Tips on Talking About Your Pain (It’s OK Not to feel OK – But Not OK to Hide it Away)

Stress is a major component of modern life and has escalated dramatically for many people during the isolation of COVID, yet it can be hard to talk about.

Few of us know how to be heard.

Take my client Brendan, for example. He’s a healthy teenager in many ways. Frustrated with COVID restrictions, he wants to do what’s right, to be tolerant and brave without being a pain. As a result, he doesn’t talk about his loneliness, or his sleeplessness over worries about finding a girlfriend or choosing a career.

It’s OK for him not to feel OK. His sadness and worry are healthy emotional responses to adolescence in an uncertain world. But he has never been guided to accept that those emotions are healthy, or been shown how they can be managed. His parents tell him not to worry, that it’ll all be OK. His friends change the topic. News feeds he follows make the world look hopeless and heroes in his favorite shows are the strong, silent type.  

Brendan wonders if there is something wrong with him when anxiety takes him into dark places. He feels ashamed and helpless and doesn’t know what to do.

Here are some tips that could help Brendan (and guide you in guiding him):

1.      Find someone you trust to talk to. A parent, older sibling, guidance counselor or trusted adult. Set up a time to chat so they don’t feel ambushed. Let them know in advance you want help talking through some difficult feelings. No shame. No apologies. Vulnerability builds courage. This process will be good for you both.

2.      Sit calmly to observe and find words for your feelings. Try to avoid explaining or judging them. They do NOT define who you are, but it’s important to acknowledge that they’re a big part of your life today.  

3.      Examine the positive “unmet need” beneath each negative emotion. For example, underneath Brendan’s loneliness may be the positive need to connect meaningfully with another person. His desire to be a productive person is behind his anxiety about choosing a career. Uncover the positive values that give rise to the negative emotion. Values come first and are permanent, while emotions come and go.

4.      Focus on what you want – on the conditions and states of mind that are your goals. Stay rooted in those positive values and needs. Dream big. What is it that matters most? Who and how do you want to be? How do you get to that place? Share your vulnerable truth, with all the courage you can muster, then flip each problem upside down by describing what the solution could look like.

5.      Brainstorm practical strategies for moving toward the goal. You haven’t asked for advice up till now, only for an ear. Now you can each throw out ideas. Ignore all the things you can’t do. What resources, what abilities do you have? What windows are open, even a little? How about beginning a fitness regime, downloading a self-scheduling app, setting up Zoom sessions with friends, signing up for an online course. Make a list.

6.      Decide on a few practical, initial steps. Act on them. Begin modestly, but begin now.

7.      Assess progress slowly, patiently. Change is incremental; it takes time. The intention to consciously change is the beginning of emotional self-management. The painful feelings you once feared and resented can now be seen for what they always were: the calls to make changes and the incentives for growth.

Keep in mind the words of Seneca, the Roman orator, who said, “what matters is not what you bear but how you bear it”.

In the realm of self-esteem and emotional health, how you bear it is ALL that matters.

Essential conversations shift youth into an empowered relationship with their emotional life.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 100 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

How to Know if Mediation is Right for Your Divorce: The Goldilocks Solution

COVID-19 restrictions have brought Jill and Ron’s marriage to the brink. They’ve agreed to divorce but not to much else. Ron thinks they should hire lawyers to work it out in court and suck up the costs. Jill doesn’t want to spend all that money and time or hand over decision-making power to a judge. To her it’s a no-brainer to hire a mediator to help work things out between them more amicably, quickly and inexpensively.

Is mediation the right solution? It often is, for a number of reasons:

1.     You meet on your own time, at your own convenience, not when the court dictates. It can take a few weeks or months - not a few years as court often does.

2.     You construct your own agreement including terms that make sense to you. The mediator facilitates the conversation but can’t impose any decision.

3.     Costs are lower for two reasons: first, you split the mediator’s fees, rather than each paying the higher hourly fee of a lawyer; second, it almost always requires fewer hours.

4.     Co-parenting is easier after facilitated problem-solving sessions. There is a chance of improving ongoing communications, which is a big win for your children.

5.     Privacy is a guarantee in mediation, unlike court proceedings which are open to public scrutiny.

Mediation is preferred by more and more couples these days, and is successful 85% of the time. That missing 15% shows that it’s not always the best process for everyone. It is “The Goldilocks Solution” for parties who get along “just right”. Exceptions occur when conflict is too low or too high.

Too Low:

If Ron and Jill can amicably work out an agreement at the kitchen table, why hire a neutral third party? They can save the cash. They will only need lawyers at the end, to provide legal advice and prepare a Separation Agreement.

Too High:

If conflict escalates, Jill and Ron won’t negotiate well. This is a judgement call, unique to each case, but generally mediation is NOT recommended when any of the following questions is answered with “yes”:

·     does a history of abuse in the relationship prevent one party from negotiating on his or her own behalf?

·       does substance abuse or a mental health problem prevent Ron or Jill from rational problem solving?

·       is emotional turmoil at a peak, preventing one or both from listening?

·       is one party unwilling or unable to negotiate in good faith?

These situations give cause to pause, although they don’t necessarily preclude mediation. Sometimes it’s best to delay until parties calm down. Perhaps the couple can wait until medical or therapeutic support has been provided.

Mediators are also trained to offer accommodations such as inviting a lawyer or support person into sessions. Shuttle mediation can also be used to keep parties in separate rooms.

Most separating couples are in the Goldilocks middle range, with conflict neither too high or too low, but just right.

To learn more about Divorce Mediation: ReflectiveMediation.ca

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 100 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

“Not Yet” Is a Statement of HOPE

“Have you become the person you want to be?”       “Not yet”.

“Do you and your partner fully connect?”                    “Not yet”.

“When will you get your life back from COVID?”        “Not yet”.

Do you hear the note of hope in that phrase? “Not Yet” is a world away from “No Way” or “Never”.

As a professional mediator and communication coach, I often hear from potential clients who desperately wish the tension at home or work would end .... yet they have given up on believing that there’s anything they can do. They shrug and say “there’s no point in wtrying. My partner and I will never connect.”

I find the word “never” to be incredibly sad, because respectful conversations CAN and DO improve people’s lives every day. I see it whenever couples, colleagues or family members listen deeply and speak openly with a simple intention to connect.  It takes courage; and it’s worth it.

Instead of avoiding difficult conversations, take the attitude: “I’ve got to try something.” Doing nothing guarantees it will get worse. Instead, take a risk and give it a try. Allow yourself to work with a partner, parent or mediator to reach agreement on small desired changes, then slowly shift your behaviours, one step at a time.

The key is to begin in a spirit of curiosity, believing your relationships CAN improve. You won’t be perfect. Not yet. Your relationship won’t be perfect. Not yet. Realism is the recognition that healthy relationships CAN be earned with a bit of luck and a lot of conscious effort.  

Don’t buy into the cynical cliche “it is what it is.” That’s just an excuse to do nothing. Those who give up before trying will create a self-fulfilling prophecy. Not because there was no way but because they didn’t start looking for a way. They arrived too quickly at “never,” when the truth all along was “not yet.”

“Not yet” isn’t easy. Perhaps you long for a world of “already everything”; but without winter the spring wouldn’t be so sweet. It’s best to embrace the struggle to grow.

We may always have to live with “Not Yet”. That’s OK. The effort leaves us a little better off than yesterday, and elevates our heart a world away from “never”.

I invite you to join me in the quest.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 100 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Steps to Expect When You Give Me a Call

Reflective Mediation is about solving relationship problems by improving communication. You will be dealing directly with me, Mike MacConnell (and my intern for cases of separation and divorce).  Whether through remote video-conference (especially during Covid) or in person, mediation clients meet face-to-face in respectful, facilitated conversations, to arrive at mutual agreement on their issues. Coaching clients work with me privately, face-to-face or by phone.

Inquiry by Email

Our work together usually begins with  an email inquiry to (mike@reflectivemediation.ca or mikegmacconnell@gmail.com) I’ll reply asap answering any initial questions and scheduling a telephone call. If your first inquiry is by telephone, we’re already at the next step.

Telephone Conversation

I call this the “business call”. We arrange for me to call you, or you call 416-433-1314, essentially to vet one another. You want to get a sense of whether you would feel comfortable in this process, working with me, and to have your questions answered, while I’m determining whether your goals, needs and issues are well matched by my skill set.

This call is entirely free of charge, fully confidential, and usually takes about 30 to 45 minutes.

I want to get the broad strokes of your situation. I’ll be listening carefully to understand what the issues are, the obstacles you fear and what goals matter most. Next, I need to ensure you are making a fully informed decision before deciding on the process. These are my practical goals.

I’m also dedicated to a psychological goal. I frequently hear from people in pain, people who feel depleted, discouraged and stuck. My goal is to reassure every client that even the most dire situations CAN improve with calm self-care and respectful communication.

Getting Hired

Those calling about private coaching can move directly to financial arrangements once they have decided to move forward. In mediation cases, because another party is involved, I require a similar, no-charge “business call”. Fully-informed, voluntary decisions are essential from each participant. Once all parties have agreed to move forward, I email an Invoice for payment.

Fees

My standard hourly rate is $190 + HST = $215/hr. Flexible rates can be negotiated on an as-needed basis. Each party normally pays an equal share, thus $107.50/hr. each for a 2-party mediation. I ask for a retainer, preferably by e-transfer, representing anywhere from 3 to 10 hours, depending on the case.

I keep detailed docket on an excel spreadsheet which can be shared at any time upon request.

Any unused portion of the retainer is refunded immediately upon termination of our work together, regardless of the reason for its termination.

Once Hired

Our first conversation upon being hired will be a private, confidential Intake Session. This is the chance for the mediator to screen for trigger issues, and to allow each party to provide more detailed information about their situation, including things they might not wish to share during a joint joint session.

In cases of separation and divorce, each party will be emailed an Agreement to Mediate Form and a Mediation Intake Form to be completed and returned prior to the first Joint Session.

Joint Sessions

We now bring participants together for conversations directed toward respectful listening and collaborative solutions. This brings us into the heart of our work.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 100 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Why Don’t Men See It Coming?

I’m a family mediator. I get in the middle of other people’s problems. Things can get loud at times, but I wouldn’t be invited if things were going well.

My clients are most often couples seeking to separate or to save their marriage, but may be siblings who have fallen out of touch, parents at odds with their teenage children or adult children disagreeing about end of life care for their elderly parent. Every situation is unique.

The primary goal, however, is nearly always the same: to find answers to the issues that keep triggering conflict in the relationship. In short, to improve communication.

Participants are often shocked by how quickly they reach agreement, once they get to the table. As the mediator, I’m shocked by how long it takes them to get to the table.  

Here’s another puzzling thing I’ve noticed: it’s almost always the woman who reaches out first.

I’ve had dozens and dozens of cases in my career, and in more than 80% of those cases, the first contact is initiated by a female. What’s going on with that? Why are women the ones who seek help? There are just as many men as women in difficult relationships, just as many men who are suffering emotional pain or hanging on in situations that are stressful.

Why aren’t the men doing the google search and emailing or picking up the phone? 

Take heterosexual couples for example. Almost every case is initiated by the woman, who reports she is “living in parallel”, experiencing minimal intimacy or feeling taken for granted. The man may be a good father, yet acts like he’s on auto-pilot in the relationship, shrugging off her complaints saying “things aren’t really that bad”, dismissing her unhappiness as “an over-reaction”, avoiding the conversation by saying “why can’t we just relax and have fun like we used to?”.

He may look like he doesn’t care but most often he does and just doesn’t know how to express it. That’s what’s so tragic. When she finally says “I’m fed up. I want a divorce,” he feels blindsided. By the time they arrive in mediation he’s the one who presents as most devastated. 

Once our work begins, men are equally able to listen respectfully, to articulate their needs and collaborate on solutions. They are as willing as the women to practice the communication skills I teach, and just as appreciative when they succeed.

So why aren’t they as quick to admit the dysfunction and seek solutions before things fall off the rails?

Is there a way to shake men awake before they wake up alone? Anything helpful you or I can say?

The vulnerability that some men fear (and therefore avoid) is actually the door to their deepest strength and connection. The door can be opened with honest communication, if only they could see it that way.

If you have any thoughts on how to pass men the key, please share your suggestions in the comments below.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 100 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Ready, Set, Pivot – Adapting to Unwanted Change

How well are you responding to the astounding changes that COVID-19 has imposed on your life? You’ve suddenly had to shift how you work and shop, how your kids receive their education and even how you socialize. Old disruptors such as e-commerce, online news sites, ride-sharing apps now seem mainstream or even old school.

Changes bring uncertainty; uncertainty breeds stress. We’re all wondering what the new normal will be in two months or two years from now. Truth is – you can’t be certain about what the future will require; but you can control your ability to adapt.

Research studies from multiple sources conclude that individuals with higher levels of adaptability adjust more successfully to shifting social environments, and report higher levels of life satisfaction. Better yet, a 2016 study reported in the Harvard Business Review reveals that adaptability can be learned.

1. Expect to Pivot. Those who adapt well view all change as a fact of life. Instead of feeling victimized by unjust forces, ashamed of past mistakes, or dreaming about “the good old days” they stay in the present, engaged in their work, alert for any opportunity. They’re ready to shift sideways, creating a new way forward.

Let’s say that under the strain of COVID isolation you blew up after your teenager sneered at your request for help with the dishes. Rethink your approach. How can you engage differently, in a way that might connect?  You could negotiate earning privileges by helping out, or express  your stress and need for assistance. You’d better pivot, because the teen is changing so you need to as well.

2. Dwell on Positive Solutions, not Negative Feelings. Emotional awareness is important as a starting place. But you don’t want to remain focused on negative feelings. Repeatedly broadcasting negative emotions hinders our natural adaptation processes. (Wortman, F.B. & Boerner, K., 2007) The alternative isn’t to “toughen up” or ignore your troubles. Instead, use that awareness to motivate a search for practical solutions.

Perhaps you notice you’re feeling a surge of anxiety about the COVID conversion of your home office to a virtual workplace. Treat that as a call to action. You might search YouTube videos that provide instructions on the use of virtual platforms, or ask a tech-savvy colleague for help. To manage the stress, research exercise routines devoted to stress reduction, or download an meditation app.

3. Reflect on Your Values, Not Your Fears. This tip builds on the previous one, starting with awareness of difficult emotions and examining what underlies them. The strategy is to focus on what deeply matters to you – connection, love, creativity, belonging, etc.  Do this by asking yourself what positive, frustrated values are causing the negative feeling.  Here’s an example.

Imagine your income has declined due to the pandemic and you’re drawing on savings. You doubt yourself and feel like a failure.  Dig beneath those feelings. What positive values underlie those emotions? Reflect, and it won’t take long to recognize your sadness and self-doubt are founded on your sense of responsibility. What matters to you is taking care of your family and being a reliable provider. Financial fortunes have changed, not your values or your ethical quality as a person.

4. Accept the Past; Fight for the Future. You may never be free from change, yet you are always free to choose how to respond to it.  Even though you can’t go back to the life you used to have, you can choose whether to lament what’s lost or conjure the courage to embrace the future, employing your freedom to chart your next steps.

Picture lockdown driving a wedge between you and your partner, who has stunned you by demanding a divorce. Your world has turned upside down. Will anger compel you to get even, or will despair drive you under the covers? These understandable impulses both push back against change. Or, once you’ve recovered from the shock, will you dust yourself off, accept that the ground has shifted, and strive for the fairest resolution you can amicably reach?

5. Find Humour in the Situation. Humour lightens the mood, helping you to see the problem from a different perspective and improving social interaction. The difficulties of others are no laughing matter, but finding an ironic twist on your own dilemma casts the situation in a new light.

If, for example, you have been unable to work because of COVID restrictions, you might play with reframing it as an ironic gift. “Hey sweetheart, I’ve been impatient to kick back and relax on vacation and the universe just dropped an unannounced holiday in my lap. And we can’t blow our money on a closed resort – so we’ll vacation here in the back yard.”

You can’t control change. Yet when change happens, how to respond is your choice. Always.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 100 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 100 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Tips to Build Resilience in Troubled Times

The COVID-19 pandemic has placed enormous stress on people around the world, those who’ve lost jobs, lost businesses, lost loved ones, or who are trying to work full time from tiny apartments while caring for children who can’t attend school or day care. We are all trying to support each other. But why will some of us have resilience and come out of this period relatively unscathed, while others are at risk of ongoing depression and anxiety? Can adults improve their ability to bounce back?

Resilience, it turns out, is a learnable skill. You can take steps to build it.

If you are juggling working from home with trying to home-school children, the frantic pace of the day may be wearing you down. Practicing Mindfulness for just ten or fifteen minutes a day can help you focus and relax. 

Mindfulness, defined by John Kabat-Zinn as “the awareness that arises from paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment and non-judgmentally” has proven results. His Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction program is an evidence-based approach using breath and body awareness as a way of calming the nervous system, thereby increasing resilience. 

Diane L. Coutu, senior editor of the Harvard Business Review (2002) argues that resilient people possess a number of learnable skills. One key is to Cultivate Acceptance. Rather than resenting circumstances beyond your control, direct attention to what you can control: your responses. Stuck inside with your spouse and the kids? Get together in the kitchen taking turns learning how to make one another’s favourite recipes. 

Coutu’s second suggestion refers to Victor Frankl, the Auschwitz survivor who credits his survival to his ability to Make Meaning out of suffering. Frankl found meaning in the people and the work he loved. No doubt your situation also is laden with opportunity to make meaning. By creating goals for yourself, for your family, for those you love or a cause you believe in, you can rise above the moment to view it from a higher perspective. 

When disaster hits, Improvise, be inventive. Pivot. Challenge yourself to adapt by moving in new and unexpected directions. Coutu recommends you make the most of what you have, putting resources to unfamiliar uses and imagining possibilities you previously didn’t see. You can’t go to concerts, but maybe you can find new artists online, or challenge yourself to learn a favourite song. 

Social isolation doesn’t have to be psychological isolation. It’s crucial to Stay Connected to assure you and your family emerge more bonded and functional than ever. Get curious about what’s really going on with them. Initiate honest conversations. Pick up the telephone. Teach yourself to host free video-conferences with extended family and friends. 

Stressful times can put cracks in your relationships. The persistent effort to heal those rifts may be the greatest gift of a resilient disposition. Maybe you’ll find, as Leonard Cohen says, that “the cracks are where the light gets in.”

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 100 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Marriage Story: The aikido Approach

I teach a college course in divorce mediation and was recently delighted by the dramatic opportunity presented by two students who were role-playing an upset wife and husband.  In the role of mediator, I was demonstrating the subtle art of “going with” the other person, a communication technique that entails resisting the automatic tendency to “push back” when you disagree. 

The student playing the “wife” barked out something like “The kids and I would be better off if you were dead”.

These were hurtful words, utterly unhelpful to reaching agreement. The natural reaction would be to halt the exchange with a reminder that parties had previously agreed to speak respectfully. I had no intention to reprimand. Her high emotion provided me with the perfect opportunity to demonstrate the Aikido approach.

Named after an ancient martial art, the Aikido approach, when applied to conflict resolution, teaches how to neutralize an attack without inflicting harm. Rather than retaliating, shaming or proving her wrong, this non-aggressive approach accepts the other person’s position and goes with it.

“That is a surprising statement.” I responded, “Do you mean what you said?”

“I mean every word. My children and I would be far better off if he was dead.”

“You must be carrying enormous pain to have such a wish. Help me understand how you believe it would make your life and the lives of your children better if their father was dead.” I turned to the “husband” and said, “Sir, I appreciate your restraint and ask you, if you can, to listen for the next few minutes without immediately responding.” 

The student playing the “wife” improvised for a few minutes, painting an elaborate portrait of her “husband” as a useless internet-gamer and compulsive YouTube addict who was completely inept in caring for his family. 

At one point the “husband” interrupted, “That’s untrue. You’re exaggerating unbelievably!”

“Sir, difficult as it must be, I’m asking you to let her continue. You don’t need to agree. I am not here to gather evidence or judge who is right or wrong. We are listening to what is true from her point of view. I promise we will soon get to hear your side. Will you agree just to listen for the next few minutes?”

“Ok.” he grumbled.

 “Thank you.”

Turning to her, I said, “Thank you for expressing your point of view. I understand more fully now why this divorce is important to you. Please continue. How do you believe it would it be for your family? Imagine the children after the loss of their father. How would it be for them?”

The student tried to maintain her righteous indignation, but couldn’t carry on for long. Soon, on her own, she admitted her words might have been exaggerated, “Of course, I know the kids would miss him. They would miss playing video games together. And his pancakes. It’s just unfair, that’s all. I earn the salary and I take care of him like he’s one of the kids. He doesn’t carry his weight.”

“Now you’re getting to what matters.” I said, “Carrying one’s weight is an important issue to negotiate. It sounds like you are worried that adult responsibilities are currently out of balance. Sir, do you agree it’s important to balance your parenting responsibilities?”

“Yes, of course I do.”

“Then the two of you agree on an important principle. Now you’re moving forward. Let’s continue.” Her emotions had been legitimized, not shut down, which enabled her to correct herself without being pushed to do so.

Aikido-style negotiation focuses on what makes sense, and avoids getting derailed by what doesn’t. Instead of “fighting for peace” you are “being peaceful for peace”.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 100 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

How to Reduce Conflict in Social Isolation

It’s a blessing to have company during social isolation. But it can feel like a curse.

Pick your issue - one way or another, many of us feel triggered and ready to snap at our partners, roommates or children when we’re stuck home with one another – and there’s no place to get away.

For example:

·       She predicts global catastrophe with an air of certainty that you find pompous and depressing.

·       His advice on how to do household chores makes it sound like he thinks you’re incompetent.

Here are a few tips on managing your response when you’re tempted to snap.

What if instead of getting caught up in judging your partner, or feeling criticized, you recognized the other’s behaviour as useful, incoming information about how it is for them? What if you assumed the other person was doing the best they could?  Try finding out. A dose of sincere curiosity can shift the outcome from conflict to connection.

It’s called an Aikido Approach*. Simply put, it’s about “going with” instead of pushing back.

Here’s how it might play out when you feel irritated or overwhelmed:

·       First, get quietly centred in yourself. Check in on your agitated reaction.

·       Notice your impulse. Name it to yourself. Take a slow, conscious breath.

·       “Go with” the other person’s words. Assume their behaviour is a legitimate expression of what they need now. Cultivate curiosity about that.  

·       Inquire into what it looks and feels like for them.

To the global catastrophist you might say:

·       “Tell me more. Your predictions sound pretty dire and scary.   Should I be scared? Do you want to talk it through?”

·       “Are there any steps you think we should be taking to prevent that from happening?”

·       “What are your suggestions about how we can prepare in case that occurs?”

In response to advice on household chores you might say:

·       “I get that doing chores correctly matters a lot to you. We share that. If I did them my way, please explain what you are worried would happen?”

·       “When I hear your advice, it sounds like you doubt my ability. That is upsetting for me. What impact were you hoping to have?” 

·       “Can you suggest a way for us to discuss this more skillfully?”

It’s called an Aikido approach after the martial art that neutralizes conflict without unnecessary force or injury to either side. When someone comes at you, (or their words do) you simply get out of the way and add your own energy to theirs. You unbalance the other’s position, without aggression. Applied to relationships, the Aikido approach defuses conflict by helping you understand the other person, even if you don’t always agree.

Curiosity is hard to summon when you disagree or feel hurt. The natural reaction is to resist, correct, argue, inform, or get even.  It isn’t easy to put your reactions on hold; but curiosity works. It requires an attitude of acceptance, a centred willingness to “go with” the other person rather than push back from a sense of threat.

No need to fake it. No need to agree. Being curious is about genuinely accepting that their point of view and their feelings are as legitimate to them as yours are to you.

Tension is less likely to build. And when it does, find something to ask. When your goal is not to get back at them, you’ll improve your ability to get back with them.

 * Fully articulated in The Magic of Conflict, by Thomas F. Crum, Touchstone Books, 1988.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 100 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Ten Tips for Brad and Angelina During Their Divorce

When stars fall from grace it hurts everyone who looked up to them. Part of our dreams fall with them.

All the more so if your own marriage has fallen from stardom to dust. You may find yourself at the same crossroad where Brad and Angelina now stand.

The stars seem prepared to do battle with an army of attorneys. They can afford the expense but what about the emotional toll?  There is an option to seeking vengeance: to heal and move on, putting the welfare of the children first.

When you awaken to a marriage that has crumbled, the first battle happens inside. Will you give in to the urge to win or provide a more civilized role model to your kids through respectful collaboration?

I work as a mediator with divorcing families. They have taught me that the psychologists are right. You don’t need to like your adversary to rise above the fray and become the role model you want to be for your kids. The high road is a steeper climb – but it offers a wiser path.

Brad and Angelina – and anyone experiencing separation – can benefit from these tips:

THINK WISELY

1.   Let the long term goal of freedom outweigh the immediate impulse for revenge.

2.   Don’t give in, but meet your needs peacefully, through negotiation instead of battle.

3.   Look at this conflict as an opportunity for personal growth.

4.   Challenge your hatred, knowing its best for your kids (and for you in the long run) if your ex is healthy and prosperous.

 FEEL DEEPLY

5.   Sit patiently with your pain. Accept it as your teacher, without pushing it away or reacting.

6.   Direct your thoughts away from hostility toward compassion for yourself and your kids. Let that guide your heart.

7.   Connect with the sides of yourself that are resilient, creative and strong. (Impotent anger won’t help. Motivate yourself toward positive goals.)

ENSURE THAT THE KIDS COME FIRST

8.   Change is scary. Reassure them (and yourself) that they have the resources and skills to thrive.

9.   When children ask for the impossible, reduce toxicity by directing conversation toward choices that ARE available.

10. Be the adult you want them to become: honest, engaged, sensitive, and able to have fun. 

If you find yourself going through a separation or divorce, please don't hesitate to get in touch. At my family mediation practice, Reflective Mediation, we help families resolve painful emotional and financial decisions using positive, solution-oriented communication skills. We assist parents to work together in the best interest of their children, for now and the future.  We teach easy-to-learn exercises that can calm emotions, and it’s okay to need a little help with your mental wellness when you’re in distress.

I'd love to connect with you on social media as well. Please follow me on Twitter or like our page on Facebook.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 100 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

How to Deal with – and learn from – your feelings about Trump

The Trump victory, for many, was a punch in the belly. It now looks like bullies win, that anger and ignorance and intolerance are in charge.

Reactions to Donald Trump highlight a dilemma we often face. Life sends curve-balls. Is there a way to deal with overwhelming emotion? Is there a healthy way to manage your response to events you can’t control?

The best revenge also happens to be the best defense: equanimity. That is, to stay being engaged while becoming untroubled.

I learned this in the early months of my own divorce, when impotent anger and anxiety made me feel like a cornered animal ready to win at all costs. That pain guided me to my yoga mat in search of relief.

Physical postures and breath-work provided an answer unavailable to my conscious intellect.  Concentration on poses calmed my brain. They didn’t fix the external problem, but quieted the internal one.

Neuroscientists describe equanimity as a detached state of mind in which “you have a kind of space around experiences, a buffer between you and [your] feelings.” (Rick Hanson PH.D., Buddha’s Brain, p 111) 

Relaxed awareness should not be mistaken for aloofness. “Equanimity is neither apathy nor indifference: you are warmly engaged with the world but not troubled by it.” (Ibid) Acquiring equanimity doesn’t rid you of emotion or suppress it.

However, brain scans show that during a meditation or yoga practice you remain as fully aware of emotional impulses as ever, but your nervous system doesn’t get triggered into the hyper arousal of fight-or-flight. Instead you remain clear-headed.

Equanimity allows attentiveness without the distortion that comes from being emotionally triggered.

Photo credit: Boss Tweed via Flickr

So what will you do? Are you going to dwell on Trump and remain upset? Will you get triggered when a dominating person next steps into your life? Do you want to be a role model for your kids? Your best response, always, is to practice equanimity. 

If you plan to be an activist, fighting against ignorance and intolerance, you will be more effective (not to mention healthier and happier) if you are calm and clearheaded.

So where do you begin if you find yourself in an extreme state of agitation about the state of the world since Trump’s election? Here are a few things you can try:

Begin a mindfulness ritual. Even if you’ve never meditated or done yoga before, now is a great time to start. Try the meditation app Headspace and spend 10 minute each morning following a guided meditation journey for beginners. Or find a series of a series of restorative yoga poses on YouTube and give those a try. Some helpful ones can also be found in my book The Yoga of Divorce.

Turn your frustration into concrete action. You may be powerless to do anything about who Trump selects for his cabinet, but you can join an advocacy group to draw attention to the issues that matter most to you. You can also leverage your worry for good by devoting some of your time — face-to-face — to helping those in need. You might volunteer in a soup kitchen or help an immigrant family to get settled, for example.

Spend some time outdoors. When it feels like the world has gone crazy, a walk in the woods — or even around the block — can help to shift your mood and remind you that there is more to life than what’s playing out in the news.

If you need more, get in touch. At my practice, Reflective Mediation, we offer mindfulness training and other stress-reduction practices that have been scientifically proven to rewire the nervous system.  We teach easy-to-learn exercises that can calm emotions, and it’s okay to need a little help with your mental wellness when you’re in distress.

I'd love to connect with you on social media as well. Please follow me on Twitter or like our page on Facebook.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 100 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.