Going through a divorce is tough, not just for the parents, but especially for the kids. Many parents are torn between wanting to shelter their children and providing the discipline they need to grow. It's easy to swing to extremes: either being overly lenient or becoming harsh and inflexible. The goal should be to raise responsible, accountable kids while still giving them the love and support they need during such a challenging time.
The Dance of Discipline
When parents separate, the instinct is often to ease up on rules out of fear of further upsetting the kids. For instance, Lisa found herself saying "yes" to every request from her eight-year-old, Max, to make him happy. But Max quickly learned that all he had to do was ask and he would receive, regardless of how unreasonable the request was. This not only made discipline a distant memory but also led to an expectation that he could get whatever he wanted.
Instead of simply giving in, a more constructive response would be, "Ask me again when you've done your homework." This teaches Max accountability. It shows that privileges come with responsibilities, which is an invaluable lesson for kids to learn. Establishing this kind of structure helps them plan for the future and understand the importance of completing tasks before rewards.
In contrast, many parents might, out of frustration or stress, respond to children's requests with a blunt "no." While this might seem like a straightforward answer, it can come off as harsh and demotivating. Instead, offer alternatives that could lead to a more positive outcome. This not only keeps communication open but encourages children to earn their rewards.
Teaching Financial Responsibility
Financial discussions are also crucial during and after a divorce. If a child asks for something that isn’t easily affordable, instead of a knee-jerk refusal, it’s more productive to engage in conversation. For example, Sarah’s son, Ethan, desperately wanted a new video game, but she couldn’t justify the expense. Instead of shutting him down, she suggested, “Why don’t we create a plan for you to save up your allowance? Once you have enough, we can purchase it together.” This teaches Ethan about saving, responsibility, and making sacrifices to reach his goals.
Listening Matters
While it’s imperative to instill responsibility, the emotional landscape of a child going through a divorce is tricky. Parents often realize that their role is to listen and understand, rather than to solve every problem. When Sam's daughter, Lily, threw a tantrum about having to split her time between parents, Sam instinctively tried to calm her down by saying, "There’s nothing to be upset about." Unfortunately, this denied her feelings and made her feel misunderstood.
Instead, Sam could seek to understand what Lily was afraid of. “What are you worried about, sweetie? I know there is a lot of uncertainty. What are you particularly concerned about?” he could ask, validating her emotions and letting her know it’s okay to feel scared or uncertain. Not only does this build trust, but it also allows for open communication. Once children feel heard, they become more willing to share their fears, and parents can help them come up with coping strategies.
Normalizing Emotions
A vital part of parenting through divorce is normalizing the child’s emotional responses. Life can be scary and full of unknowns. By acknowledging their fears instead of dismissing them, parents create a safe atmosphere where children feel comfortable expressing themselves. For instance, if Alex’s child, Mia, struggles with feelings of abandonment, Alex might say, "It's normal to feel sad or confused and to miss the parent who isn’t with you. I'm here for you now and not going anywhere. Let’s talk about it." This prevents isolation and invites Mia to process her emotions more fully.
Conclusion
Navigating parenting during and after a divorce isn't simple, but finding the right balance between discipline and empathy is essential. By teaching children that responsibility and privileges go hand in hand, encouraging conversations about finances, actively listening to their fears, and normalizing their feelings, parents can help their children develop resilience and accountability. Every step taken in this direction not only prepares kids for the future but also strengthens the parent-child bond during a difficult transition. Remember, it’s not about being a perfect parent; it’s about being there, being consistent, and most importantly, showing love.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.
