In the high-stakes world of separation and divorce mediation, I watch people navigate one of life's most challenging transitions with checklists, deadlines, and urgent decisions at every turn. I've noticed something crucial, both personally and professionally: amid all this purposeful activity, we've forgotten the value of purposeless time.
Cultivating aimlessness isn't about procrastinating or being lazy. Rather it's deliberately stepping away, however briefly, from goals and deadlines and allowing your mind to wander freely. It's a radical act in our efficiency-obsessed culture, and paradoxically, it may be exactly what we need to make better decisions.
Consider Maria, who came to mediation after her 18-year marriage ended. Every session, she arrived with color-coded folders and a running list of concerns. Her preparation was admirable, but her anxiety was palpable. The constant focus on problems had triggered her brain's threat response. She was in overdrive, making clear thinking difficult and decision-making nearly impossible.
One day, Maria mentioned she'd gotten lost on her way to my office and ended up walking through a park she'd never visited before. "For fifteen minutes, I forgot about the divorce," she said, surprised at how refreshed she felt afterward. That accidental break became her saving grace. We built "purposeless time" into her weekly schedule – no divorce research, no planning, just a few minutes of simply being. She became lighter, more flexible better able to collaborate on a parenting schedule that blended her interests with the interests of her ex.
Or take Jonathan, in a separate case, who approached his divorce like a military campaign. His hypervigilance left him exhausted and combative. During one particularly tense session, I suggested we pause and simply look out the window at the changing autumn leaves for a few minutes. His resistance was strong: "I don't have time for this." Yet after some minutes of aimless reflection, his face softened and he became more open about hearing her point of view. The conversation that followed was the first time they made progress on the difficult topic of spousal support.
The couples who navigate separation most successfully aren't necessarily those with the best lawyers or financial planners. They're often those who maintain their capacity for joy and sense of humour despite the chaos. They remember to call a friend just to talk about nothing important. They allow themselves to get absorbed in a hobby without justifying it as "self-care." They give themselves permission to wander.
Practicing purposelessness doesn't mean abandoning responsibility. Rather, it creates space around our responsibilities, preventing them from consuming us entirely. It's like the white space on a page that makes the text readable. Without it, everything blurs together.
In my twelve years of mediation work, I've learned that the most practical advice I can offer separating couples isn't always about asset division or co-parenting schedules. Sometimes it's
simply: Go for a walk without your phone. Sit in a café and people-watch. Lie in the grass and look at clouds. Get down on the floor and play with your kids.
These aimless moments aren't an indulgence – they're a necessity. They restore our fundamental humanity, a childlike sense of spaciousness in times when our identity feels constricted and life gets reduced to a problem that needs solving. And in doing so, those unscheduled moments often help us solve those problems with greater wisdom and grace.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.
