COVID-19 restrictions have brought Jill and Ron’s marriage to the brink. They’ve agreed to divorce but not to much else. Ron thinks they should hire lawyers to work it out in court and suck up the costs. Jill doesn’t want to spend all that money and time or hand over decision-making power to a judge. To her it’s a no-brainer to hire a mediator to help work things out between them more amicably, quickly and inexpensively.
Is mediation the right solution? It often is, for a number of reasons:
1. You meet on your own time, at your own convenience, not when the court dictates. It can take a few weeks or months - not a few years as court often does.
2. You construct your own agreement including terms that make sense to you. The mediator facilitates the conversation but can’t impose any decision.
3. Costs are lower for two reasons: first, you split the mediator’s fees, rather than each paying the higher hourly fee of a lawyer; second, it almost always requires fewer hours.
4. Co-parenting is easier after facilitated problem-solving sessions. There is a chance of improving ongoing communications, which is a big win for your children.
5. Privacy is a guarantee in mediation, unlike court proceedings which are open to public scrutiny.
Mediation is preferred by more and more couples these days, and is successful 85% of the time. That missing 15% shows that it’s not always the best process for everyone. It is “The Goldilocks Solution” for parties who get along “just right”. Exceptions occur when conflict is too low or too high.
Too Low:
If Ron and Jill can amicably work out an agreement at the kitchen table, why hire a neutral third party? They can save the cash. They will only need lawyers at the end, to provide legal advice and prepare a Separation Agreement.
Too High:
If conflict escalates, Jill and Ron won’t negotiate well. This is a judgement call, unique to each case, but generally mediation is NOT recommended when any of the following questions is answered with “yes”:
· does a history of abuse in the relationship prevent one party from negotiating on his or her own behalf?
· does substance abuse or a mental health problem prevent Ron or Jill from rational problem solving?
· is emotional turmoil at a peak, preventing one or both from listening?
· is one party unwilling or unable to negotiate in good faith?
These situations give cause to pause, although they don’t necessarily preclude mediation. Sometimes it’s best to delay until parties calm down. Perhaps the couple can wait until medical or therapeutic support has been provided.
Mediators are also trained to offer accommodations such as inviting a lawyer or support person into sessions. Shuttle mediation can also be used to keep parties in separate rooms.
Most separating couples are in the Goldilocks middle range, with conflict neither too high or too low, but just right.
To learn more about Divorce Mediation: ReflectiveMediation.ca
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.
