Motivating Change: Escaping an Abusive Relationship

Are you stuck in a behaviour you believe is unhealthy? Do you want to make a change, but have trouble getting started?   

As a life coach I come across this often. I worked recently with a woman who was trying to decide whether to end an abusive relationship. I employed Motivational Interviewing, a coaching strategy designed to help people follow through with the changes they want to make. She told me later that she wished she had been exposed to this approach much earlier in her marriage. Well-intentioned arguments previously offered by friends and family hadn’t helped her to decide. She had to come around on her own and summon the courage herself – and that’s exactly how Motivational Interviewing works.

Rather than reasoning or informing, a trained coach takes the opposite approach – bringing arguments to the surface that already exist in the mind of the client. M. I. was founded in the 1980’s by William R. Miller and Stephen Rollnick on the principle that clients already possess the knowledge and ability required for change, and will be more empowered to succeed when the motivation and confidence come from within.  success of M. I

Here’s a compressed summary of our conversation. (Broad categories of common questions are included in brackets)

(background)

“What brings you here?”

“I’m the mother of a 9 year old daughter, in a marriage that makes me feel frightened and alone. Without warning he becomes enraged, verbally abusive and contemptuous. Afterwards he may be fine for a day or two, until it starts up again.”

“Do you have a goal?”

“I know it’s unhealthy. I need to leave, to escape; but it’s been going on for so long I don’t know if I can. Everyone tells me to get the hell out, but I don’t have the confidence. Or maybe the courage. I just can’t decide.

(Why is change important?)

“On a scale of 1 to 100, how committed are you to leaving the marriage?”

“I’ll say about 80.”

“OK. Fairly high. Why didn’t you choose a lower number?”

“I feel miserable. It’s unhealthy to feel this unhappy and for my daughter to grow up this way. Something has to change.”

“What would it take to move you to a higher number?”

“Well, at this point his abuse is verbal. If it gets physical, I’ll be even more motivated to leave.”

(What matters most to me?)

“Your mental health and physical safety are important. Any other priorities?”

“My confidence and self-respect are taking a beating. I don’t even like myself.”

“Sounds like your confidence is shaken. What did confidence look like when you had it?”

“I used to be full of energy. I travelled on my own, made choices, was decisive.”

“Tell be about other things you value and that are a priority.”

“I want a loving, respectful relationship. For my daughter and I to be able to trust and feel safe.”

“Are you living those values now?”

“No. Not with him, for sure. My best friend and brother are supportive, but otherwise I feel like I’ve given up. Maybe I was naïve to expect something better.”

(Why am I having trouble making change?)

“You’ve shared important hopes for the future. How does your current behaviour fit in with that?”

“That’s just it. I care about those things, but I’m not sure if they’re possible any more.”

“Can you describe how you are thinking, what you’re saying to yourself when you feel unmotivated?”

Sure. I feel weak. Confused. Like what’s the point, I’ll never find anyone better, so why bother trying.”

“Is that an opinion you fully believe?”

“No. Not at all. There’s a part of me that feels disgusted and angry at that defeated part of me.”

“Can you recall how you pictured your future when you were young.”

“I saw myself as a free spirit, a writer, connecting with people and making a difference in the world.”

(In what ways do I want one thing, but do another?)

“What about the part of you that wants to give up. Is there any benefit to thinking that way?”

“I guess I’m trying to protect myself.  As if I can avoid feeling defeated by not trying in the first place.”

“How do you feel about that side of yourself?”

“I hate it. It’s the voice of weakness and fear.”

“And is that fear entirely misguided?”

“No. My partner really is frightening. It’s just that doing nothing means I’m frightened every day. I know I can only put fear behind me by leaving him.”

“Sounds like your hesitation has some legitimacy, yet you really want to make a change.”

“I’m pulled in both directions.”

(How do I build myself up to move forward?)

“Let’s explore your hesitancy. On a scale of 1 to 100, how confident are you that if you chose to make the change, you could change?”

“Not very. I’ll say 40.”

“I notice you didn’t say zero. Tell me about a time you made changes in your life. How did you do it?”

“I used to be a no-show for appointments with friends. When I realized how insulting it was, I stopped.”

“That’s a significant change. What strengths helped you succeed back then?”

“First I thought about it. Then I felt embarrassed. I decided to stop feeling like that, started wearing a watch and showing up when I said I would.”

“Would you say you found determination based on a concern for others and a desire to feel better about yourself.”

“Yes. I think that’s true.”

“What qualities enabled you to do it?

“I cared about my friendships and my self-respect. Once I decided, it wasn’t that hard.”

“So you’re capable of being decisive. Can you suggest how you might connect with those sides of yourself now?

“It might help to take small steps. Small decisions. Like being more active with my daughter.”

“What would you gain by that?”

“It would be fun. Also, I want her to connect with a stronger, livelier side of her mother.”

“Is it a step you feel able to take?

“Yes. I love her. I can do that. Leaving him is the problem. That’s where I feel stuck.”

“Tell be about your daughter. How’s she handling her parents’ stress?”

“I’m terrified for her. She tries to be brave but has been having meltdowns more and more lately.”

“That sounds like an important motivation for change.”

“Absolutely. Without her I might have given up long ago.”

“Are there benefits to the way your life is now?”

“Mainly the convenience of having a home and being financially dependent. Making a change is scary.”

“Would you say those are difficult obstacles to overcome?”

“For sure, at the beginning. Its hard to climb out of this rut even though I hate it and know I’ll be much better off when I get away.”

(What are some practical steps I can take?)

“I notice you’re talking now about “when” not “if” you get away. What resources do you already have to overcome your hesitation?”

“Just talking this way is making me more determined. I’ve gotta keep thinking this through like we’re doing now. Then act.”

“Act how? Do what?”

“Maybe call my best friend, Lisa, and my brother to get them onside. Ask for their help.”

What would you ask them to help with?

“It’s going to have to be a sudden separation, well planned in advance. I’ll ask them to help me set up the finances and I’ll need to have a place for my daughter and I to stay.”

“Very practical. Anything else?

“I’ll need help moving all my stuff out.”

“Getting support sounds important. How else can they help?

“I need them to help me think things through. My thoughts go around in circles on my own.”

“What about your own safety, and your daughter’s?”

“That concerns me a lot. I’m already walk on eggshells every day. Anything could happen when we leave, so the getaway will have to be sudden and complete.”

“We’re nearly done for today. How do you feel about what we’ve covered so far?”

“It’s the first bit of confidence I’ve felt in ages.”

 Lovely. What are your goals between now and our next session?”

“I want to research housing online and get a better understanding of my financial situation. Before we meet next week I’ll talk with my brother and Lisa and hear what they have to say.”

This is just a summary. The actual coaching session delved at greater length into each of these topics. Two further sessions were needed before she and her daughter did safely leave their abusive situation.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Helping People Change

How do you help when someone you care about is stuck in a rut? Some people leap in with advice, offering reassurance and insight. Others use logical argument and evidence.

These well-intentioned efforts may contain wise advice but rarely succeed in shifting behaviour. A clinical approach called Motivational Interviewing, developed by William Miller and Stephen Rollnick in the 1980s, has proven much more effective at helping people effect change in their lives.

Rather than teaching, reasoning and providing information, Motivational Interviewing coaches the client to discover his or her own motivations and capacities for change. The practitioner draws out and clarifies goals, listens to concerns and boosts confidence in the ability to change, eventually collaborating with the client on a specific plan of action. Learn more about M.I.

Here is a sample with a client who has struggled to begin getting in shape and change eating habits. The example employs standard M.I. questions, although actual sessions would dwell on each phase at greater length.

(Assessing the importance of change)

“On a scale of 1 to 100, how much do you want to get in shape right now?”

“I’ll say about 70.”

“Fairly high. Why did you choose 70 and not a lower number?”

“I’ve gotta do something. I’m worried about my health and miss having more energy.”

“What would it take to move you to a higher number?”

“Well, I guess if I had a medical episode, or if my partner left me, I’d be more motivated.”

(exploring values)

“Sounds like you value your health and your relationship. Any other priorities?”

“Admiration from my kids would be nice. And earning a living is important. I’m in sales and would like to feel sharper, more awake, which might come from being in better shape.”

“What would it look like if we were successful in our work to get you in better shape?”

“I guess I’d be feeling better about myself, more vigorous. Like I’ve accomplished something.”

(addressing ambivalence to change)

“You’ve shared important values just now. How does your current behaviour fit in with your values?”

“That’s just it. I don’t understand. I mean, I care about those things, really, but can’t motivate myself to do anything consistent to change them.”

“Can you describe how you are thinking, what you’re saying to yourself when feeling unmotivated?”

Sure. I feel weak. Confused. Like what’s the point, I’ll never change anyway, so why bother trying.”

“Thanks for your honesty about hearing that voice. Is that voice the whole of you?”

“No. Not at all. It’s kind of weird, but there’s a part of me that disagrees and feels disgusted by that defeated part of me.”

(identify the gap between values and actions)

“You’re describing a part of you that wants to let go, give up, take it easy. Is there any benefit to thinking that way?”

“I guess I’m trying to protect myself. Avoid defeat by not accepting the challenge of trying to change.”

“Sounds like that voice is trying to help. How do you feel about that side of yourself?”

“I hate it. It’s the voice of weakness and fear, but it’s usually in control”

“Then let’s explore this discrepancy between your values and actions. On a scale of 1 to 100, how confident are you that if you chose to make the change, you could change?”

“Not very. I’ll say 25.”

“I notice you didn’t say zero. Tell me about a time you made changes in your life. How did you do it?”

“I used to be late for appointments a lot. Then I decided it was insulting to others and stopped.”

(assess and build self-efficacy)

“That’s significant. What strengths helped you succeed back then?”

“I think I felt embarrassed. Maybe ashamed. I got determined to stop feeling like that.”

“Determination, and concern for others. If you decided to change now, what would enable you to do it?

“If I knew it mattered to my family that would help. I don’t think they think I can change.”

“Can you suggest how you might recruit them in inspiring you to begin?

“I’d have to speak with them about this first. Let them know it matters to me. Ask for their help.”

“Be specific. What would you want them to do? How can you guide them to help?

“Not nagging. That makes me feel worse. How ‘bout if we made a schedule of some physical activities we like doing together. Try to make it fun.”

“That’s a practical step. Fitness is clearly important to you in this change. Anything else?

“Shifting my diet is going to have to be part of it. I’m addicted to fast food. That’s the tough one.”

“What would you gain by changing the way you eat?

“Making meals at home would make for more family time. Better food. Healthier bodies.

“Yet you like fast food. What are the benefits to your diet the way it is?”

“Mainly convenience and craving. It’s just automatic and easy to buy fast food from a restaurant chain.”

“Then would you say convenience and craving are some of the main obstacles to overcome?”

“Yup. I think so, acting out of habit without thinking much about it.”

(decision-making)

“What resources do you already have to overcome those challenges?”

“Just talking this way is making me more determined. If I can feel good about improving my whole family’s diet that will help maintain my motivation.”

“These sound like important steps. You keep coming back to your family. How are they a resource?

“If I can encourage them to join in a bit then we’ll be able to share the load, support one another.”

“What first steps do you have as a goal between now and our next session?”

“I want to do some research online and talk with my family about making changes. Before we meet next week I’ll call a family meeting and hear what they have to say.”

Actual coaching would dwell at greater length on each of these topics, and require a number of sessions to progress through the stages that are covered more rapidly in this sample:

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Learning to Look On The Bright Side

Last month’s blog looked at “learned helplessness”, a kind of paralysis which can take over a person’s life in response to overwhelming stress.  Martin Seligman, the researcher who first named the condition noted its association with pessimism along with a high risk for PTSD and depression.

He used 3 Ps to explain why people give up after being knocked about by life. They come to believe:

1.     Adversity will always occur (is Permanent);

2.     It will occur in all areas of life (is Pervasive) and

3.     They are powerless to change it (is Personal).

This month, the good news. Martin Seligman, who coined the term “learned helplessness” also came up with the concept of “learned optimism”.

Really? Can optimism be learned?

Most mothers will tell you their children were born with either a cheery or fragile disposition. To some extent those traits are hardwired. Yet despite inborn temperament, the evidence is conclusive. Humans have the capacity, with effort, to adjust their disposition and enhance their own well-being. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Learned_optimism

Seligman’s model presents a 5-step ABCDE sequence. Here’s how it might work in the case of Bridget, who I introduced last month. A single parent, she was overwhelmed with having to work, manage the house and monitor her children’s schooling in a pandemic

1.     Adversity: she’s feeling stuck and overwhelmed, yet hasn’t reached out to her mother or best friend.

2.     Belief: she predicts her mother and best friend will give unwanted advice and react impatiently to her complaints. She fears they don’t really care about her.

3.     Consequence: the result of these negative beliefs is that she remains isolated, unheard and lonely and feels powerless to help herself.

Steps A, B & C present the dilemma. Points D & E outline what Bridget can do to overcome her feeling of helplessness.

4.     Dispute: She challenges her assumptions, asking herself how certain she can be that they’ll respond the way she fears. She brings to times her mother and friend were attentive and helpful. She realizes she can’t really know how they will respond if she calls.

5.     Energization: she begins to feel hopeful, that it may be worth reaching out. She notices that she’s still nervous. She’s vulnerable. It will take courage to phone – to share her pain and uncertainty. Only one way to find out - she picks up the phone.

The goal isn’t a quick fix, but to help empower Bridget to think about the situation differently. She can more energetically assess her options and thereby act to improve her mental health.

In his bestselling book Learned Optimism, Seligman suggests that people suffering from learned helplessness pay attention to the underlying thoughts that influence their emotions and behaviours and actively challenge their own hasty conclusions. His technique is a variation of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)

Seligman is NOT claiming we should always be optimistic. He recommends Balanced optimism, deciding NOT to choose an optimistic prediction if the risk of being wrong would be catastrophic. For example, Bridget might consider quitting her job on the optimistic prediction of winning the lottery. If the prediction is wrong, she could end up homeless, so optimism wouldn’t be wise. With respect to calling her mother or friend, however, the risk of being wrong would be no greater than a difficult conversation. It therefore makes sense to make the call.

Next month’s blog looks at “The Upside of Stress” by Kelly McGonigal. Her research concludes that meaning and purpose are enhanced by changing your relationship to stress – by choosing to make discomfort meaningful rather than trying to avoid it – and provides tips on how doing so can empower you to be strengthened and enriched by stress. 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Tips on Talking About Your Pain (It’s OK Not to feel OK – But Not OK to Hide it Away)

Stress is a major component of modern life and has escalated dramatically for many people during the isolation of COVID, yet it can be hard to talk about.

Few of us know how to be heard.

Take my client Brendan, for example. He’s a healthy teenager in many ways. Frustrated with COVID restrictions, he wants to do what’s right, to be tolerant and brave without being a pain. As a result, he doesn’t talk about his loneliness, or his sleeplessness over worries about finding a girlfriend or choosing a career.

It’s OK for him not to feel OK. His sadness and worry are healthy emotional responses to adolescence in an uncertain world. But he has never been guided to accept that those emotions are healthy, or been shown how they can be managed. His parents tell him not to worry, that it’ll all be OK. His friends change the topic. News feeds he follows make the world look hopeless and heroes in his favorite shows are the strong, silent type.  

Brendan wonders if there is something wrong with him when anxiety takes him into dark places. He feels ashamed and helpless and doesn’t know what to do.

Here are some tips that could help Brendan (and guide you in guiding him):

1.      Find someone you trust to talk to. A parent, older sibling, guidance counselor or trusted adult. Set up a time to chat so they don’t feel ambushed. Let them know in advance you want help talking through some difficult feelings. No shame. No apologies. Vulnerability builds courage. This process will be good for you both.

2.      Sit calmly to observe and find words for your feelings. Try to avoid explaining or judging them. They do NOT define who you are, but it’s important to acknowledge that they’re a big part of your life today.  

3.      Examine the positive “unmet need” beneath each negative emotion. For example, underneath Brendan’s loneliness may be the positive need to connect meaningfully with another person. His desire to be a productive person is behind his anxiety about choosing a career. Uncover the positive values that give rise to the negative emotion. Values come first and are permanent, while emotions come and go.

4.      Focus on what you want – on the conditions and states of mind that are your goals. Stay rooted in those positive values and needs. Dream big. What is it that matters most? Who and how do you want to be? How do you get to that place? Share your vulnerable truth, with all the courage you can muster, then flip each problem upside down by describing what the solution could look like.

5.      Brainstorm practical strategies for moving toward the goal. You haven’t asked for advice up till now, only for an ear. Now you can each throw out ideas. Ignore all the things you can’t do. What resources, what abilities do you have? What windows are open, even a little? How about beginning a fitness regime, downloading a self-scheduling app, setting up Zoom sessions with friends, signing up for an online course. Make a list.

6.      Decide on a few practical, initial steps. Act on them. Begin modestly, but begin now.

7.      Assess progress slowly, patiently. Change is incremental; it takes time. The intention to consciously change is the beginning of emotional self-management. The painful feelings you once feared and resented can now be seen for what they always were: the calls to make changes and the incentives for growth.

Keep in mind the words of Seneca, the Roman orator, who said, “what matters is not what you bear but how you bear it”.

In the realm of self-esteem and emotional health, how you bear it is ALL that matters.

Essential conversations shift youth into an empowered relationship with their emotional life.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Ready, Set, Pivot – Adapting to Unwanted Change

How well are you responding to the astounding changes that COVID-19 has imposed on your life? You’ve suddenly had to shift how you work and shop, how your kids receive their education and even how you socialize. Old disruptors such as e-commerce, online news sites, ride-sharing apps now seem mainstream or even old school.

Changes bring uncertainty; uncertainty breeds stress. We’re all wondering what the new normal will be in two months or two years from now. Truth is – you can’t be certain about what the future will require; but you can control your ability to adapt.

Research studies from multiple sources conclude that individuals with higher levels of adaptability adjust more successfully to shifting social environments, and report higher levels of life satisfaction. Better yet, a 2016 study reported in the Harvard Business Review reveals that adaptability can be learned.

1. Expect to Pivot. Those who adapt well view all change as a fact of life. Instead of feeling victimized by unjust forces, ashamed of past mistakes, or dreaming about “the good old days” they stay in the present, engaged in their work, alert for any opportunity. They’re ready to shift sideways, creating a new way forward.

Let’s say that under the strain of COVID isolation you blew up after your teenager sneered at your request for help with the dishes. Rethink your approach. How can you engage differently, in a way that might connect?  You could negotiate earning privileges by helping out, or express  your stress and need for assistance. You’d better pivot, because the teen is changing so you need to as well.

2. Dwell on Positive Solutions, not Negative Feelings. Emotional awareness is important as a starting place. But you don’t want to remain focused on negative feelings. Repeatedly broadcasting negative emotions hinders our natural adaptation processes. (Wortman, F.B. & Boerner, K., 2007) The alternative isn’t to “toughen up” or ignore your troubles. Instead, use that awareness to motivate a search for practical solutions.

Perhaps you notice you’re feeling a surge of anxiety about the COVID conversion of your home office to a virtual workplace. Treat that as a call to action. You might search YouTube videos that provide instructions on the use of virtual platforms, or ask a tech-savvy colleague for help. To manage the stress, research exercise routines devoted to stress reduction, or download an meditation app.

3. Reflect on Your Values, Not Your Fears. This tip builds on the previous one, starting with awareness of difficult emotions and examining what underlies them. The strategy is to focus on what deeply matters to you – connection, love, creativity, belonging, etc.  Do this by asking yourself what positive, frustrated values are causing the negative feeling.  Here’s an example.

Imagine your income has declined due to the pandemic and you’re drawing on savings. You doubt yourself and feel like a failure.  Dig beneath those feelings. What positive values underlie those emotions? Reflect, and it won’t take long to recognize your sadness and self-doubt are founded on your sense of responsibility. What matters to you is taking care of your family and being a reliable provider. Financial fortunes have changed, not your values or your ethical quality as a person.

4. Accept the Past; Fight for the Future. You may never be free from change, yet you are always free to choose how to respond to it.  Even though you can’t go back to the life you used to have, you can choose whether to lament what’s lost or conjure the courage to embrace the future, employing your freedom to chart your next steps.

Picture lockdown driving a wedge between you and your partner, who has stunned you by demanding a divorce. Your world has turned upside down. Will anger compel you to get even, or will despair drive you under the covers? These understandable impulses both push back against change. Or, once you’ve recovered from the shock, will you dust yourself off, accept that the ground has shifted, and strive for the fairest resolution you can amicably reach?

5. Find Humour in the Situation. Humour lightens the mood, helping you to see the problem from a different perspective and improving social interaction. The difficulties of others are no laughing matter, but finding an ironic twist on your own dilemma casts the situation in a new light.

If, for example, you have been unable to work because of COVID restrictions, you might play with reframing it as an ironic gift. “Hey sweetheart, I’ve been impatient to kick back and relax on vacation and the universe just dropped an unannounced holiday in my lap. And we can’t blow our money on a closed resort – so we’ll vacation here in the back yard.”

You can’t control change. Yet when change happens, how to respond is your choice. Always.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 100 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.