Technology and Ethics in Family Mediation: Are We Truly Serving Our Clients?

May 28, 2025 Mike MacConnell

Hey fellow mediators,

I've been thinking a lot lately about our shared commitment to ethical practice. We all entered this field with noble intentions—helping clients navigate conflicts respectfully and find win-win solutions that avoid the adversarial nature of litigation. But I want to have an honest conversation about whether we're fully living up to our ethical obligations when it comes to embracing technology.

Pre-COVID, a typical separation agreement might take around 20 hours to complete. Today, with thoughtful application of technology, that same agreement can be finalized in 10-12 hours. That's potentially thousands of dollars in savings for our clients during what's often a financially stressful time in their lives.

Yet many of us haven't incorporated these time-saving technologies into our practice. Let me share three specific tools that have transformed my mediation work—tools rarely covered in mediation training programs:

First, shared document platforms like Google Docs have been game-changers. By sending clients a boilerplate separation agreement template with commenter privileges, they can review documents between sessions on their own time. They see each other's comments and questions, preparing them for more productive sessions. This eliminates hours previously spent walking through standard clauses together.

Second, video conferencing with screen sharing (I prefer Zoom) allows clients to participate from wherever they're comfortable while we collaboratively edit documents in real-time. Remember the old workflow? Take handwritten notes during in-person meetings, then bill clients while you transcribe and format those notes into formal documents that would need additional review later. Screen sharing eliminates this redundancy completely.

Third, AI recording and transcription tools (with client consent, of course) provide not just a record of what was discussed but can generate session summaries and action items. Clients almost always appreciate this service, which replaces the billable hours we used to spend drafting and sending "Progress Notes" after each meeting.

So why aren't these practices standard across our profession? Sometimes it's comfort with familiar methods or lack of technical confidence. But if we're truly committed to ethical practice, we need to recognize that unnecessary billable hours create an accessibility barrier to our services.

The question becomes uncomfortable but important: Is it ethical to maintain traditional practices that increase client costs when more efficient alternatives exist? If our primary commitment is to client welfare rather than billable hours, shouldn't we be obligated to adopt technologies that make our services more affordable?

I believe embracing these tools represents a higher standard of ethical practice—one that prioritizes client outcomes and financial well-being over professional convenience or profit maximization. It's about aligning our technological practices with the values that brought us to mediation in the first place.

I'd love to hear how others are navigating this intersection of technology and ethics in their practice. What tools have you found that genuinely benefit clients? What hesitations do you still have? Let's challenge each other to ensure our commitment to ethical practice extends to how we use—or don't use—the technological tools available to us.

What do you think? Are we living up to our ethical obligations if we're not helping clients save money through these accessible technologies?

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Mediation or Arbitration for My Separation?

November 29, 2023 Mike MacConnell

Mediation and arbitration both offer viable alternatives to traditional court battles in separation negotiations. The choice between them ultimately depends on the specific circumstances of the couple. In my first call with potential clients, I ask them to consider their willingness to cooperate, the complexity of the issues, and financial constraints to decide on the process that’s best for them.

Mediation: The Non-Adversarial Route

Mediation is often hailed as a non-adversarial approach to conflict resolution, because it enables couples to retain control over their divorce negotiations while working with a neutral third party, the mediator. The mediator does not have the authority to make binding decisions but facilitates productive discussions between the parties. This approach has its pros and cons.

Pros of Mediation:

· Control and Collaboration: Mediation empowers couples to take an active role in shaping the outcome. It encourages open communication, negotiation, and finding mutually acceptable solutions, which can be particularly beneficial when children are involved.

· Cost-Effective: Mediation typically costs far less than arbitration. It is based on hourly fees for the mediator's services, making it a more budget-friendly option for most couples.

· Faster Resolution: Mediation often leads to quicker resolutions, as couples can schedule sessions at their convenience and even meet privately between sessions to resolve some issues.

· Preservation of Relationships: Since mediation fosters cooperation rather than confrontation, it can help preserve or even improve the post-divorce relationship, especially important when co-parenting.

· Long Term Compliance: Since parties themselves arrived at the decision, they are more likely t comply with it than in cases where one party is unhappy with the arbitrator’s decision.

· Lawyer Support: Terms agreed upon in mediation, including complex financial issues, can be reviewed by lawyers, who offer advice along the way or at the end, and convert the terms into legally binding Separation Agreement.

Cons of Mediation:

· Lack of Binding Decisions: The mediator's role is limited to facilitating discussions. If either party is unwilling to cooperate or unable to make decisions, there is no certainty that an agreement will be reached.

· Power Imbalance: In cases where one party is more assertive or articulate, the mediator may struggle to balance power dynamics.

Arbitration: The Binding Out-of-Court Alternative

Arbitration offers a different approach. It is an adversarial process where each party presents their case to a neutral arbitrator who renders a final, legally binding decision. It is well-suited for situations where the parties cannot reach a consensus through negotiation or have concerns about a good-faith process.

Pros of Arbitration:

· Binding Decisions: There is certainty in advance that the arbitrator will make a decision, which provides a sense of confidence in the finality of the process.

· Duration: In cases when parties are indecisive or arguing back and forth, arbitration can arrive at a conclusion in a shorter time.

Cons of Arbitration:

· Costly: Arbitration is typically much more expensive than mediation, primarily due to the hourly rates associated with the arbitrator's services.

· Less Control: Couples have less control over the process and the final decision. The arbitrator, not the parties, has the authority to make the call.

· Adversarial Nature: The adversarial process may escalate tensions and hinder amicable post-divorce relationships, which can be particularly detrimental when children are involved.

Pros of Both, Compared with Court

· Privacy: Arbitration and mediation are both entirely private, unlike court results which are on the public record.

· Convenience: Mediation and arbitration are both more convenient when offered in private practice, since sessions can be scheduled to the convenience of all parties

· Duration: Court battles are notoriously lengthy, involving many steps in a system that is often overloaded and backlogged with cases.

Cons of Both, Compared with Court

· Cost: Both mediation and arbitration have hourly fees for the mediator or arbitrator. Those fees expand greatly if you also choose to include lawyers in the process. Self-representation in court has lower costs.

· Public Record: Some people may wish to have the details of their marriage made public, particularly in cases when abuse has taken place.

Finding the Right Approach for Your Divorce

In most cases, for couples who aim to retain decision-making control, maintain a cooperative relationship, and keep costs in check, mediation is the preferable choice. It encourages open communication, focuses on interests rather than rights, and aims to find mutually beneficial solutions. However, it is essential that both parties are rational decision-makers, willing to negotiate in good faith.

On the other hand, if one party is uncooperative or indecisive, arbitration may be a better option. It ensures that a binding decision is made, reducing the risk of an inconclusive process. Ultimately, the choice between them depends on how challenging a couple believes it will be to come to an agreement together.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

To Speak or Not to Speak – That Is the Question (When To Press Pause)

October 24, 2021 Mike MacConnell

“I try not to react, but one day I’m afraid I’m going to burst. Arguing just makes it worse.”

Every couple struggles at times to communicate. Some boil in silence; others snap back defensively. But lasting connection is built out of small, daily, often unnoticed efforts of patience and restraint that enable you to listen with respect and speak your mind clearly.

Instead of cold forbearance and withdrawal or hot counter-attack, try pivoting instead toward genuine curiosity about the other person’s feelings. Listening with deep sincerity is the first step toward an honest conversation. That’s when a couple can collaborate.

It’s hard to know how and when to speak, yet at some point, speak we must. The challenge to decide when to speak and when to let it pass requires an effort. Here are a few tips to make it easier.

If you tend to push at difficult topics:

Ask yourself about your intention. Are you trying to prove you’re right, explain yourself or push to a solution? If so, save your words for later.

If your goal is to work through a problem and to do so together, then the following tips help direct the conversation toward a deeper understanding:

· Inquire into their feelings and what matters to them right now

· Ask about what they would have liked, what they wish would have happened

· Name something specific you observed and ask what its impact was on them

· Summarize what you are hearing to check in if you are hearing correctly

If you tend to avoid difficult topics:

If silence is your fallback, try to keep in mind that all emotions are legitimate. They deserve to be heard. More than that, they offer a window into our deepest needs. Speaking about them will accelerate you and your partner’s awareness of what matters.

Negative emotions rise out of healthy needs that aren’t being met. They are worth exploring together to find more skilful ways to meet them. To get a healthy conversation going, the points above will help you to “get” what matters to the other. But chances are, you haven’t been heard. To help them “get” your viewpoint regarding the issue or conflict at hand:

· Begin with a positive quality of the other that is honest and relevant

· Identify the emotional impact, for you, of a specific thing that happened

· Identify the underlying need, belief or value that matters to you and caused the feeling to arise

· Ask the other person to summarize what they have heard you say

· Inquire about their comments or questions and viewpoint

Beware of concluding too quickly that because you’re struggling you must be with the wrong person. Struggle sparks change and motivates growth. Resenting or avoiding the hard conversations can cause you to miss the fact that those difficulties can take you to a deeper place of intimacy and understanding. We need to be tested to discover who we are capable of becoming.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

In Search of Happiness? Then Sit First with Sadness

September 29, 2021 Mike MacConnell

My friend is trying to find happiness and worries he is failing. In the eyes of the world, he’s a success: a gifted young professional supported by a warm partner, family and friends. When he’s busy he feels fine. Yet in quiet moments of reflection those external markers of success only make him feel emptier. “What’s wrong with me?”, he often wonders, “Shouldn’t my accomplishments be enough?”

His solution has been to push harder, work longer hours, train harder at the gym, take extra courses and do volunteer work in his community. He hopes, by doing more, to drown out the doubts, to feel worthy and find peace.

He isn’t a client, but knows I’m a life coach whose work is to help others make desired changes. He came to me for advice. I listened first to understand the change he wanted and after a few meetings I was able to respond. The advice I offered went something like this.

“We live in a culture that embraces observable, external success, that encourages doing more, acquiring or accomplishing measurable things. It works for some people. For you, however, the journey for meaning is inward. You need to continue performing in the world. Keep doing that. Then give yourself a break. Make time to stop doing.

It takes courage to stand still in the mess, “to sit with discomfort without trying to fix it”. My friend has been trying to fill the void by doing more and more. That’s worthy, but it’s only half the story for those of us working to ward off low-level depression. He encouraged me to continue.

“Time to try doing les and face the negative emotions that arise when you slow down. Practise sitting still, facing the sadness, the fear, the uncertainty, before rushing to distract yourself with another task.

Even for just 5 minutes a day. It’s an exercise in emotional acceptance, a recognition that uncomfortable emotion is part of who we are. Study where the feeling lives in your body. Sit with it. Then watch as the emotion drifts away, unable to hurt you once you stop fearing it.”

My friend’s unhappiness arises in part from unrealistic demands he places on himself. He sees his distress as a failing, something that shouldn’t be there. I urged him to honour the sorrow without pushing it away.

A healthy identity encompasses the full palette of emotion. Sadness does NOT define who he is, but in its place it’s an honest, healthy part. Pushing it away won’t get rid of it, only lend it undue importance as though it is to be feared.

I wanted my final words to be encouraging. “Try connecting with the sadness. Listen to it, learn from it, comfort it, hold it. To paraphrase an eastern parable: “Instead of chasing after wellbeing, consider this: wellbeing might be behind you, struggling to catch up to you.”

My words didn’t fix anything. They weren’t intended to. But my friend told me recently that he feels more empowered now that he works less on controlling his difficult emotions and more on understanding and accepting them.

After we ended, I sent him the following quotation, which he now has posted on his wall.

“When we touch the center of sorrow, when we sit with discomfort without trying to fix it, when we stay present to the pain of disapproval or betrayal and let it soften us, these are the times that we connect with bodhichitta (awakened mind).”

From The Places That Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times, page 9

by Pema Chödrön

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Tips on Talking About Your Pain (It’s OK Not to feel OK – But Not OK to Hide it Away)

December 23, 2020 Aleksandra Ania

Stress is a major component of modern life and has escalated dramatically for many people during the isolation of COVID, yet it can be hard to talk about.

Few of us know how to be heard.

Take my client Brendan, for example. He’s a healthy teenager in many ways. Frustrated with COVID restrictions, he wants to do what’s right, to be tolerant and brave without being a pain. As a result, he doesn’t talk about his loneliness, or his sleeplessness over worries about finding a girlfriend or choosing a career.

It’s OK for him not to feel OK. His sadness and worry are healthy emotional responses to adolescence in an uncertain world. But he has never been guided to accept that those emotions are healthy, or been shown how they can be managed. His parents tell him not to worry, that it’ll all be OK. His friends change the topic. News feeds he follows make the world look hopeless and heroes in his favorite shows are the strong, silent type.

Brendan wonders if there is something wrong with him when anxiety takes him into dark places. He feels ashamed and helpless and doesn’t know what to do.

Here are some tips that could help Brendan (and guide you in guiding him):

1. Find someone you trust to talk to. A parent, older sibling, guidance counselor or trusted adult. Set up a time to chat so they don’t feel ambushed. Let them know in advance you want help talking through some difficult feelings. No shame. No apologies. Vulnerability builds courage. This process will be good for you both.

2. Sit calmly to observe and find words for your feelings. Try to avoid explaining or judging them. They do NOT define who you are, but it’s important to acknowledge that they’re a big part of your life today.

3. Examine the positive “unmet need” beneath each negative emotion. For example, underneath Brendan’s loneliness may be the positive need to connect meaningfully with another person. His desire to be a productive person is behind his anxiety about choosing a career. Uncover the positive values that give rise to the negative emotion. Values come first and are permanent, while emotions come and go.

4. Focus on what you want – on the conditions and states of mind that are your goals. Stay rooted in those positive values and needs. Dream big. What is it that matters most? Who and how do you want to be? How do you get to that place? Share your vulnerable truth, with all the courage you can muster, then flip each problem upside down by describing what the solution could look like.

5. Brainstorm practical strategies for moving toward the goal. You haven’t asked for advice up till now, only for an ear. Now you can each throw out ideas. Ignore all the things you can’t do. What resources, what abilities do you have? What windows are open, even a little? How about beginning a fitness regime, downloading a self-scheduling app, setting up Zoom sessions with friends, signing up for an online course. Make a list.

6. Decide on a few practical, initial steps. Act on them. Begin modestly, but begin now.

7. Assess progress slowly, patiently. Change is incremental; it takes time. The intention to consciously change is the beginning of emotional self-management. The painful feelings you once feared and resented can now be seen for what they always were: the calls to make changes and the incentives for growth.

Keep in mind the words of Seneca, the Roman orator, who said, “what matters is not what you bear but how you bear it”.

In the realm of self-esteem and emotional health, how you bear it is ALL that matters.

Essential conversations shift youth into an empowered relationship with their emotional life.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR