"Every Job You Do Does Two" - A Holiday Mantra

December 25, 2024 Mike MacConnell

The holiday season is upon us! As beautiful as it is, it can feel like a non-stop race with endless things to do. There are gifts to buy, meals to prepare, guests to entertain, and everything else on our “holiday to-do lists.” For many, the holidays feel like holding down two jobs: one is actually doing the tasks, and the other is just keeping track of what still needs doing! A long mental to-do list adds to your stress. That’s where a little saying I’ve carried for years comes in: "Every Job You Do Does Two." Because when you complete a task, you’re also taking care of the invisible task of reminding yourself to do them.

The idea behind “Every Job You Do Does Two” is that when you finish a task, you’ve achieved two things: the action itself and the mental reminder to do it. When I first started using this motto I was a serious procrastinator. I would think about doing something, plan it in my head, even write it down on a list—and then find myself delaying and putting things off. I was lugging around the irritant of having to remember everything I hadn’t done yet. I wanted to unload that weight. This simple slogan prompted me to do the task now because it was two for one.

Let’s look at how this can play out in a busy holiday season. Say you’ve got family coming over and you need to clean the guest room. You mentally remind yourself: “I need to vacuum, change the sheets, and put out fresh towels.” Then you remind yourself again the next day. And maybe even again two days later! All that reminding can become a kind of background noise, creating extra tension and self-judgement in your mind.

But if you just do it, not only have you cleaned the room, but you’ve also removed the mental chatter of “don’t forget to clean the room.”

Or consider the holiday grocery shopping. You’ve been running through lists: the main meal, sides, desserts, drinks. Even thinking about it can start to feel exhausting. Instead, take it one item at a time. “Every Job You Do Does Two” becomes a little mental high-five for every task you complete, knowing you’ve lightened both your load and your mind.

At Reflective Mediation, we believe that small shifts in mindset can make a big difference to wellbeing. So, as you move through the holiday season, remember, you don’t have to do everything at once—just one thing at a time. And go easy on yourself. Don’t let holiday stress steal your peace. Instead, let “Every Job Does Two” be a friendly reminder to keep the season calm, productive, and joyful.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

"Focus on the Blue Sky" – A Simple Guide to Conflict Resolution

November 27, 2024 Mike MacConnell

There’s a common saying in conflict resolution that goes, “Focus on the solution, not the problem.” When it comes to personal relationships, the goal – the solution -- is connection. Focusing on that “blue sky” can turn difficult conversations into collaborative exchanges.

When conflict arises, it’s easy to get pulled into the mindset of blaming or “getting even.” It’s an understandable impulse, but it rarely helps us achieve what actually matters.

As a family mediator this comes up often in conversations about separation and divorce, and my job. is to reframe the blame game. The skilful question couples need to be asking is not “whose fault is this?”, rather “how can we raise healthy children from two separate households?

The strategy, in essence, is to reach agreement on the steps you want to take to get where you want to go. In the case of divorce, those steps get recorded as the terms of a legally binding agreement. In most day-to-day situations, the outcome is more likely to be a less formal, oral agreement along the lines of “from now on, when I feel hurt by something I’ve heard, I’m going to inquire first to be clear about what you meant, before I react.” The key is to communicate where we want to go, and reach agreement the positive behaviours we think will get us there,

This approach allows for the possibility of changing old patterns and growing together rather than drifting apart.

So, the next time you’re in a tricky conversation, take a breath and ask yourself: What am I aiming for here? And what can I do now to move in that direction? A focus on the blue sky may just be your best bet on finding an effective way forward.

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The Great Divide: Financial Negotiations in Divorce, Precision vs. Peace

October 30, 2024 Mike MacConnell

Divorce is full of tough financial decisions, but one of the hardest is whether to aim for a solution that’s quick and simple or to focus on dividing assets with precision. For legal reasons, it can often be complicated to determine exactly what each person owns and owes or is owed. Precision would be preferred. But as a mediator, I've seen firsthand that insisting on an exact dollar figure can often come at the cost of time, money and a co-parenting relationship.

Lawyers favor the precise route—it prefers a clear, objective dollar figure that can stand up to scrutiny years down the line. But there are always grey areas in law, for example where the paper trail is lacking to support a claim, or perhaps a dispute about whether the wedding gift from your parents was to you alone or to both of you. Spousal support obligations are provided in a range of options, never in a precise amount or duration, and are thus always open to competing legal interpretations. And precision may cost more than it’s worth in legal fees, and in the emotional cost of an extended conflict that can be upsetting to adults, not to mention children caught in the crossfire.

One way to avoid this common pitfall is to consider rounding off the numbers and encouraging both sides to let go of some entitlements for the sake of reaching an agreement. In my experience, a gesture of generosity from one party usually inspires a similar gesture from the other side. In my book, The Yoga of Divorce, I describe how my ex and I simplified our divorce by trading off entitlements. We agreed that I wouldn’t go after my entitlement to half of the equity in her business if she didn’t seek a spousal support entitlement . Bingo. It is the opposite of the escalation cycle that happens when parties trade threats.

Family law in Canada is a no-fault process. The law doesn’t normally assign a monetary value to hurt feelings. But perhaps you do. What feels fair, however, never looks the same from both sides. Planting your financial flag on a moral or emotional argument, such as infidelity, or weak parenting skills, almost always hardens the position of both parties and drags out the process.

As a family mediator, my role isn’t to tell clients what their priorities should be, just to help them understand one another’s priorities, and find a solution that maximizes both. The amount I charge is reduced and future parenting runs more smoothly when clients step back from demanding every possible entitlement, and seek a midpoint they both can live with.

But it’s not my call and a mediator doesn’t impose a settlement. Ultimately, the "great divide" comes down to understanding what really matters to you. Is it more important to achieve the maximum amount? Or would you prefer to move on quickly and affordably, even if it means mutually relenting on some claims? There is no right or wrong answer here. The key is to know yourself and your priorities.

If you know that having everything precisely calculated according to law will help you sleep at night, then that’s the path to take. In that case, I recommend hiring a CDFA (Certified Divorce Financial Analyst) to crunch the numbers, since neutral, which reduces expensive conflict. If an amicable resolution is more important for both of you, we can work together towards that goal. Unlike court, where the judge decides, mediation puts you in charge of the final terms of settlement. By being clear on what matters most, we can tailor the mediation process to help get you there, provided both parties share a low-conflict approach and civilized conversation as the route to resolution.

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Don’t Fear the Narcissist When Mediating Your Divorce How Mediation Beats the Sociopath at Their Own Game

September 25, 2024 Mike MacConnell

Navigating a separation or divorce can be a daunting journey, particularly when you believe that your spouse exhibits traits of a “sociopathic narcissist.” The idea of engaging in mediation might seem counterintuitive, especially if you worry that your spouse’s personality could undermine the process. There are compelling reasons to embrace mediation despite these concerns, as I have observed many times in my practice.

Clients who display narcissistic or sociopathic traits often perform surprisingly well in my experience, because they are highly motivated by appearances and validation. They may be charming and agreeable, making them more cooperative during our sessions. This desire to look good actually works to your advantage. Narcissists and sociopaths are prone to making grand promises or concessions to appear accommodating. The process effectively checkmates them, since their promises become enforceable once the agreement is signed.

If you are worried that your ex presents with these traits, it’s important to understand that mediation is not about judging the character of either party. Divorce is a no-fault process focused on practical outcomes rather than personal fault. It does not delve into who was right or wrong, nor does it pass judgment on who was a better spouse or parent. Anyone’s effort to “put on the charm” can have no practical benefit since the mediator isn’t making any judgements. Nor do they make decisions, only the clients do. Mediators are trained neutrals who understand that their role is to facilitate balanced conversations that lead to a workable agreement for the future, not to pass judgement on the past. We aren’t diagnosing personal character traits. We won’t even discuss them. That’s for therapy, not for the creation of a binding agreement.

Financial disclosure is a different matter. We can’t measure personality traits, but we can and MUST measure assets so they can be equally divided. You don’t need to trust your ex’s character, but you will need to trust their disclosures. Trust-based disclosures won’t be sufficient when you suspect your partner to be a sociopath or narcissist. You are going to need accurate evidence, calculated by a financial neutral. In such situations I strongly encourage clients to hire a CDFA (Certified Divorce Financial Analyst) to construct an evidence-based profile of who owns what. The specialist determines the objective numbers, lawyers advise on your legal rights, then I step in to help yo decide how to divide it.

As a mediator, my job is to guide clients through a future oriented process focusing on what each party needs moving forward. That includes decisions regarding parenting responsibilities, financial support and division of assets. I’m not there to agree with your assessment or to refute it, rather to guide you in shifting your focus from judgement to solution.

In conclusion, while the prospect of mediation with a spouse who exhibits narcissistic or sociopathic traits may seem intimidating, it’s important to remember that mediation is designed to handle such challenges effectively. My role is to guide you and your ex toward a resolution that prioritizes future arrangements over past conflicts, an outcome you’ve agreed to rather than one imposed on you by a judge.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Don’t Fear the Narcissist When Mediating Your Divorce How Mediation Beats the Sociopath at Their Own Game

September 25, 2024 Mike MacConnell

Mediators are trained neutrals who understand that their role is to facilitate balanced conversations that lead to a workable agreement for the future, not to pass judgement on the past. We aren’t diagnose personal character traits. We won’t even discuss them. That’s for therapy, not for the creation of a binding agreement. Our time together is centered on practical issues regarding future arrangements, leaving personal assessments and psychological evaluations out of the equation.

As a mediator, my job is to guide clients through a future oriented process focusing on what each party needs moving forward. Delving into past grievances or character flaws is rarely relevant. This means that any concerns you have about your spouse’s personality or behavior won’t influence the mediator. I’m not there to agree with your assessment or to refute it, rather to change the topic, guiding you both to shift your focus from judgement to solutions.

In conclusion, while the prospect of mediation with a spouse who exhibits narcissistic or sociopathic traits may seem intimidating, it’s important to remember that mediation’s structure and focus are designed to handle such challenges effectively. My role as mediator is to guide you and your ex toward a resolution that prioritizes future arrangements over past conflicts. Embracing mediation could ultimately lead to a more structured and enforceable outcome, allowing you to move forward with greater clarity and peace of mind.

From Disputes to Dialogue How Nonviolent Communication (NVC) Transforms Conflict into Connection

August 28, 2024 Mike MacConnell

In a world where conflicts seem to escalate more rapidly than resolutions, Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication (NVC) stands out as a beacon of hope and clarity. NVC has provided the core principles and practice I employ in my family facilitation work at Reflective Mediation.

Rosenberg, a pioneering psychologist, developed NVC as a revolutionary approach to communication that has profoundly impacted both personal relationships and professional mediation. His contributions are deserving of greater recognition for their role in reducing human conflict and enhancing our understanding of effective communication.

At its core, Nonviolent Communication is about fostering empathy and compassion in our interactions. Rosenberg’s framework, outlined in his seminal book Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, revolves around four key components: Observations, Feelings, Needs, and Requests (OFNR). This simple yet profound structure guides individuals in expressing themselves honestly and listening with empathy.

Observations involve stating facts without adding judgment or interpretation. For example, rather than saying, “You never listen to me,” NVC encourages a more objective observation: “When you don’t look at me while I’m speaking, I feel ignored.” This separation of observation from evaluation is crucial because it prevents defensive reactions and fosters clearer, more constructive conversations.

Feelings are the emotional responses we experience in relation to our observations. NVC emphasizes identifying and articulating these feelings without blame. For instance, instead of saying, “I’m upset because you’re always late,” a more NVC-aligned approach would be, “I feel frustrated when you arrive late because I need reliability.”

Needs are the underlying values and desires that drive our feelings. By connecting our feelings to unmet needs, we can communicate more effectively and find mutually satisfying solutions. Rosenberg’s method encourages us to explore what needs are behind our emotions, rather than attributing them to others' actions.

Requests are specific actions that could help meet our needs. In NVC, requests are framed positively and concretely to increase the likelihood of a positive response. For example, rather than demanding, “You must be on time,” a request might be, “Could you please make an effort to arrive on time so I feel valued?”

Rosenberg’s approach also highlights the importance of empathy, both in expressing and receiving communication. Empathic listening involves fully understanding another’s feelings and needs without judgment or interruption. This empathetic connection not only diffuses conflicts but also builds deeper, more meaningful relationships.

The impact of NVC extends beyond personal interactions to professional settings, including conflict resolution and mediation. By focusing on understanding and addressing the underlying needs of all parties involved, NVC provides a framework for resolving disputes constructively and compassionately.

Marshall Rosenberg’s work deserves recognition as one of the most significant contributions to modern psychology and communication. His approach has transformed how people engage in dialogue, offering tools that enhance human connection and reduce conflict. The principles of NVC are applicable in diverse contexts—from intimate relationships to organizational environments—and they offer a path toward a more empathetic and harmonious world.

In summary, Nonviolent Communication is not just a method; it’s a movement that fosters authentic connections through empathy and understanding. Rosenberg’s legacy lives on through the countless individuals and organizations that have embraced NVC to build more compassionate and effective communication practices. By integrating NVC into our lives, we not only enhance our interactions but also contribute to a broader culture of respect and collaboration.

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Behind Closed Doors: The Confidentiality Advantage of Family Mediation

July 31, 2024 Mike MacConnell

When it comes to navigating the often turbulent waters of divorce, many couples are increasingly turning to private family mediation as a beacon of hope. Unlike courtroom battles where every detail is etched into the public record, mediation offers a haven of privacy and confidentiality that can make a world of difference during such a sensitive time.

Imagine this scenario: Sarah and John have decided to part ways after fifteen years of marriage. Amidst the emotional strain and logistical challenges, they are faced with the daunting task of dividing assets and determining custody of their two children. In their search for a resolution that minimizes conflict and preserves their dignity, they opt for family mediation.

In a private mediation session, Sarah and John, guided by a trained mediator, can openly discuss their concerns and preferences without fear of public exposure. They can delve into intimate details about their children’s needs, financial disclosures, and personal grievances in a safe and confidential environment. This level of confidentiality allows them to explore creative solutions that are tailored to their unique family dynamics without the pressure of a public courtroom.

Contrast this with a court proceeding where every argument, accusation, and financial detail becomes a matter of permanent public record. Sarah and John might find themselves embroiled in a legal spectacle where their private lives are scrutinized by lawyers, judges, and potentially the media. This exposure not only heightens stress but can also strain already fragile relationships, making it harder to co-parent effectively in the future.

Moreover, the permanence of court records means that personal and financial disclosures made during the proceedings could potentially be accessed by anyone in the future. This lack of confidentiality can have long-term implications for both individuals, affecting everything from future job prospects to personal relationships.

Privacy and confidentiality are not mere luxuries in such situations; they are essential pillars upon which effective mediation thrives. By safeguarding sensitive information, mediation empowers couples like Sarah and John to maintain control over their own narrative and make decisions that prioritize their family’s well-being. It fosters an atmosphere of trust and cooperation, paving the way for mutual understanding and sustainable agreements.

Beyond the immediate benefits, the confidential nature of mediation encourages open communication and compromise. Couples are more likely to engage in honest dialogue and explore creative solutions that might not be feasible in a courtroom setting dominated by adversarial tactics.

In essence, the choice between family mediation and court proceedings is not just about legal outcomes but also about preserving dignity, minimizing emotional turmoil, and safeguarding future relationships. It’s about recognizing that while divorce signifies an end to a marital union, it doesn’t have to signal the demise of mutual respect and confidentiality, nor when children are involved does it terminate the fact that you are a family.

As society evolves, so too should our approach to resolving personal disputes. Family mediation represents a progressive step towards a more humane and compassionate legal system—one that acknowledges the value of privacy in an increasingly interconnected world.

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Giving Voice to the Child Empowering Kids During Separation

June 26, 2024 Mike MacConnell

I understand the whirlwind of emotions people experience while negotiating a separation agreement, especially when it comes to determining the parenting schedule and the time each should have with a child. The fear, the uncertainty, and the conflicting desires can easily lead to a tug of war, leaving both parents exhausted and the child caught in the crossfire.

Family law, in theory, is meant to prioritize the best interests of the child above all else. Yet, in practice, the voices that often dominate the conversation are those of the parents and professionals involved. The child is often relegated to the sidelines, their perspective and emotions unknown and unaddressed.

It’s natural to want to shield children from the turmoil of separation, but in doing so, their voice can be inadvertently silenced. This is where a Voice of Child (VOC) report comes in—a powerful tool that not only helps resolve disputes between adults, but also empowers the child in the process. In high conflict cases, a judge might order a formal VOC Report, but my experience as a child-inclusive mediator applies primarily to lower conflict separations, when well intentioned parents agree to work amicably at reaching the solution that is best for their child(ren).

A VOC process, conducted by a trained professional, such as a child psychologist, social worker or mediator, offers a safe space for the child to express their thoughts, feelings, and preferences regarding the parenting item(s) that may be in dispute. It entails two or more brief interviews with the child or children, and results in an oral or written report that is provided to the parents. It gives the child a voice in decisions that directly impact their life, providing them with a sense of agency and validation amidst the chaos of parental separation.

Given the stress of separation, it’s easy to lose sight of the most important perspective—that of the child. Just imagine their stress and uncertainty. These family changes were not their decision, yet here they are, caught in the middle and feeling powerless. A Voice of Child process not only helps to resolve disputes more effectively but also ensures that children emerge from separation and divorce feeling like a participant whose voice has been valued.

I have undertaken VOC process with children as young as 6 and as old as 17. In every case I have found them willing, even eager to participate, after I reassure them, in an introductory meeting, they are not being asked to choose sides, or to make decisions, just to share their honest thoughts and feelings. It is presented as a way to guide the decisions of their parents.

The process can clear up misunderstandings. With the best of intentions, for example, children may try to reassure parents by telling each one what they want to hear. I just completed a case in which each parent believed the child wanted to live primarily with them. My co-mediator and I met with the 12-year-old on Zoom for less than an hour, on two separate occasions, and came away confident that her actual preference was equal time with mom and dad. To the credit of both parents, they accepted this information and quickly settled the parenting schedule.

The idea of involving a child in such discussions is often unappealing at first, especially when emotions are running high. However, it’s crucial to remember that a VOC process is conducted

with the utmost sensitivity and professionalism, ensuring that the child feels supported and empowered throughout the process. It takes place only if both parents and the child agree to proceed.

There’s no need to worry that a VOC process pressures the child to become the decision-maker. As we say, “the child has a voice but not the choice”. Adults must still decide, and will do so more wisely when guided by a neutral 3rd party. A well-constructed Separation Agreement is designed to evolve as needs and conditions change.

Seeking input from the child(ren) demonstrates commitment to their emotional welfare and fosters a sense of trust and inclusion. This not only lays the foundation for healthier co-parenting dynamics, but also helps children feel more agency as they navigate the challenges of separation.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 100 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Don't Wait Until It's Too Late: The Power of Early Relationship Repair

May 29, 2024 Mike MacConnell

Consider this scenario: a couple seeks mediation, their once-shared dreams now eclipsed by disagreements and misunderstandings. It's a familiar narrative, one that underscores the significance of timely intervention.

Communication, I've found, is the cornerstone of relational harmony. Yet, it's an art that requires cultivation and refinement. Take the common dilemma of divergent needs when, for example, one person says "I need space" while the other is asking "Why won't you talk with me?" One person wants to decompress in silence, while the other is itching for a heart-to-heart. Cue the misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and before you know it, you're sleeping in separate postal codes.

However, beneath the differences and the judgements that follow from them, there lies a profound truth: both perspectives are valid, deserving of acknowledgment and understanding. It's the way these needs are articulated and received that determines the outcome. Through effective communication strategies, couples can navigate these differences with grace and empathy.

The skills are not abstract or complicated, requiring only that your primary commitment is to connect. From this perspective, listening becomes more than a passive act—it evolves into an empathetic exchange, fostering mutual respect and validation. The key is curiosity – and the technique involves summarizing what you’ve heard the person say, being sure you fully understand what matters to them before offering any correction.

Likewise, when raising a concern, the key is to focus on the underlying value that matters to you, without focusing on the faults of the other. For example, instead of: “It is rude and unfair that you’re always interrupting me” you might say “You’ve just interrupted me. That’s hurtful, because I want our conversations to be balanced and respectful.” This can transform a tense moment into an opportunity for constructive dialogue, where vulnerability is met with compassion. What might begin as conscious uncoupling can shift into relationship repair.

In the realm of family mediation and co

mmunication coaching, I often find myself at the crossroads of love and conflict, witnessing the intricate dynamics that shape relationships. That’s why I offer communication coaching services. Through my experiences, I've come to appreciate the pivotal role of proactive communication in fostering healthy connections.

As a neutral, my role extends beyond conflict resolution or the construction of a Separation Agreement. When they wait too long, until after the love has died, then yes, it’s about negotiating a legal contract. But even then, in cases when children are involved, the work is about equipping couples with communication tools so they can become effective co-parents raising healthy kids from separate households. If they had started this work earlier however, they could have done it within the same household and without splitting their assets in half.

The message is not admonition but empowerment. Relationship repair, I firmly believe, is not only attainable but transformative. It necessitates dedication and effort, yet its rewards are immeasurable—a renewed sense of connection, strengthened by mutual understanding and growth. By fostering an environment of open dialogue and empathy, couples can mitigate conflicts before they escalate, laying the groundwork for enduring harmony.

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How to Ensure Fair Division of Assets in a Divorce? Answers to the Thorny Questions Around Dividing Assets in a Divorce

April 24, 2024 Mike MacConnell

Financial issues often emerge as flash points of conflict in separation agreements. Disputes about money can escalate quickly, and if you let them fester, can lead to prolonged court battles and exorbitant legal fees. Unfortunately, the traditional adversarial approach to resolving disputes can add to tension and prolong the process, leaving both parties emotionally and financially drained.

As a family mediator, I frequently advise my clients to enlist the help of a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA). They specialize in navigating the intricate financial complexities common in family law cases. Unlike lawyers, who are each required to fight zealously for their client, CDFA's are neutrals, like mediators, who focus on achieving an equitable outcome for both parties. Their hourly rates are almost always lower than lawyers, and are split equally between each client.

Here are just some of the items a CDFA can help with:

· Child support obligations

· Spousal support entitlements

· Valuation of the home and other investments

· Division of workplace pensions

· Tax implications when RRSPs or pensions are transferred

· Treatment options regarding inheritance & family gifts

· Status of assets brought into the relationship

· And many, many more

In all separation agreements, both parties are required to disclose all assets, liabilities, and financial obligations, but they may not trust one another’s disclosures, let alone agree on how to divide them. Without a foundation of trusted facts, disputes over child support, spousal support, and property division can linger unresolved, prolonging the separation process – and the fees - indefinitely. One of the most compelling reasons to engage a CDFA is their ability to determine who owns and owes what amount, according to law. They accomplish this by gathering evidence of each party’s assets and liabilities and entering that information into specially designed spreadsheets and calculators to determine each person’s entitlements and obligations.

All of this is not to suggest that the CDFA is always a one stop guarantee. Depending on your level of conflict and the complexity of your finances, other financial experts can sometimes be required as requested by the CDFA or either of the lawyers. This could include

· Business valuator

· Estate lawyer

· Insurance advisor

· Forensic accountant

· Real estate appraiser

· Pension Specialist

· Tax advisor

In addition to the number crunching, since they are neutral and objective, CDFA's foster an environment of collaboration and cooperation, minimizing conflict and reducing overall expenses. They save time and money in the short term, and by ensuring your separation agreement is accurate and enforceable, their benefits last well into the future.

Ultimately, the decision to enlist the services of a CDFA is an investment in clarity, fairness, and peace of mind. By prioritizing precision and collaboration in resolving financial matters, couples can streamline the separation process and mitigate the emotional and financial toll often associated with divorce proceedings.

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Mediation Works, Even When You Hate Each Other (The Best Revenge is Saying Goodbye)

March 27, 2024 Mike MacConnell

Are you dreading the drama that comes with divorce? Well, there’s an alternative to airing all your dirty laundry in court or pursuing an equally costly lawyer-led process. It’s called family mediation.

When you're going through a separation or divorce, the last thing you need is to spend your money and your days locked in a bitter feud with your ex. But all too often, that's exactly what happens. You're grieving, hurt, and likely furious at each other. It's understandable; after all, emotions run high during breakups.

But here's the thing, you still have something in common, your desire to save money and protect your children. Dislike doesn’t have to mean duking it out in court. Family mediation offers a non-adversarial process, a breath of fresh air that’s particularly helpful when things feel toxic. A mediator can help facilitate agreement on parenting and financial matters, even when parties are miles apart.

You're likely thinking. "But we hate each other! How on earth are we supposed to come to an agreement?" Well, here’s a surprising secret: hate isn't a deal breaker. Not even close.

Only good faith really matters.

Good faith means you're willing to put aside your animosity to work towards a solution. It means being honest about your finances, keeping the personal attacks at bay, and focusing on finding a resolution that works for you both, and your children.

You don't have to be friendly to make it work. In fact, with the guidance of an experienced mediator, couples who can't stand each other, can come to a successful solution in part because they’re super motivated to make a deal that earn s them their freedom faster.

Take Sarah and Paul, for example. They were locked in a bitter battle over their parenting schedule. She couldn't stand Paul after his infidelity, and he was furious that she frequently criticized him in public. Once they realized their kids were getting caught in the crossfire, they knew something had to change.

They decided to give mediation a shot. With the help of a skilled mediator, they worked around their differences to focus on their children. They came up with a custody arrangement that allowed both to spend quality time parenting, thereby bypassing the courtroom battle and getting the freedom they needed on their own terms, not those of a judge.

Now, don't get me wrong. It isn't easy. It takes restraint and a whole lot of patience, plus the willingness to accept a deal you can live with despite not getting everything you want.

But ask yourself this: what do you want more, the freedom that comes from a signed agreement, or the years-long drama of trying to get even with your ex? If you're ready to put the past behind you and move forward with your life, then mediation might just offer the answer you're looking for.

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What Can and Can’t Be Mediated Agree on Behaviours; Accept the Differences in Feelings and Values

February 28, 2024 Mike MacConnell

Mediation brings the glimmer of hope you seek in separation and divorce. It is cost-effective and empowering. It promises a collaborative approach to reaching settlement agreements, with a particular focus on financial and parenting arrangements. Yet, as you consider engaging in this process, it's vital to be fully informed about the limits of what can and can not be mediated.

Financial and parenting discussions thrive in the structured environment of mediation, offering a pathway for couples to actively shape their post-divorce lives. Co-parenting schedules and financial equalization become the tangible pillars around which negotiation revolves.

However, within this structured landscape, there exists a realm that mediation cannot address – the realm of personal values, religious or political beliefs, and the intricate fabric of psychological states and emotions. These human features, deeply entrenched in subjectivity, resist the neat resolution that mediation aims to provide.

Consider the intricacies of personal beliefs – the values and convictions that shape our worldview. Family mediation can’t reconcile differences in deeply rooted convictions, such as whether you should appreciate one another or share similar parenting styles. Mediating subjective matters such as those is not our goal. Mediators help clients to accept these personal differences without judgment, recognizing that each of us has a right to our private emotions and beliefs.

For example, in negotiating finances, if one party cares more about an immediate nest egg and the other is more concerned about security in old age, those differences need to be named and accepted, not debated. In a case such as that, assets could be divided by transferring RRSPs and pensions to one party, while shifting liquid assets to the other. Mediation isn’t asking you to change who you are or what matters to you, rather to make arrangements that satisfy as many of each person’s needs as possible.

As a mediator, I help parties establish guidelines around future communication and cooperation that are unique to their situation. By agreeing on specific, observable behaviours, you can find ways to get along despite differences. For example, if one parent is focused on academic achievement and the other cares more about ensuring creative play for the children, they don’t need to dispute which view is superior. The task is to work out a parenting arrangement that provides a balance of both, expressed in terms you can both live with.

Thus, as you navigate the complexities of divorce through family mediation, be aware of the limits and strengths of the process. Recognize that personal beliefs and values can’t be mediated, and seize instead on the opportunity to construct clear agreements on ways to behave that respect your differences. In doing so, you pave the way for a more collaborative coparenting relationship. Because no matter how many things you may continue to disagree about, one thing you will always share is the love of your children. And that’s the motivation that matters most.

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Truth Telling in Divorce Mediation Why Your Ex’s Lying Isn’t the Problem You Think It Is

January 31, 2024 Mike MacConnell

When mediating a separation or divorce, I frequently encounter clients who express skepticism about the effectiveness of mediation due to concerns about dishonesty by their partner. Commonly, individuals worry that their soon-to-be ex-spouse is prone to deception. While these are legitimate fears, it is crucial to understand that the mediation process is not a courtroom drama centered on past grievances. It doesn’t reward or punish based on past behaviour. Instead, it is a forward-focused endeavor, aiming to construct a roadmap for the future.

Mediation, unlike litigation, is not about seeking evidence to build a case, except around financial disclosures. Separation is officially a No Fault procedure. It avoids the pitfalls of determining who was a better parent, spouse or person. The central document produced during mediation, the Separation Agreement or Memorandum of Understanding, is not a narrative of the past but a blueprint for the future. Family law is designed to ensure that, except in extreme situations, each party has equal entitlement to time with their children and equal access to financial assets, steering clear of the blame game.

Liars often strive to present themselves in the best light, making promises they may not intend to keep. Such false promises can backfire tremendously, since the Separation Agreement is a legally binding document, and any deviation from its terms can lead to severe consequences for the party attempting to deceive. For example, imagine a case when one party claims a desire for shared parenting time to reduce their child support obligation, but they have no intention to follow through. If the honest parent keeps track of the times they were asked to fill in for the other parent and can show they have been parenting for more than 60% of the time, they can report the situation to the Family Responsibility Office (FRO), a government body that has authority to order retroactive child support payments, and even to garnishee the wages of the parent who hasn’t followed through on their obligation.

The emotional toll of such false portrayals during mediation isn’t easy to take. But if you can’t trust the other party you can still trust the process. Let the liar lie, for it is they who box themselves into a corner. The Separation Agreement becomes a powerful tool, holding them accountable for their commitments. For both parties the challenge at hand is remaining emotionally untriggered. The mediator’s job, in part, is to discourage conflict around what may have happened in the marriage. It’s not therapy or a forum for judging who is right or wrong.

It is a pragmatic process aimed at fostering cooperation in reaching mutual agreement. The document your are crafting is a roadmap for the future, describing desired behaviors and commitments going forward. I encourage clients to view the Agreement they are creating as a shield against deceit, offering a path forward based on accountability to a legal contract.

Divorce mediation is a powerful tool for those navigating the challenging terrain of separation. By understanding that the process is not about rehashing or agreeing on the past but charting a course for the future, individuals can confidently engage in mediation, knowing that lies have limited power in the face of a legally binding and forward-looking Separation Agreement.

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