Technology and Ethics in Family Mediation: Are We Truly Serving Our Clients?

May 28, 2025 Mike MacConnell

Hey fellow mediators,

I've been thinking a lot lately about our shared commitment to ethical practice. We all entered this field with noble intentions—helping clients navigate conflicts respectfully and find win-win solutions that avoid the adversarial nature of litigation. But I want to have an honest conversation about whether we're fully living up to our ethical obligations when it comes to embracing technology.

Pre-COVID, a typical separation agreement might take around 20 hours to complete. Today, with thoughtful application of technology, that same agreement can be finalized in 10-12 hours. That's potentially thousands of dollars in savings for our clients during what's often a financially stressful time in their lives.

Yet many of us haven't incorporated these time-saving technologies into our practice. Let me share three specific tools that have transformed my mediation work—tools rarely covered in mediation training programs:

First, shared document platforms like Google Docs have been game-changers. By sending clients a boilerplate separation agreement template with commenter privileges, they can review documents between sessions on their own time. They see each other's comments and questions, preparing them for more productive sessions. This eliminates hours previously spent walking through standard clauses together.

Second, video conferencing with screen sharing (I prefer Zoom) allows clients to participate from wherever they're comfortable while we collaboratively edit documents in real-time. Remember the old workflow? Take handwritten notes during in-person meetings, then bill clients while you transcribe and format those notes into formal documents that would need additional review later. Screen sharing eliminates this redundancy completely.

Third, AI recording and transcription tools (with client consent, of course) provide not just a record of what was discussed but can generate session summaries and action items. Clients almost always appreciate this service, which replaces the billable hours we used to spend drafting and sending "Progress Notes" after each meeting.

So why aren't these practices standard across our profession? Sometimes it's comfort with familiar methods or lack of technical confidence. But if we're truly committed to ethical practice, we need to recognize that unnecessary billable hours create an accessibility barrier to our services.

The question becomes uncomfortable but important: Is it ethical to maintain traditional practices that increase client costs when more efficient alternatives exist? If our primary commitment is to client welfare rather than billable hours, shouldn't we be obligated to adopt technologies that make our services more affordable?

I believe embracing these tools represents a higher standard of ethical practice—one that prioritizes client outcomes and financial well-being over professional convenience or profit maximization. It's about aligning our technological practices with the values that brought us to mediation in the first place.

I'd love to hear how others are navigating this intersection of technology and ethics in their practice. What tools have you found that genuinely benefit clients? What hesitations do you still have? Let's challenge each other to ensure our commitment to ethical practice extends to how we use—or don't use—the technological tools available to us.

What do you think? Are we living up to our ethical obligations if we're not helping clients save money through these accessible technologies?

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Cultivating Aimlessness: Peace within the Chaos of Separation and Divorce

April 30, 2025 Mike MacConnell

In the high-stakes world of separation and divorce mediation, I watch people navigate one of life's most challenging transitions with checklists, deadlines, and urgent decisions at every turn. I've noticed something crucial, both personally and professionally: amid all this purposeful activity, we've forgotten the value of purposeless time.

Cultivating aimlessness isn't about procrastinating or being lazy. Rather it's deliberately stepping away, however briefly, from goals and deadlines and allowing your mind to wander freely. It's a radical act in our efficiency-obsessed culture, and paradoxically, it may be exactly what we need to make better decisions.

Consider Maria, who came to mediation after her 18-year marriage ended. Every session, she arrived with color-coded folders and a running list of concerns. Her preparation was admirable, but her anxiety was palpable. The constant focus on problems had triggered her brain's threat response. She was in overdrive, making clear thinking difficult and decision-making nearly impossible.

One day, Maria mentioned she'd gotten lost on her way to my office and ended up walking through a park she'd never visited before. "For fifteen minutes, I forgot about the divorce," she said, surprised at how refreshed she felt afterward. That accidental break became her saving grace. We built "purposeless time" into her weekly schedule – no divorce research, no planning, just a few minutes of simply being. She became lighter, more flexible better able to collaborate on a parenting schedule that blended her interests with the interests of her ex.

Or take Jonathan, in a separate case, who approached his divorce like a military campaign. His hypervigilance left him exhausted and combative. During one particularly tense session, I suggested we pause and simply look out the window at the changing autumn leaves for a few minutes. His resistance was strong: "I don't have time for this." Yet after some minutes of aimless reflection, his face softened and he became more open about hearing her point of view. The conversation that followed was the first time they made progress on the difficult topic of spousal support.

The couples who navigate separation most successfully aren't necessarily those with the best lawyers or financial planners. They're often those who maintain their capacity for joy and sense of humour despite the chaos. They remember to call a friend just to talk about nothing important. They allow themselves to get absorbed in a hobby without justifying it as "self-care." They give themselves permission to wander.

Practicing purposelessness doesn't mean abandoning responsibility. Rather, it creates space around our responsibilities, preventing them from consuming us entirely. It's like the white space on a page that makes the text readable. Without it, everything blurs together.

In my twelve years of mediation work, I've learned that the most practical advice I can offer separating couples isn't always about asset division or co-parenting schedules. Sometimes it's

simply: Go for a walk without your phone. Sit in a café and people-watch. Lie in the grass and look at clouds. Get down on the floor and play with your kids.

These aimless moments aren't an indulgence – they're a necessity. They restore our fundamental humanity, a childlike sense of spaciousness in times when our identity feels constricted and life gets reduced to a problem that needs solving. And in doing so, those unscheduled moments often help us solve those problems with greater wisdom and grace.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Divorce Doesn’t have to be a Zero-Sum Game: The Case for Collaborative Ethics in Divorce

March 26, 2025 Mike MacConnell

When couples enter divorce mediation, they often arrive with a defensive posture. Each person, understandably anxious about their future, believes they must fight for every dollar, every minute of parenting time, and every household item. This mindset reflects what I call "Competitive ethics" – the belief that my gain must come at your expense, and that my only ethical obligation is to maximize my self-interest.

But after years of mediating divorces, I've observed something remarkable: those who approach separation with this zero-sum mentality typically end up worse off than those who are collaborative.

I advise them: take a pause. Let’s reflect. Recognize that EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED. You need to accept that you’re going to have your kids less of the time. You’re going to have fewer resources. Start from that reality. Then we can work towards terms that make this work for the kids.

The False Promise of Competitive Ethics

The Competitive approach seems logical on the surface. In a divorce, resources are finite – there's only so much money, property, and time with children to go around. If I get more, you get less. Simple math, right?

Not quite. This view fails to account for the hidden costs of conflict:

A couple I worked with spent $45,000 in legal fees fighting over a retirement account worth $80,000 before they shifted to mediation. Neither "won" – the lawyers did.

Another pair spent three years in litigation over their parenting schedule, during which their son developed anxiety issues that required therapy. The "victory" of two extra overnight visits each month came at an incalculable cost to their child's wellbeing.

The Collaborative Alternative

A collaborative approach recognizes that even in divorce, your wellbeing remains connected to your former partner's wellbeing when children are involved. Consider these real-world examples:

Financial collaboration: One couple creatively restructured their assets so he could keep his business intact while she maintained housing stability for their children. Rather than forcing a business sale that would have diminished value for both of them, they found a solution where both could thrive.

Co-parenting partnership: Another couple developed a flexible parenting arrangement that accommodated both parents' work schedules and the children's activities. When emergencies arose, they covered for each other without keeping score. They set a healthy example for their children, who thrived because they prioritized cooperation over competition.

Why Collaboration Works Better

The collaborative approach works because it recognizes fundamental truths about human wellbeing:

Psychological peace holds tangible value. The stress of ongoing conflict creates health costs, work disruption, and diminished quality of life that rarely justifies the material gains.

Children need functional co-parents more than they need extra possessions. Your ability to communicate effectively with your ex-spouse directly impacts your child's adjustment to divorce.

The divorce process is just the beginning. Co-parenting continues for years or decades. The patterns you establish now will shape countless future interactions.

Practical Steps To Get There

Ask yourself: "What outcome will still feel successful five years from now?"

Consider the full ecosystem of your divorce, not just the immediate division of assets

Remember that your children's wellbeing is inextricably linked to both parents' stability

View problem-solving as a shared challenge rather than a battleground

The path of collaboration isn't always easy. It requires vulnerability, creativity, and sometimes accepting less than what you might "win" in court. But by seeking solutions that benefit all involved, you often secure the outcomes that best serve your own long-term interests.

In the end, the most ethical approach to divorce also happens to be the most practical one: building bridges rather than burning them, even as you part ways.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

"Every Job You Do Does Two" - A Holiday Mantra

December 25, 2024 Mike MacConnell

The holiday season is upon us! As beautiful as it is, it can feel like a non-stop race with endless things to do. There are gifts to buy, meals to prepare, guests to entertain, and everything else on our “holiday to-do lists.” For many, the holidays feel like holding down two jobs: one is actually doing the tasks, and the other is just keeping track of what still needs doing! A long mental to-do list adds to your stress. That’s where a little saying I’ve carried for years comes in: "Every Job You Do Does Two." Because when you complete a task, you’re also taking care of the invisible task of reminding yourself to do them.

The idea behind “Every Job You Do Does Two” is that when you finish a task, you’ve achieved two things: the action itself and the mental reminder to do it. When I first started using this motto I was a serious procrastinator. I would think about doing something, plan it in my head, even write it down on a list—and then find myself delaying and putting things off. I was lugging around the irritant of having to remember everything I hadn’t done yet. I wanted to unload that weight. This simple slogan prompted me to do the task now because it was two for one.

Let’s look at how this can play out in a busy holiday season. Say you’ve got family coming over and you need to clean the guest room. You mentally remind yourself: “I need to vacuum, change the sheets, and put out fresh towels.” Then you remind yourself again the next day. And maybe even again two days later! All that reminding can become a kind of background noise, creating extra tension and self-judgement in your mind.

But if you just do it, not only have you cleaned the room, but you’ve also removed the mental chatter of “don’t forget to clean the room.”

Or consider the holiday grocery shopping. You’ve been running through lists: the main meal, sides, desserts, drinks. Even thinking about it can start to feel exhausting. Instead, take it one item at a time. “Every Job You Do Does Two” becomes a little mental high-five for every task you complete, knowing you’ve lightened both your load and your mind.

At Reflective Mediation, we believe that small shifts in mindset can make a big difference to wellbeing. So, as you move through the holiday season, remember, you don’t have to do everything at once—just one thing at a time. And go easy on yourself. Don’t let holiday stress steal your peace. Instead, let “Every Job Does Two” be a friendly reminder to keep the season calm, productive, and joyful.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

"Focus on the Blue Sky" – A Simple Guide to Conflict Resolution

November 27, 2024 Mike MacConnell

There’s a common saying in conflict resolution that goes, “Focus on the solution, not the problem.” When it comes to personal relationships, the goal – the solution -- is connection. Focusing on that “blue sky” can turn difficult conversations into collaborative exchanges.

When conflict arises, it’s easy to get pulled into the mindset of blaming or “getting even.” It’s an understandable impulse, but it rarely helps us achieve what actually matters.

As a family mediator this comes up often in conversations about separation and divorce, and my job. is to reframe the blame game. The skilful question couples need to be asking is not “whose fault is this?”, rather “how can we raise healthy children from two separate households?

The strategy, in essence, is to reach agreement on the steps you want to take to get where you want to go. In the case of divorce, those steps get recorded as the terms of a legally binding agreement. In most day-to-day situations, the outcome is more likely to be a less formal, oral agreement along the lines of “from now on, when I feel hurt by something I’ve heard, I’m going to inquire first to be clear about what you meant, before I react.” The key is to communicate where we want to go, and reach agreement the positive behaviours we think will get us there,

This approach allows for the possibility of changing old patterns and growing together rather than drifting apart.

So, the next time you’re in a tricky conversation, take a breath and ask yourself: What am I aiming for here? And what can I do now to move in that direction? A focus on the blue sky may just be your best bet on finding an effective way forward.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Don’t Fear the Narcissist When Mediating Your Divorce How Mediation Beats the Sociopath at Their Own Game

September 25, 2024 Mike MacConnell

Navigating a separation or divorce can be a daunting journey, particularly when you believe that your spouse exhibits traits of a “sociopathic narcissist.” The idea of engaging in mediation might seem counterintuitive, especially if you worry that your spouse’s personality could undermine the process. There are compelling reasons to embrace mediation despite these concerns, as I have observed many times in my practice.

Clients who display narcissistic or sociopathic traits often perform surprisingly well in my experience, because they are highly motivated by appearances and validation. They may be charming and agreeable, making them more cooperative during our sessions. This desire to look good actually works to your advantage. Narcissists and sociopaths are prone to making grand promises or concessions to appear accommodating. The process effectively checkmates them, since their promises become enforceable once the agreement is signed.

If you are worried that your ex presents with these traits, it’s important to understand that mediation is not about judging the character of either party. Divorce is a no-fault process focused on practical outcomes rather than personal fault. It does not delve into who was right or wrong, nor does it pass judgment on who was a better spouse or parent. Anyone’s effort to “put on the charm” can have no practical benefit since the mediator isn’t making any judgements. Nor do they make decisions, only the clients do. Mediators are trained neutrals who understand that their role is to facilitate balanced conversations that lead to a workable agreement for the future, not to pass judgement on the past. We aren’t diagnosing personal character traits. We won’t even discuss them. That’s for therapy, not for the creation of a binding agreement.

Financial disclosure is a different matter. We can’t measure personality traits, but we can and MUST measure assets so they can be equally divided. You don’t need to trust your ex’s character, but you will need to trust their disclosures. Trust-based disclosures won’t be sufficient when you suspect your partner to be a sociopath or narcissist. You are going to need accurate evidence, calculated by a financial neutral. In such situations I strongly encourage clients to hire a CDFA (Certified Divorce Financial Analyst) to construct an evidence-based profile of who owns what. The specialist determines the objective numbers, lawyers advise on your legal rights, then I step in to help yo decide how to divide it.

As a mediator, my job is to guide clients through a future oriented process focusing on what each party needs moving forward. That includes decisions regarding parenting responsibilities, financial support and division of assets. I’m not there to agree with your assessment or to refute it, rather to guide you in shifting your focus from judgement to solution.

In conclusion, while the prospect of mediation with a spouse who exhibits narcissistic or sociopathic traits may seem intimidating, it’s important to remember that mediation is designed to handle such challenges effectively. My role is to guide you and your ex toward a resolution that prioritizes future arrangements over past conflicts, an outcome you’ve agreed to rather than one imposed on you by a judge.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Don’t Fear the Narcissist When Mediating Your Divorce How Mediation Beats the Sociopath at Their Own Game

September 25, 2024 Mike MacConnell

Mediators are trained neutrals who understand that their role is to facilitate balanced conversations that lead to a workable agreement for the future, not to pass judgement on the past. We aren’t diagnose personal character traits. We won’t even discuss them. That’s for therapy, not for the creation of a binding agreement. Our time together is centered on practical issues regarding future arrangements, leaving personal assessments and psychological evaluations out of the equation.

As a mediator, my job is to guide clients through a future oriented process focusing on what each party needs moving forward. Delving into past grievances or character flaws is rarely relevant. This means that any concerns you have about your spouse’s personality or behavior won’t influence the mediator. I’m not there to agree with your assessment or to refute it, rather to change the topic, guiding you both to shift your focus from judgement to solutions.

In conclusion, while the prospect of mediation with a spouse who exhibits narcissistic or sociopathic traits may seem intimidating, it’s important to remember that mediation’s structure and focus are designed to handle such challenges effectively. My role as mediator is to guide you and your ex toward a resolution that prioritizes future arrangements over past conflicts. Embracing mediation could ultimately lead to a more structured and enforceable outcome, allowing you to move forward with greater clarity and peace of mind.

