Don't Wait Until It's Too Late: The Power of Early Relationship Repair

May 29, 2024 Mike MacConnell

Consider this scenario: a couple seeks mediation, their once-shared dreams now eclipsed by disagreements and misunderstandings. It's a familiar narrative, one that underscores the significance of timely intervention.

Communication, I've found, is the cornerstone of relational harmony. Yet, it's an art that requires cultivation and refinement. Take the common dilemma of divergent needs when, for example, one person says "I need space" while the other is asking "Why won't you talk with me?" One person wants to decompress in silence, while the other is itching for a heart-to-heart. Cue the misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and before you know it, you're sleeping in separate postal codes.

However, beneath the differences and the judgements that follow from them, there lies a profound truth: both perspectives are valid, deserving of acknowledgment and understanding. It's the way these needs are articulated and received that determines the outcome. Through effective communication strategies, couples can navigate these differences with grace and empathy.

The skills are not abstract or complicated, requiring only that your primary commitment is to connect. From this perspective, listening becomes more than a passive act—it evolves into an empathetic exchange, fostering mutual respect and validation. The key is curiosity – and the technique involves summarizing what you’ve heard the person say, being sure you fully understand what matters to them before offering any correction.

Likewise, when raising a concern, the key is to focus on the underlying value that matters to you, without focusing on the faults of the other. For example, instead of: “It is rude and unfair that you’re always interrupting me” you might say “You’ve just interrupted me. That’s hurtful, because I want our conversations to be balanced and respectful.” This can transform a tense moment into an opportunity for constructive dialogue, where vulnerability is met with compassion. What might begin as conscious uncoupling can shift into relationship repair.

In the realm of family mediation and co

mmunication coaching, I often find myself at the crossroads of love and conflict, witnessing the intricate dynamics that shape relationships. That’s why I offer communication coaching services. Through my experiences, I've come to appreciate the pivotal role of proactive communication in fostering healthy connections.

As a neutral, my role extends beyond conflict resolution or the construction of a Separation Agreement. When they wait too long, until after the love has died, then yes, it’s about negotiating a legal contract. But even then, in cases when children are involved, the work is about equipping couples with communication tools so they can become effective co-parents raising healthy kids from separate households. If they had started this work earlier however, they could have done it within the same household and without splitting their assets in half.

The message is not admonition but empowerment. Relationship repair, I firmly believe, is not only attainable but transformative. It necessitates dedication and effort, yet its rewards are immeasurable—a renewed sense of connection, strengthened by mutual understanding and growth. By fostering an environment of open dialogue and empathy, couples can mitigate conflicts before they escalate, laying the groundwork for enduring harmony.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Focusing On Fixing Problems Puts Romance At Risk

December 4, 2019 Mike MacConnell

Our brains are Velcro for negative thoughts, Teflon for positive. Evolution has wired us that way. Nightly news producers know it, which is why, out of a million commuters, you only hear about the ones who don’t get home safely. Our city functions as a miracle of co-ordinated social and economic activity but we hear about the cases of violence.

There’s a good evolutionary reason for our predisposition to focus on problems. Our prehistoric ancestors needed to think ahead, to worry about the coming winter, rival tribes or the next hunt. They had to sharpen their spears and their wits. Those who paid too much attention to the bright side may not have survived to pass along their genes.

In modern times (at least in the developed world) our issues aren’t about basic survival. Attention to problems can motivates us to improve our lives, when done in small doses. But a preoccupation with your problems can trigger the “fight-or-flight” reaction, which prepares your body for action by shutting down the creative, problem-solving region of your brain.

Dwelling on the negative is riskiest in intimate relationships. When you zero in on the part of your love life that is not going well, you may lose sight of your many blessings. As a family mediator I often work with spouses whose story of their past is dominated by what went wrong. Conflict saturates their memory, poisoning their appreciation for anything that remains positive.

Those painful events DID occur. He really WAS hurt by her inattention. She really IS wounded by his critical comments, and those issues deserve attention. But they aren’t the whole story. Problem-solving often loses sight of the positive qualities you offer one another. Whether your goal is to heal or end your relationship, you’ll both benefit by shifting attention from what’s broken to what works.

Whether you’re reflecting on the city, or your love life, you will be at your best with a buoyant appreciation for what’s going well. The realist sees the big picture. Not just the problems.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

5 Reasons Not To Argue About Motives

November 10, 2019 Mike MacConnell

I was recently working with a woman who was convinced her ex-husband was trying to alienate the teenaged daughter from her mother. The malice she believed was motivating her husband had become a preoccupation for her. The blame game consumed her energy. The husband claimed he had no such motives. Was he lying? Was he in denial about his own deep motives? I couldn’t be certain any more than his ex-wife could. But I was sure that her repeated demands for him to change his motives were simply not working.

The only change available to her was in how she interacted with her daughter. She had to focus on improving the mother-daughter relationship without getting hung up on what she thought was motivating her husband.

Here are 5 good reasons to avoid arguing about the other person's motives:

1. You can’t know if you’re right about his or her motives. Keep your thoughts hypothetical ;

2. When you impute hostile motives to the other person you make yourself angrier. This escalates the dispute, and puts you into an emotional state less likely to come up with a solution;

3. You look like the bad guy when you make angry, explicit claims about his or her motives;

4. Motives are irrelevant. The best resolutions focus on objective behaviours that can be observed, known, agreed-to and monitored.

5. Discussions of motives rehash the past. Solutions focus on the future, and to the behaviours you WANT.

When someone hurts you, it’s natural to assume it’s intentional. “He’s spending more time with our daughter just to win her away from me.” The reaction is natural and automatic. You begin to revisit old memories, recasting them to confirm your story of the other person’s malice.

But wait. Let’s slow down. You might be right. Your speculation is one way of explaining what happened. But you may be overlooking something. Beware of claiming certainty.

If your goal is not high energy drama but just to get past the dispute then consider challenging your automatic interpretations of someone else’s motive. It won’t be easy. It takes a disciplined act of will to catch yourself in the act and to question your automatic thoughts. And then to practice patience.

We have enough difficulty gaining certainty about the tangled threads of our own motives. Let’s not claim certainty about the intentions of others. We walk a smoother path through life when we walk it with humility.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR