I’m a family mediator. I get in the middle of other people’s problems. Things can get loud at times, but I wouldn’t be invited if things were going well.
My clients are most often couples seeking to separate or to save their marriage, but may be siblings who have fallen out of touch, parents at odds with their teenage children or adult children disagreeing about end of life care for their elderly parent. Every situation is unique.
The primary goal, however, is nearly always the same: to find answers to the issues that keep triggering conflict in the relationship. In short, to improve communication.
Participants are often shocked by how quickly they reach agreement, once they get to the table. As the mediator, I’m shocked by how long it takes them to get to the table.
Here’s another puzzling thing I’ve noticed: it’s almost always the woman who reaches out first.
I’ve had dozens and dozens of cases in my career, and in more than 80% of those cases, the first contact is initiated by a female. What’s going on with that? Why are women the ones who seek help? There are just as many men as women in difficult relationships, just as many men who are suffering emotional pain or hanging on in situations that are stressful.
Why aren’t the men doing the google search and emailing or picking up the phone?
Take heterosexual couples for example. Almost every case is initiated by the woman, who reports she is “living in parallel”, experiencing minimal intimacy or feeling taken for granted. The man may be a good father, yet acts like he’s on auto-pilot in the relationship, shrugging off her complaints saying “things aren’t really that bad”, dismissing her unhappiness as “an over-reaction”, avoiding the conversation by saying “why can’t we just relax and have fun like we used to?”.
He may look like he doesn’t care but most often he does and just doesn’t know how to express it. That’s what’s so tragic. When she finally says “I’m fed up. I want a divorce,” he feels blindsided. By the time they arrive in mediation he’s the one who presents as most devastated.
Once our work begins, men are equally able to listen respectfully, to articulate their needs and collaborate on solutions. They are as willing as the women to practice the communication skills I teach, and just as appreciative when they succeed.
So why aren’t they as quick to admit the dysfunction and seek solutions before things fall off the rails?
Is there a way to shake men awake before they wake up alone? Anything helpful you or I can say?
The vulnerability that some men fear (and therefore avoid) is actually the door to their deepest strength and connection. The door can be opened with honest communication, if only they could see it that way.
If you have any thoughts on how to pass men the key, please share your suggestions in the comments below.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 100 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.