From Disputes to Dialogue How Nonviolent Communication (NVC) Transforms Conflict into Connection

August 28, 2024 Mike MacConnell

In a world where conflicts seem to escalate more rapidly than resolutions, Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication (NVC) stands out as a beacon of hope and clarity. NVC has provided the core principles and practice I employ in my family facilitation work at Reflective Mediation.

Rosenberg, a pioneering psychologist, developed NVC as a revolutionary approach to communication that has profoundly impacted both personal relationships and professional mediation. His contributions are deserving of greater recognition for their role in reducing human conflict and enhancing our understanding of effective communication.

At its core, Nonviolent Communication is about fostering empathy and compassion in our interactions. Rosenberg’s framework, outlined in his seminal book Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, revolves around four key components: Observations, Feelings, Needs, and Requests (OFNR). This simple yet profound structure guides individuals in expressing themselves honestly and listening with empathy.

Observations involve stating facts without adding judgment or interpretation. For example, rather than saying, “You never listen to me,” NVC encourages a more objective observation: “When you don’t look at me while I’m speaking, I feel ignored.” This separation of observation from evaluation is crucial because it prevents defensive reactions and fosters clearer, more constructive conversations.

Feelings are the emotional responses we experience in relation to our observations. NVC emphasizes identifying and articulating these feelings without blame. For instance, instead of saying, “I’m upset because you’re always late,” a more NVC-aligned approach would be, “I feel frustrated when you arrive late because I need reliability.”

Needs are the underlying values and desires that drive our feelings. By connecting our feelings to unmet needs, we can communicate more effectively and find mutually satisfying solutions. Rosenberg’s method encourages us to explore what needs are behind our emotions, rather than attributing them to others' actions.

Requests are specific actions that could help meet our needs. In NVC, requests are framed positively and concretely to increase the likelihood of a positive response. For example, rather than demanding, “You must be on time,” a request might be, “Could you please make an effort to arrive on time so I feel valued?”

Rosenberg’s approach also highlights the importance of empathy, both in expressing and receiving communication. Empathic listening involves fully understanding another’s feelings and needs without judgment or interruption. This empathetic connection not only diffuses conflicts but also builds deeper, more meaningful relationships.

The impact of NVC extends beyond personal interactions to professional settings, including conflict resolution and mediation. By focusing on understanding and addressing the underlying needs of all parties involved, NVC provides a framework for resolving disputes constructively and compassionately.

Marshall Rosenberg’s work deserves recognition as one of the most significant contributions to modern psychology and communication. His approach has transformed how people engage in dialogue, offering tools that enhance human connection and reduce conflict. The principles of NVC are applicable in diverse contexts—from intimate relationships to organizational environments—and they offer a path toward a more empathetic and harmonious world.

In summary, Nonviolent Communication is not just a method; it’s a movement that fosters authentic connections through empathy and understanding. Rosenberg’s legacy lives on through the countless individuals and organizations that have embraced NVC to build more compassionate and effective communication practices. By integrating NVC into our lives, we not only enhance our interactions but also contribute to a broader culture of respect and collaboration.

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Behind Closed Doors: The Confidentiality Advantage of Family Mediation

July 31, 2024 Mike MacConnell

When it comes to navigating the often turbulent waters of divorce, many couples are increasingly turning to private family mediation as a beacon of hope. Unlike courtroom battles where every detail is etched into the public record, mediation offers a haven of privacy and confidentiality that can make a world of difference during such a sensitive time.

Imagine this scenario: Sarah and John have decided to part ways after fifteen years of marriage. Amidst the emotional strain and logistical challenges, they are faced with the daunting task of dividing assets and determining custody of their two children. In their search for a resolution that minimizes conflict and preserves their dignity, they opt for family mediation.

In a private mediation session, Sarah and John, guided by a trained mediator, can openly discuss their concerns and preferences without fear of public exposure. They can delve into intimate details about their children’s needs, financial disclosures, and personal grievances in a safe and confidential environment. This level of confidentiality allows them to explore creative solutions that are tailored to their unique family dynamics without the pressure of a public courtroom.

Contrast this with a court proceeding where every argument, accusation, and financial detail becomes a matter of permanent public record. Sarah and John might find themselves embroiled in a legal spectacle where their private lives are scrutinized by lawyers, judges, and potentially the media. This exposure not only heightens stress but can also strain already fragile relationships, making it harder to co-parent effectively in the future.

Moreover, the permanence of court records means that personal and financial disclosures made during the proceedings could potentially be accessed by anyone in the future. This lack of confidentiality can have long-term implications for both individuals, affecting everything from future job prospects to personal relationships.

Privacy and confidentiality are not mere luxuries in such situations; they are essential pillars upon which effective mediation thrives. By safeguarding sensitive information, mediation empowers couples like Sarah and John to maintain control over their own narrative and make decisions that prioritize their family’s well-being. It fosters an atmosphere of trust and cooperation, paving the way for mutual understanding and sustainable agreements.

Beyond the immediate benefits, the confidential nature of mediation encourages open communication and compromise. Couples are more likely to engage in honest dialogue and explore creative solutions that might not be feasible in a courtroom setting dominated by adversarial tactics.

In essence, the choice between family mediation and court proceedings is not just about legal outcomes but also about preserving dignity, minimizing emotional turmoil, and safeguarding future relationships. It’s about recognizing that while divorce signifies an end to a marital union, it doesn’t have to signal the demise of mutual respect and confidentiality, nor when children are involved does it terminate the fact that you are a family.

