Focusing On Fixing Problems Puts Romance At Risk

Our brains are Velcro for negative thoughts, Teflon for positive.  Evolution has wired us that way.  Nightly news producers know it, which is why, out of a million commuters, you only hear about the ones who don’t get home safely.  Our city functions as a miracle of co-ordinated social and economic activity but we hear about the cases of violence. 

There’s a good evolutionary reason for our predisposition to focus on problems.  Our prehistoric ancestors needed to think ahead, to worry about the coming winter, rival tribes or the next hunt.  They had to sharpen their spears and their wits.  Those who paid too much attention to the bright side may not have survived to pass along their genes.

In modern times (at least in the developed world) our issues aren’t about basic survival.  Attention to problems can motivates us to improve our lives, when done in small doses.  But a preoccupation with your problems can trigger the “fight-or-flight” reaction, which prepares your body for action by shutting down the creative, problem-solving region of your brain.   

 Dwelling on the negative is riskiest in intimate relationships.  When you zero in on the part of your love life that is not going well, you may lose sight of your many blessings.  As a family mediator I often work with spouses whose story of their past is dominated by what went wrong.  Conflict saturates their memory, poisoning their appreciation for anything that remains positive. 

Those painful events DID occur.  He really WAS hurt by her inattention.  She really IS wounded by his critical comments, and those issues deserve attention.  But they aren’t the whole story.   Problem-solving often loses sight of the positive qualities you offer one another.  Whether your goal is to heal or end your relationship, you’ll both benefit by shifting attention from what’s broken to what works.

Whether you’re reflecting on the city, or your love life, you will be at your best with a buoyant appreciation for what’s going well.  The realist sees the big picture.  Not just the problems.   

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 100 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

5 Reasons Not To Argue About Motives

I was recently working with a woman who was convinced her ex-husband was trying to alienate the teenaged daughter from her mother.  The malice she believed was motivating her husband had become a preoccupation for her.  The blame game consumed her energy.  The husband claimed he had no such motives.  Was he lying?  Was he in denial about his own deep motives?  I couldn’t be certain any more than his ex-wife could.  But I was sure that her repeated demands for him to change his motives were simply not working. 

The only change available to her was in how she interacted with her daughter.  She had to focus on improving the mother-daughter relationship without getting hung up on what she thought was motivating her husband.  

Here are 5 good reasons to avoid arguing about the other person's motives:

1.       You can’t know if you’re right about his or her motives. Keep your thoughts hypothetical ;

2.       When you impute hostile motives to the other person you make yourself angrier.  This escalates the dispute, and puts you into an emotional state less likely to come up with a solution;

3.       You look like the bad guy when you make angry, explicit claims about his or her motives;

4.       Motives are irrelevant.  The best resolutions focus on objective behaviours that can be observed, known, agreed-to and monitored. 

5.       Discussions of motives rehash the past.  Solutions focus on the future, and to the behaviours you WANT.

When someone hurts you, it’s natural to assume it’s intentional.  “He’s spending more time with our daughter just to win her away from me.”  The reaction is natural and automatic.  You begin to revisit old memories, recasting them to confirm your story of the other person’s malice.

But wait.  Let’s slow down.  You might be right.  Your speculation is one way of explaining what happened.  But you may be overlooking something.  Beware of claiming certainty.  

If your goal is not high energy drama but just to get past the dispute then consider challenging your automatic interpretations of someone else’s motive.  It won’t be easy.  It takes a disciplined act of will to catch yourself in the act and to question your automatic thoughts.  And then to practice patience.

We have enough difficulty gaining certainty about the tangled threads of our own motives.  Let’s not claim certainty about the intentions of others.  We walk a smoother path through life when we walk it with humility. 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 100 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Acknowledging Thoughfulness

I was in a rush, unfamiliar with the Toronto subway station I was just about to enter.  I dropped a token into the box, then had a second thought and leaned toward the grille, “Is there a washroom in this station?” I asked.  “It’s kind of urgent.”

The middle aged ticket collector answered, “No there isn’t.  I’m afraid you’ll have to go all the way to Yonge and Bloor.  That’s the closest one.”

I pushed through the turnstile but she called me back.  “Hey, Mister.  There’s a Tim Horton’s just outside here and around the corner to your left.  Why don’t you go on over there?  I know you’ve paid and I’ll remember you when you come back.”

I thanked her and made a quick exit.  A few minutes later I was in a bathroom, full of gratitude for the execution of a simple bodily function.  And gratitude for her.  It would have been easier for her to sit there half asleep, to answer my question and just direct me down the line.  That was all her job required.  But she had been sharper than that.  Her thoughtful suggestion was a human response to another human’s discomfort. 

She had gone out of her way, and I wanted her to know I had noticed.  We busy city folk don’t appreciate our blessings often enough, and too rarely express it to others.

When I returned to the turnstile she nodded and waved me through.  I paused before passing, and again leaned in toward the grille.  She was sitting up on one of those high leather stools, not expecting me to stop.  Her smile froze when she saw that I was about to say something and I realized in an instant that the pause of a patron normally meant that she was going to hear trouble.  She sat back, eyes wary, waiting for a complaint.

“I just want you to know how much I appreciate your thoughtfulness,” I said.  “It’s a pleasure to see someone who brings quality to their job.  The public isn’t known for expressing gratitude, so I don’t imagine you often have a chance to hear praise, but you deserve it today.  You cared enough to respond creatively.  You’re not just on automatic pilot.”

“No, I don’t often hear compliments,” she said.  She was smiling warmly, and seemed to sit more relaxed in her chair.  “Thank you for that.  You’ve made my day.”

“You made mine,” I replied, and walked on through the turnstile.

There was a line-up building behind me.  I hoped she wasn’t going to get grief from any impatient transit riders.  But it wouldn’t have mattered. 

Today she had a little extra insulation against insensitivity.

We both did. 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 100 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Emotional Intelligence Saves A Difficult Conversation

Three of us were seated around a table in my office, three hours into difficult divorce negotiations.  The couple had made progress around childcare and custody issues, but tension reached a critical point when the topic shifted to finances.

His opening salvo pulled no punches.  “I understand I’ll need to contribute spousal and child support.  We’ll get down to those numbers later.  But no way am I going to keep paying for all the additional tutoring and special education classes you’ve got the kids enrolled in.  None of it is necessary.”

Her agitation was palpable.  Colour rose to her face and she shifted uncomfortably in her chair.  I raised my hand with the “time out” sign.

She waved me off.  “It’s ok,” she said.  “I’ve been practicing.”  She was referring to a private session she had requested a few days earlier to work on ways to stop losing her temper.  I had explained about "neural hijackings", how the emotional brain gets overloaded by stress and triggers the fight-or-flight response, short-circuiting our capacity for rational thought.  These automatic hijackings are natural but devastating.  There is good news too, since strategies can be learned to enhance E.Q. (emotional intelligence) and prevent this loss of control.

She had rehearsed ways to recognize the anger before it exploded.  We had done some calming breath work, which she promised to practice daily.  I had also role-played being a verbal aggressor so she could practice the calm, inquisitive responses of Active Listening to defuse the cycle of anger. 

I watched, impressed, as she calmed herself with a long, slow breath. 

“What you're saying is new to me,” she spoke in an even tone.  “Please explain your reasoning.  We’ve been supporting these special education classes for over three years.  Why do you think they’re unimportant now?”

I was impressed.  This was textbook Active Listening.  Instead of blowing up and derailing the conversation, she was respectfully inquiring into the other person’s thinking without making any negative comments about his character or accusations about his motives. 

The tone of his reply seemed to be scaled down a notch.  He stated that he thought three years should be enough.  “If the learning disabilities haven’t been corrected in three years then it was a waste of time and money.  Now that we’re supporting two homes we are both less wealthy.  We need to cut costs somewhere and this is a good place to start.”

She replied that she didn’t agree.  But instead of getting frustrated and reverting to attack mode, as she would have done previously, she went straight to Plan B.  “Look,” she said, “We clearly don’t agree on this point.  I suggest we put it aside for now.  Let’s both think about it.  Perhaps later it can be a bargaining chip.  If we still can’t agree, let’s ask for advice fromthe psychologist who did the educational  assessment.  We'll do what she recommends.” 

How could he argue?  They hadn’t reached agreement on the point, but her mindfulness in the moment had prevented an emotional explosion and mapped a way to positively approach the topic in the future.

She reminded me once again that E.Q. really can be learned.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 100 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Elder Care - Dealing With Confusion

I was on night shift in my father’s bedroom during the final days of his palliative care.  I heard him struggling with his covers and opened my eyes.  The digital clock read 4:00 a.m.  He was sitting up by the time I turned on the nightlight and came over to his side. 

I helped him walk to the commode, then back to his bed where I handed him a glass of water.

“The ship is rocking a lot.  There may be a storm tonight and they’ll be closing down the ship’s casino.  Is the sea very rough?” he asked.

“Probably is,” I replied. “Do you feel the floor moving?”

There was a long pause.  We sat on the bed, side by side.  “Wait one second.  You’re putting me on.  We’re not on a cruise ship, are we?”

“No dad.  We’re not.” I replied.  ‘You’ve been dreaming.  And that’s no surprise considering the amount of morphine they’ve got you on to manage the pain of your cancer.”

He turned to look me in the eyes.  “Then why did you lead me on instead of correcting me?  Tell me the truth, am I losing my mind?” he asked.

I put my arm around his shoulder.  “No, you aren’t losing your mind,” I answered.  “Absolutely not.  Far from it.  I didn’t want to contradict you, that’s all.  Despite the morphine you seem to be able to see through the haze just fine on your own, at your own pace, in your own time.  You don’t need correction.  Here, have some more water.”

He lifted the glass to his lips with two gnarled hands.  “I never knew water could taste so good,” he chuckled.  “All my life I’ve drunk coffee and maybe orange juice in the mornings, beer and booze in the evening.  I don’t think I ever really tasted water when I was younger!”

“You’re probably right.  As a kid I don’t remember that we ever had water at the dinner table.  Now thanks to Helena, one of your Personal Support Workers, we have noticed that drinking lots of water clears your mind.”

“And gets me up all the time to go to the can.  I’m glad we’ve got the commode here in my bedroom.”

“You’ve exercised all your life and you’re still moving around a lot now,” I said.

“All these years I’ve been a dehydrated old alcoholic.”

“Yes, dad,” I laughed.  “You’ve been a lusty, thirsty man.  Here, have some more water.”

He tilted back the glass and enjoyed another few gulps of Toronto’s finest tap.   

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 100 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

The Economics of Accountability

My job as a conflict mediator is built on skills I learned as a high school owner and teacher.

A few years ago I had a student and his mother in my office one morning, glaring across at each other.  The school day had not yet begun but they were already hard at it, locked in stubborn conflict. 

Mom: “He doesn’t do a stitch of homework, any more than he helps out around the house.  And that’s zero.   I swear, if it wasn’t to eat and borrow the car he’d probably never come home.”

Son: “Which might make all of us happier.  It’s a madhouse when I am home.  I don’t get any freedom and all you do is nag.”

Mom: “What else can I do?  You’re in this expensive private school so you can get into university.  If it wasn’t for my nagging you’d never get accepted.”

I stepped in, “Let’s look at what you’re both saying.  You’ve described a perfect lose-lose arrangement.   If you are correct, Mrs. Wilson, then even if Evan gets acceptance, the credit will go to your nagging, and he’ll be set up for disaster when nobody is there to nag him.  And Evan, you’re so angry at your mom you’re prepared to sabotage your own success. ”

I continued.  “This is a classic vicious circle.  It can actually get a lot worse, or we can make an agreement right now to spin it the other way, into a positive spiral.”

“Really?” He asked, “What are we talking about?  Brain transplant?”

“More like a behavioural transplant,” I answered.  “But it has to be both of you.”

“I’ll try anything,” the mother said.

“What about you, Evan?  Be honest with me, do you actually want to go to university, or is that your mother’s ambition?  I know you’ve got the brain, but unless you care about being there you’d be happier setting your sights in a less academic direction.”

“Yes.  I do want university.  I’ve wanted to study science since I was a kid.  I always intend to work.  I just go nuts and flip out when she won’t leave me alone.  Then I can’t think or work at all.”

“So the more she nags the less you work, and the less you work the more she nags.  That about it?”

“Pretty much,” he smiled.

“Then let’s turn it around.  It’s time for you to grow up, Evan, and time for you, Mrs. Wilson, to let him.  I want you both to think of being a student like having a job.”

“What do you mean, “like a job”?” he asked.

“I’m talking about getting paid in privileges, one of which is not to be nagged.  Prove to your mom that you CAN do the work on your own, that you’re actually ready to earn the freedom you want.”

“Mrs. Wilson, you need to leave him alone.  Give him one month.  Check in with his teachers for academic updates but don’t pester him.  Pay him with the car and other luxuries only when he’s earned his paycheck by doing his schoolwork and chores.  

Think of this as a contract to adulthood, or as I call it: the economics of accountability.”

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 100 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.