Going through a divorce is tough, not just for the parents, but especially for the kids. Many parents are torn between wanting to shelter their children and providing the discipline they need to grow. It's easy to swing to extremes: either being overly lenient or becoming harsh and inflexible. The goal should be to raise responsible, accountable kids while still giving them the love and support they need during such a challenging time.

The Dance of Discipline

When parents separate, the instinct is often to ease up on rules out of fear of further upsetting the kids. For instance, Lisa found herself saying "yes" to every request from her eight-year-old, Max, to make him happy. But Max quickly learned that all he had to do was ask and he would receive, regardless of how unreasonable the request was. This not only made discipline a distant memory but also led to an expectation that he could get whatever he wanted.

Instead of simply giving in, a more constructive response would be, "Ask me again when you've done your homework." This teaches Max accountability. It shows that privileges come with responsibilities, which is an invaluable lesson for kids to learn. Establishing this kind of structure helps them plan for the future and understand the importance of completing tasks before rewards.

In contrast, many parents might, out of frustration or stress, respond to children's requests with a blunt "no." While this might seem like a straightforward answer, it can come off as harsh and demotivating. Instead, offer alternatives that could lead to a more positive outcome. This not only keeps communication open but encourages children to earn their rewards.

Teaching Financial Responsibility

Financial discussions are also crucial during and after a divorce. If a child asks for something that isn’t easily affordable, instead of a knee-jerk refusal, it’s more productive to engage in conversation. For example, Sarah’s son, Ethan, desperately wanted a new video game, but she couldn’t justify the expense. Instead of shutting him down, she suggested, “Why don’t we create a plan for you to save up your allowance? Once you have enough, we can purchase it together.” This teaches Ethan about saving, responsibility, and making sacrifices to reach his goals.

Listening Matters

While it’s imperative to instill responsibility, the emotional landscape of a child going through a divorce is tricky. Parents often realize that their role is to listen and understand, rather than to solve every problem. When Sam's daughter, Lily, threw a tantrum about having to split her time between parents, Sam instinctively tried to calm her down by saying, "There’s nothing to be upset about." Unfortunately, this denied her feelings and made her feel misunderstood.

Instead, Sam could seek to understand what Lily was afraid of. “What are you worried about, sweetie? I know there is a lot of uncertainty. What are you particularly concerned about?” he could ask, validating her emotions and letting her know it’s okay to feel scared or uncertain. Not only does this build trust, but it also allows for open communication. Once children feel heard, they become more willing to share their fears, and parents can help them come up with coping strategies.

Normalizing Emotions

A vital part of parenting through divorce is normalizing the child’s emotional responses. Life can be scary and full of unknowns. By acknowledging their fears instead of dismissing them, parents create a safe atmosphere where children feel comfortable expressing themselves. For instance, if Alex’s child, Mia, struggles with feelings of abandonment, Alex might say, "It's normal to feel sad or confused and to miss the parent who isn’t with you. I'm here for you now and not going anywhere. Let’s talk about it." This prevents isolation and invites Mia to process her emotions more fully.

Conclusion

Navigating parenting during and after a divorce isn't simple, but finding the right balance between discipline and empathy is essential. By teaching children that responsibility and privileges go hand in hand, encouraging conversations about finances, actively listening to their fears, and normalizing their feelings, parents can help their children develop resilience and accountability. Every step taken in this direction not only prepares kids for the future but also strengthens the parent-child bond during a difficult transition. Remember, it’s not about being a perfect parent; it’s about being there, being consistent, and most importantly, showing love.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

I published “The Yoga of Divorce” in 2016 to describe how I used yoga to manage the stress that was hijacking my life during my divorce and to forge a win-win amicable parting. I was responding to my fear of stress, based on the widely-accepted view that it could damage my physical and mental well-being. Although the stress reduction practices I outlined there are valid, that viewpoint turns out to be only half of the truth.

Recent research presents compelling evidence that stress can in fact be good for us if we change our attitude to it. In her famous TED talk How To Make Stress Your Friend and in her bestselling book The Upside of Stress, Kelly McGonigal, a researcher from Stanford University, argues that how we think of stress can determine whether we have a full-throttle fight-and-flight style threat response, or whether those same stressors result in increased energy and higher performance.

The evidence comes, in part, from “mindset intervention” experiments developed by David Yeager, a mindset researcher at the University of Texas, in which students listened to a brief talk on the energetic benefits of stress immediately prior to a stressful examination. Students who heard evidence of the upside of stress had improved recall and focus because they viewed stress as an ally rather than an enemy. Those who received the “intervention” not only scored better than those who didn’t, but their grades remained significantly higher throughout the academic year.

McGonigal isn’t denying the debilitating impact of stress. It can undermine your ability to cope and harm mental and physical health, nor does she discount the evidence-based benefits of mindfulness as a tool to manage stress. Her point is that for most of us, most of the time, viewing stress as harmful increases the risk of feeling overwhelmed and hopeless when facing stressful situations. Our fear of stress is the source of its power to harm our health. Her advice is that rather than seeking to avoid or control stress, we can choose to change our relationship to it. She argues that welcoming anxiety and stress, seeing it as a natural source of energy and alertness, can boost confidence and improve resilience.

She reports on a Gallop World Poll spanning 121 countries which showed that the happiest people were not those who report less stress, but those who manage high stress without becoming depressed. The “stress paradox” is her term for the discovery that high stress correspond with distress, and also with a sense of meaning and accomplishment.

When you take this view, life doesn’t become less stressful, but it can become more meaningful. Our culture often celebrates a risk-free life of ease and comfort. McGonigal suggests that we find greater satisfaction from challenging ourselves to meet uncertain goals. Quoting from Antonella Della Fave, she concludes that “the more directly one aims to maximize pleasure and avoid pain, the more likely one is to produce instead a life bereft of depth, meaning and community”.

In this month’s blogpost I’ve introduced this radical shift in thinking about stress; next month I’ll describe McGonigal’s recommendations for HOW we can build a richer, more authentic life by speaking out about our stress and reaching out to serve others.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR