Most of us carry a quiet, unspoken list of values and expectations into our relationships. They shape how we love, how we show care, and how we measure whether a relationship feels safe and supportive. Having standards is not the problem. In fact, they’re essential. The trouble begins when we assume the other person should know those expectations without us ever saying a word.
In my work as a mediator, I see this constantly in relationships as an aggravating factor in relationship breakdown.
Imagine one partner who believes that checking in during the day—sending a text, making a quick call—is a basic sign of love. To them, it feels obvious. If you care, you check in and share. The other partner, however, shows love by holding back. They assume giving space and refraining from unloading all their feelings is a more considerate way to behave.
Over time, resentment builds. One partner feels ignored. The other feels unappreciated. Eventually, the silent, unspoken conclusion forms: “If they really loved me, they would know what I need.” From there, it’s a short step to “They don’t provide what I need, so they must not care.”
Conflict has quietly taken root.
As a family mediator, I regularly work with couples who feel deeply let down by something the other person never knew was expected of them. Each spouse feels hurt and neglected that the other didn’t show appreciation for their hard work, for example, or didn’t plan anything special for their birthday. The other is stunned - “I had no idea that mattered so much to you. If you’d told me, I would have done it.” Both are sincere. Both feel hurt. And both are operating from very different, unspoken rulebooks.
It’s possible to get ahead of this source of conflict before the marriage seems untenable. The
solution is simple: say what matters to you, even when it feels obvious. Especially when it feels
obvious. Clear, open communication doesn’t remove all conflict, but it prevents a great deal of
unnecessary pain.
We often impose an invisible “should” on our partner. You should know when I’m struggling. You should anticipate what I need. You should act the way I would act in your place. These expectations feel reasonable on the inside, but they are unfair traps when left unspoken. No one is a mind reader, even in a loving marriage.
The real damage happens when these assumptions harden into judgments. Instead of seeing a difference in values or communication styles, we begin to question the other person’s character or commitment. Small misunderstandings turn into stories of neglect or betrayal. Over time, trust erodes—not because someone failed to care, but because no one clarified what caring looked like.
Healthy relationships are not built on silent tests. They are built on shared understanding—and that can only happen when we are willing to recognize and name what we value, rather than assuming it should already be known.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 220 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.
