. “I’m not brave at all,” she told me, “I never chose this. Brave ones are those who do what they do by choice.”

“Courage has nothing to do with whether your circumstances were chosen,” I argued, “It is about how you respond to the circumstances you face. You are making choices. You make choices every day when you face the facts and take action despite risks. To me, your choices are courageous.”

Whether you are a soldier in battle or a patient in hospital, a young lover or a spouse at the end of a marriage, external circumstances are always beyond our control. We don’t create the conditions we find ourselves in. But we always have choices in how to respond.

I work with couples who are grieving the death of their marriage. Whether they initiated the divorce or are reacting to it, they are confronted by a choice between two paths. Do they resent, lament and shrink away, or stand tall and move toward the challenge? Courage is not about choosing the challenge, but about facing it without turning away.

We live in a risk averse culture. Parents and teachers encourage kids to be safe. That’s important, of course, since there’s no benefit to rushing headlong into danger. Liability issues cause us to overly emphasize safety, however, when it is only one component of a vital life. I fear we do a disservice to our children and ourselves when we are too intent on avoiding risk. Ultimately, unwanted change will happen to us all. Life carries unavoidable risks. We are well advised to nurture attitudes that embrace a certain amount of risk as a route to enriched living.

Courage isn’t to be confused with impulsivity or recklessness. I recommend embracing risk carefully, even strategically, as a necessary ingredient to meaningful growth. Falling in love, launching a career, starting a business, driving a car: all carry risks. It isn’t courageous to rush blindly into those activities, or to pretend there aren’t any risks attached. Such denial borders more on foolishness than bravery. The courageous person clearly assesses the risks, balances them against the potential benefits, and chooses to proceed.

When my friend researched her disease instead of turning away from the unpleasant information and explored safe steps she could take instead of retreating to her room, she not only reengaged actively in the world, she also set the model, in my eyes, for what it means to be brave.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

With 40% of Canadian marriages ending in divorce, the question of how one partner should raise the topic is as common as it is crucial. When a spouse broaches it skillfully, the steps that follow flow more safely and smoothly.

To Start

1. Self-care comes first. Take time to create the space you need to reflect deeply on your own and your family’s needs.

2. Recognize that the best interest for everyone is a renewed relationship in which differences are respectfully managed.

3. Is it possible to improve the relationship? Talk about it with your partner. Listen. Seek advice and professional help. Separation is the last resort.

4. Ask yourself whether you are clear in your own mind that separation is the solution.

5. If you decide it’s over, think about freedom for both spouses, not about winning.

6. Think flexibly about how assets might be divided and children raised. Be ready with suggestions for when you talk to your partner.

7. Don’t stick it out “for the kids” It’s better to be FROM a conflict-ridden home than IN one.

Next Steps Depend on The Stage You’re In

1. Undecided

a) Raise the concerns you have with your partner at a time and place that are comfortable, private and not rushed.

b) Seek collaboration on mutual goals and steps to manage differences more effectively.

c) If the topic is too dangerous to discuss, or if, after a number of approaches, the other party refuses to acknowledge the legitimacy of your concerns, then it’s likely already too late.

d) Make it about you. Your wishes, fears, goals. NOT about blame. Not about threats. Present an open, vulnerable heart. Inquire what your partner thinks, feels, wants.

e) Inquire about their goals that are not being met. Listen. Breathe. Respond to their responses.

f) Encourage your spouse to be a partner in the project of renewal. If not, take time, reflect, try again.

g) Have a strategy for cooling off. Ie. “I know this is difficult – let’s think about it for a couple of days and talk again.”

2. You’ve Decided. Communication is Possible

a) Be direct, clear, decisive and responsive. Listen deeply. Speak without blame.

b) Focus on positive values, on paths to the future NOT faults of the past.

c) Frame the decision to separate as a mutual project in your family’s best interest.

d) Seek collaboration to uncouple consciously, with positive role-modeling for kids.

e) Allow space for both of you to process these changes. Don’t rush things.

f) Team up to research low cost, low-conflict options to court, such as marriage counselling, communication coaching and mediation.

3. You’ve Decided. Communication is Low-to-Nonexistent

a) Strategize ways to communicate that are least likely to trigger them or create additional conflict for you, such as those mentioned in section 2, above.

b) Consider having a support person present.

c) Perhaps express your decision via a letter or email (dated and copied).

d) Meet with a lawyer or family mediator to learn your rights and procedural options.

e) Allow space for them to process the news. Suggest opportunities to meet/discuss safely, calmly.

f) Research out-of-court processes and present names of skilled mediators and collaborative lawyers to reduce risk of a court battle.

g) Have a safety plan in case this escalates to group 4.

4. You’ve Decided. You’re Afraid of Reprisal

a) In cases of coercive controlling abuse, prepare carefully in advance of taking steps.

b) Do NOT attempt to salvage the relationship. Abusive behaviour will reappear.

c) Secrecy and isolation assist the abuser. Seek advice and support from others. Engage family, friends, medical team, Children’s Aid Society, shelter services, and/or police.

d) Separate your bank accounts and credit cards.

e) With assistance, create a safety plan including alternate housing and if possible, a separate source of income prior to leaving.

f) Make arrangements to leave the home while the other party is out.

g) Use a 3rd party to provide notification of your decision to seek legal separation.

h) Research ways to proceed that don’t involve a court battle. Less traumatic options do exist such as mediation with a support person and at a separate location from the other party.

None of it is easy. It may be one of the most difficult periods of your life. Be assured, however, that the care you put into it ahead of time will spare enormous problems in the future.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR