“Fake it till you make it” sounds superficial at first - as if life’s challenges can be solved by putting on a confident smile while quietly hoping no one notices the chaos underneath.
During divorce, that idea can sound even worse because authenticity matters. The last thing people want is more pretending.
And yet, in mediation, a limited and thoughtful version of “faking it” can sometimes be exactly what helps people move forward.
Most separating couples are navigating unfamiliar territory. One day you’re partners managing a shared life; the next you’re expected to calmly negotiate a separated life, with parenting schedules, split finances, and new living arrangements. Inside, people may feel grief, anger, fear, or exhaustion.
Under those circumstances, waiting until you feel calm, confident, and emotionally balanced before making constructive decisions may mean waiting forever.
This is where a measured version of “fake it till you make it” can help.
It simply means acting slightly more calm, respectful or cooperative than you actually feel in the moment.
For example, you might try arriving at a mediation session determined to stay composed, even if you’re nervous inside. You might choose your words carefully rather than reacting impulsively.
You might listen patiently when part of you wants to interrupt. This is difficult, can be daunting and may even seem unrealistic - yet you can only find out by trying.
At first, that restraint may feel artificial. But something interesting often happens: your controlled behaviour begins to shape the emotional tone of the conversation. A calmer presence tends to invite calmer responses. Small moments of composure create space for clearer thinking.
In this way, the “performance” can slowly become reality. Practising respectful communication—before it feels natural—can eventually make respectful communication possible.
This approach can be especially helpful for parents. Children benefit enormously when separated parents can present a stable, cooperative front, even while the adults themselves are still working through complicated emotions. Sometimes the ability to project steadiness, even temporarily, helps everyone regain their footing.
But balance matters here too.
“Faking it” does not mean ignoring genuine feelings or accepting less than you need. Mediation works best when people are honest about their needs, concerns, and limits. Pretending everything is fine when it isn’t only delays the real work.
Nor should “faking it” become a substitute for dealing with the deeper emotional realities of separation. Have those fraught conversations with trusted friends, family members, or therapists—not necessarily at the negotiation table.
In mediation, the goal isn’t perfection. It’s progress.
A little borrowed calm.
A little practised patience.
A little willingness to act like the reasonable, cooperative person you hope to become.
Used consciously—and within bounds—“fake it till you make it” can help you create a workable future.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 220 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.