As society evolves, so too should our approach to resolving personal disputes. Family mediation represents a progressive step towards a more humane and compassionate legal system—one that acknowledges the value of privacy in an increasingly interconnected world.

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Mediation Works, Even When You Hate Each Other (The Best Revenge is Saying Goodbye)

March 27, 2024 Mike MacConnell

Are you dreading the drama that comes with divorce? Well, there’s an alternative to airing all your dirty laundry in court or pursuing an equally costly lawyer-led process. It’s called family mediation.

When you're going through a separation or divorce, the last thing you need is to spend your money and your days locked in a bitter feud with your ex. But all too often, that's exactly what happens. You're grieving, hurt, and likely furious at each other. It's understandable; after all, emotions run high during breakups.

But here's the thing, you still have something in common, your desire to save money and protect your children. Dislike doesn’t have to mean duking it out in court. Family mediation offers a non-adversarial process, a breath of fresh air that’s particularly helpful when things feel toxic. A mediator can help facilitate agreement on parenting and financial matters, even when parties are miles apart.

You're likely thinking. "But we hate each other! How on earth are we supposed to come to an agreement?" Well, here’s a surprising secret: hate isn't a deal breaker. Not even close.

Only good faith really matters.

Good faith means you're willing to put aside your animosity to work towards a solution. It means being honest about your finances, keeping the personal attacks at bay, and focusing on finding a resolution that works for you both, and your children.

You don't have to be friendly to make it work. In fact, with the guidance of an experienced mediator, couples who can't stand each other, can come to a successful solution in part because they’re super motivated to make a deal that earn s them their freedom faster.

Take Sarah and Paul, for example. They were locked in a bitter battle over their parenting schedule. She couldn't stand Paul after his infidelity, and he was furious that she frequently criticized him in public. Once they realized their kids were getting caught in the crossfire, they knew something had to change.

They decided to give mediation a shot. With the help of a skilled mediator, they worked around their differences to focus on their children. They came up with a custody arrangement that allowed both to spend quality time parenting, thereby bypassing the courtroom battle and getting the freedom they needed on their own terms, not those of a judge.

Now, don't get me wrong. It isn't easy. It takes restraint and a whole lot of patience, plus the willingness to accept a deal you can live with despite not getting everything you want.

But ask yourself this: what do you want more, the freedom that comes from a signed agreement, or the years-long drama of trying to get even with your ex? If you're ready to put the past behind you and move forward with your life, then mediation might just offer the answer you're looking for.

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What Can and Can’t Be Mediated Agree on Behaviours; Accept the Differences in Feelings and Values

February 28, 2024 Mike MacConnell

Mediation brings the glimmer of hope you seek in separation and divorce. It is cost-effective and empowering. It promises a collaborative approach to reaching settlement agreements, with a particular focus on financial and parenting arrangements. Yet, as you consider engaging in this process, it's vital to be fully informed about the limits of what can and can not be mediated.

Financial and parenting discussions thrive in the structured environment of mediation, offering a pathway for couples to actively shape their post-divorce lives. Co-parenting schedules and financial equalization become the tangible pillars around which negotiation revolves.

However, within this structured landscape, there exists a realm that mediation cannot address – the realm of personal values, religious or political beliefs, and the intricate fabric of psychological states and emotions. These human features, deeply entrenched in subjectivity, resist the neat resolution that mediation aims to provide.

Consider the intricacies of personal beliefs – the values and convictions that shape our worldview. Family mediation can’t reconcile differences in deeply rooted convictions, such as whether you should appreciate one another or share similar parenting styles. Mediating subjective matters such as those is not our goal. Mediators help clients to accept these personal differences without judgment, recognizing that each of us has a right to our private emotions and beliefs.

For example, in negotiating finances, if one party cares more about an immediate nest egg and the other is more concerned about security in old age, those differences need to be named and accepted, not debated. In a case such as that, assets could be divided by transferring RRSPs and pensions to one party, while shifting liquid assets to the other. Mediation isn’t asking you to change who you are or what matters to you, rather to make arrangements that satisfy as many of each person’s needs as possible.

As a mediator, I help parties establish guidelines around future communication and cooperation that are unique to their situation. By agreeing on specific, observable behaviours, you can find ways to get along despite differences. For example, if one parent is focused on academic achievement and the other cares more about ensuring creative play for the children, they don’t need to dispute which view is superior. The task is to work out a parenting arrangement that provides a balance of both, expressed in terms you can both live with.

Thus, as you navigate the complexities of divorce through family mediation, be aware of the limits and strengths of the process. Recognize that personal beliefs and values can’t be mediated, and seize instead on the opportunity to construct clear agreements on ways to behave that respect your differences. In doing so, you pave the way for a more collaborative coparenting relationship. Because no matter how many things you may continue to disagree about, one thing you will always share is the love of your children. And that’s the motivation that matters most.

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Truth Telling in Divorce Mediation Why Your Ex’s Lying Isn’t the Problem You Think It Is

January 31, 2024 Mike MacConnell

When mediating a separation or divorce, I frequently encounter clients who express skepticism about the effectiveness of mediation due to concerns about dishonesty by their partner. Commonly, individuals worry that their soon-to-be ex-spouse is prone to deception. While these are legitimate fears, it is crucial to understand that the mediation process is not a courtroom drama centered on past grievances. It doesn’t reward or punish based on past behaviour. Instead, it is a forward-focused endeavor, aiming to construct a roadmap for the future.

Mediation, unlike litigation, is not about seeking evidence to build a case, except around financial disclosures. Separation is officially a No Fault procedure. It avoids the pitfalls of determining who was a better parent, spouse or person. The central document produced during mediation, the Separation Agreement or Memorandum of Understanding, is not a narrative of the past but a blueprint for the future. Family law is designed to ensure that, except in extreme situations, each party has equal entitlement to time with their children and equal access to financial assets, steering clear of the blame game.

Liars often strive to present themselves in the best light, making promises they may not intend to keep. Such false promises can backfire tremendously, since the Separation Agreement is a legally binding document, and any deviation from its terms can lead to severe consequences for the party attempting to deceive. For example, imagine a case when one party claims a desire for shared parenting time to reduce their child support obligation, but they have no intention to follow through. If the honest parent keeps track of the times they were asked to fill in for the other parent and can show they have been parenting for more than 60% of the time, they can report the situation to the Family Responsibility Office (FRO), a government body that has authority to order retroactive child support payments, and even to garnishee the wages of the parent who hasn’t followed through on their obligation.

The emotional toll of such false portrayals during mediation isn’t easy to take. But if you can’t trust the other party you can still trust the process. Let the liar lie, for it is they who box themselves into a corner. The Separation Agreement becomes a powerful tool, holding them accountable for their commitments. For both parties the challenge at hand is remaining emotionally untriggered. The mediator’s job, in part, is to discourage conflict around what may have happened in the marriage. It’s not therapy or a forum for judging who is right or wrong.

It is a pragmatic process aimed at fostering cooperation in reaching mutual agreement. The document your are crafting is a roadmap for the future, describing desired behaviors and commitments going forward. I encourage clients to view the Agreement they are creating as a shield against deceit, offering a path forward based on accountability to a legal contract.

Divorce mediation is a powerful tool for those navigating the challenging terrain of separation. By understanding that the process is not about rehashing or agreeing on the past but charting a course for the future, individuals can confidently engage in mediation, knowing that lies have limited power in the face of a legally binding and forward-looking Separation Agreement.

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Mediation or Arbitration for My Separation?

November 29, 2023 Mike MacConnell

Mediation and arbitration both offer viable alternatives to traditional court battles in separation negotiations. The choice between them ultimately depends on the specific circumstances of the couple. In my first call with potential clients, I ask them to consider their willingness to cooperate, the complexity of the issues, and financial constraints to decide on the process that’s best for them.

Mediation: The Non-Adversarial Route

Mediation is often hailed as a non-adversarial approach to conflict resolution, because it enables couples to retain control over their divorce negotiations while working with a neutral third party, the mediator. The mediator does not have the authority to make binding decisions but facilitates productive discussions between the parties. This approach has its pros and cons.

Pros of Mediation:

· Control and Collaboration: Mediation empowers couples to take an active role in shaping the outcome. It encourages open communication, negotiation, and finding mutually acceptable solutions, which can be particularly beneficial when children are involved.

· Cost-Effective: Mediation typically costs far less than arbitration. It is based on hourly fees for the mediator's services, making it a more budget-friendly option for most couples.

· Faster Resolution: Mediation often leads to quicker resolutions, as couples can schedule sessions at their convenience and even meet privately between sessions to resolve some issues.

· Preservation of Relationships: Since mediation fosters cooperation rather than confrontation, it can help preserve or even improve the post-divorce relationship, especially important when co-parenting.

· Long Term Compliance: Since parties themselves arrived at the decision, they are more likely t comply with it than in cases where one party is unhappy with the arbitrator’s decision.

· Lawyer Support: Terms agreed upon in mediation, including complex financial issues, can be reviewed by lawyers, who offer advice along the way or at the end, and convert the terms into legally binding Separation Agreement.

Cons of Mediation:

· Lack of Binding Decisions: The mediator's role is limited to facilitating discussions. If either party is unwilling to cooperate or unable to make decisions, there is no certainty that an agreement will be reached.

· Power Imbalance: In cases where one party is more assertive or articulate, the mediator may struggle to balance power dynamics.

Arbitration: The Binding Out-of-Court Alternative

Arbitration offers a different approach. It is an adversarial process where each party presents their case to a neutral arbitrator who renders a final, legally binding decision. It is well-suited for situations where the parties cannot reach a consensus through negotiation or have concerns about a good-faith process.

Pros of Arbitration:

· Binding Decisions: There is certainty in advance that the arbitrator will make a decision, which provides a sense of confidence in the finality of the process.

· Duration: In cases when parties are indecisive or arguing back and forth, arbitration can arrive at a conclusion in a shorter time.

Cons of Arbitration:

· Costly: Arbitration is typically much more expensive than mediation, primarily due to the hourly rates associated with the arbitrator's services.

· Less Control: Couples have less control over the process and the final decision. The arbitrator, not the parties, has the authority to make the call.

· Adversarial Nature: The adversarial process may escalate tensions and hinder amicable post-divorce relationships, which can be particularly detrimental when children are involved.

Pros of Both, Compared with Court

· Privacy: Arbitration and mediation are both entirely private, unlike court results which are on the public record.

· Convenience: Mediation and arbitration are both more convenient when offered in private practice, since sessions can be scheduled to the convenience of all parties

· Duration: Court battles are notoriously lengthy, involving many steps in a system that is often overloaded and backlogged with cases.

Cons of Both, Compared with Court

· Cost: Both mediation and arbitration have hourly fees for the mediator or arbitrator. Those fees expand greatly if you also choose to include lawyers in the process. Self-representation in court has lower costs.

· Public Record: Some people may wish to have the details of their marriage made public, particularly in cases when abuse has taken place.

Finding the Right Approach for Your Divorce

In most cases, for couples who aim to retain decision-making control, maintain a cooperative relationship, and keep costs in check, mediation is the preferable choice. It encourages open communication, focuses on interests rather than rights, and aims to find mutually beneficial solutions. However, it is essential that both parties are rational decision-makers, willing to negotiate in good faith.

On the other hand, if one party is uncooperative or indecisive, arbitration may be a better option. It ensures that a binding decision is made, reducing the risk of an inconclusive process. Ultimately, the choice between them depends on how challenging a couple believes it will be to come to an agreement together.

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An Objective Advisor Can Offer a Shoulder to Cry On Balancing Empathy with Objectivity in Divorce Mediation

October 27, 2023 Mike MacConnell

Separation and divorce can unleash powerful emotions, including anger, anxiety, betrayal, and grief. My role as a mediator is to help couples navigate their emotions while adhering to the principles of Canadian family law. It can be a tightrope walk, where empathy and objectivity must be carefully balanced.

In my family mediation practice, I offer a safe space where clients can pour out their pain, anger, and heartache. I strive to validate their feelings and allow them to vent their emotions (mostly in private), so they can come more calmly to the negotiation table.

Yet, there's an unyielding truth that many clients find hard to accept. Divorce in Canada is a no-fault process. No matter how saintly or devilish one party may seem, emotions do not sway the scales of justice in family law. Except in extreme cases, each party has equal access to the children and the finances. It's a hard pill to swallow, and it can feel like a bitter betrayal of one's own pain, yet part of my job is to educate clients to come to terms with the fact that they may be living half of the time away from their children, or making regular payments to a person they no longer like.

Infidelity, for example, is irrelevant. The guiding star is whatever is in the best interest of the child or children, despite of their personal grievances as spouses or parents. The law is clear that the best interest of the child normally entails a strong bond with both parents and a standard of living that is relatively equal across both homes.

Sometimes it’s a hard call for us as professionals. On one hand, we risk being perceived as too soft, too immersed in the clients' emotions, bordering on practicing therapy. On the other, when emphasizing the legal parameters, we risk being seen as lacking empathy for the very real pain our clients are enduring.

We must be compassionate witnesses to the pain our clients express, while also being steadfast champions of the law's principles. We must be the calm voice that guides parties toward a respectful, level playing field where balanced negotiations can lead to greater understanding and a better future.

In the end, divorce mediation is about more than resolving disputes; it's about helping people rebuild their lives by becoming cooperative co-parents. It’s about facilitating a process that allows individuals to find closure, move forward, and learn open communication, all while recognizing the immense emotional weight they carry.

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Is Mediation Right for Your Divorce? Not Necessarily. Watch For These Red flags

September 27, 2023 Mike MacConnell

As a family mediator, I am strong proponent of a facilitated, out-of-court process, but I always advise clients before we start that mediation is not the right choice for everyone. When couples decide to part ways, mediation can help them do so amicably, without resorting to a costly adversarial process, especially when children are involved. At its best, couples CAN reach a settlement while maintaining and even repairing how they communicate. But sometimes mediation may need to be postponed, adjusted, or terminated. It’s important to recognize whether the process is right for you. Watch out for these red flags.

Cases when mediation can be undertaken with accommodations

The Raw Emotions: Sometimes emotions are too overwhelming for successful mediation. If you or your spouse find it challenging to communicate calmly and rationally, it might still be the right process, just not the right time. Consider seeking individual therapy or counseling before attempting mediation, or just put the process on hold until emotions have settled.

Complex Legal or Financial Issues: If your situation is particularly complex, involving extensive assets, investments, or business interests, court can still be avoided by bringing in financial and/or legal professionals to offer advice during the mediation process.

Custody Battles: When child custody and visitation rights are contested, your mediator can undertake a VOC (voice of child) interviewing process or involve a psychologist, or parenting coordinator to reach resolution.

Cases when mediation may not be appropriate

Mental Health and Addiction Issues: Mediation requires clients to make rational decisions. It can be difficult to draw the line and say when mental health or substance abuse problems disqualify a person from making those decisions. When capacity is lacking or in doubt, mediation should be delayed until treatment has been received, or switched to court or arbitration so that decision-making is in the hands of a professional.

Hostility: Mediation only works when both parties come to the table with the intention of respectfully reaching a balanced agreement. If you or your spouse is repeatedly hostile, disrespectful, or refusing to listen, either in or outside sessions, then mediation should be discontinued. In my experience, hostile behaviour usually improves when it is not tolerated, and mediation can then resume.

Lack of Good Faith: Successful mediation requires compromise and a willingness to find common ground. If either party refuses to budge or make concessions along the way, you will need to explore other dispute resolution mechanisms such as arbitration or litigation in which decision-making authority is given over to a professional.

Hidden Assets: If a party is being dishonest about financial disclosures, mediation cannot proceed. An evidence-based, forensic process can uncover the truth and ensure a fair distribution. These unfortunate situations entail a much more drawn out and expensive process.

Safety Concerns: If there's a history of domestic violence or abuse, mediation may not be safe. Safety and well-being should always come first. If you are in fear, consult with police and consider seeking a protective order. In cases of coercive control, a form of abuse in which there is often no physical violence, the police will typically not get involved. The controlled person should see a social worker for psychological support and to protect children, including advocating for slowing down implementation of shared parenting arrangements. Kyra's Law, newly introduced by the Canadian parliament, requires lawyers, mediators and judges to make a concerted effort to protect children in shared custody arrangements with an abusive or potentially abusive parent.

In summary, family mediation can be an excellent tool for couples who are willing and able to seek an amicable divorce, but in some cases, it would require accommodations, or perhaps not be the right choice for you. Keep in mind that every divorce is unique, and the most suitable approach needs to align with your situation and needs.

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Stop Focusing on What’s Wrong; Start Looking at What's Right How to Get Along Better? Uncover the Positive Needs

August 31, 2023 Mike MacConnell

Conflict is a natural part of human interaction, but the way we handle it often determines whether it escalates into a destructive cycle or becomes an opportunity for growth. In many conflicts, individuals tend to focus on the negative aspects of the other person's behavior, often leading to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and further animosity. What if there was a different way to approach conflict resolution—one that seeks to understand the positive motivations behind dysfunctional behavior? In this article, we'll explore the idea of looking for positive, health-seeking motives behind conflicts and how it can pave the way for more effective and harmonious resolutions.

It's a common tendency to become experts in pinpointing each other's flaws and shortcomings during conflict. When we disapprove of someone’s dysfunctional or harmful behaviour, our natural reaction is to assume negative intentions behind those actions. However, by shifting our perspective, we can begin to unravel deeper motives that drive these actions.

Consider a situation where a teenager rebels and becomes disrespectful towards adults. This triggers reactions that are normally confrontational. The adult gets upset, assuming conflict and disrespect to have been the motive. Let’s take a step back and consider the healthy intentions behind it.

Rather than jumping to conclusions about malicious intent, it's worth delving deeper into the reasons behind someone's actions. Although the behavior created conflict, the underlying drive is more likely a desire for autonomy. The teenager's actions may be stemming from a healthy need to assert independence and establish their identity.

By recognizing the positive motivation of seeking autonomy, we can now shift the conversation from judgement to curiosity. Instead of simply reprimanding the teenager, a more constructive approach would involve inviting the youth to explore their motives, acknowledging their need for autonomy, while also establishing boundaries that respect both parties' perspectives.

Identifying positive motivations doesn't mean condoning disruptive behavior. Rather, this approach opens the door to collaborating to find common ground, set boundaries and work toward solutions that address everyone's needs. A difficult conversation now becomes an opportunity for you to point out that just as they have a legitimate need for autonomy (or novelty, or excitement or whatever) you also have legitimate needs that deserves equal respect, perhaps in your case for connection, (or order or peace). When two conflicting parties understand and validate each other's underlying motivations, they can reframe the conversation and work as equals toward a resolution. This not only satisfies more of each person’s needs, it also shifts the relationship toward greater reciprocity.

Romantic couples I work with are often at odds due to differences in communication styles. Instead of casting blame and assuming negative intentions, they can engage in a conversation that explores the health-seeking intentions behind each communication preference. One person finds silence calming, yet may be viewed by their partner as uncaring, while the other’s desire for connection might be interpreted as intrusive and controlling. But the healthier needs for peacefulness and connection are both legitimate. Once this is recognized, they can shift from the unhappy impact to the health-seeking needs and begin working together to find strategies to meet the deeper needs in new ways

When you make an effort to uncover the positive intentions hidden behind unwanted behaviours , you’re on the way to building empathy, bridging gaps, and creating solutions that benefit everyone involved. You’re on a journey that builds stronger relationships along the way.

All because you noticed the positive need that motivated the hurtful behaviour.

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Divorce Out of Court: It May Take More Than a Mediator

July 26, 2023 Mike MacConnell

Divorce is never a walk in the park. It’s a complex emotional journey that requires careful navigation. This is just as true if you are committed to resolving it out of court. Divorcing couples often utilize a wide range of professionals to ensure a rock-solid, legally valid, and bullet-proof agreement. This blog explores some of the experts you might want to consider on your divorce team.

A Mediator: Mediation can be essential to avoiding courtroom battles. As a neutral facilitator, they help you and your spouse reach agreements on various issues, including child custody, visitation schedules, and property division. They can offer strategic guidance and support throughout the process assisting as you navigate the emotional challenges, manage stress. With their assistance, you can maintain control over the decision-making process and work towards a mutually beneficial resolution.

A Family Lawyer isn’t necessary, contrary to popular belief. You can waive that option, but it isn’t recommended unless trust is very high and issues are very few. The mediator can provide legal information but can’t offer legal advice about your rights and obligations. For advice along the way, and a review of the Separation Agreement at the end, it’s smart to hire an experienced lawyer.

A Divorce Financial Expert can provide invaluable guidance in untangling the complex web of assets, liabilities and support obligations. They can help you understand the long-term financial implications of different settlement options and ensure that the lawyers are basing their advice on a fair division of property.

A Child Specialist can help assess and minimize the impact of the divorce on your children and provide recommendations for parenting schedules that prioritize their best interests. Their expertise can guide you in creating a parenting plan that promotes the healthiest possible environment for your children.

A Real Estate Appraiser is crucial for obtaining an accurate valuation if one party is buying out the other’s share of your home or other properties, thereby ensuring that the division of assets is based on fair and up-to-date valuations.

A Tax Specialist can help you understand the tax consequences of different settlement options, guide you in maximizing tax benefits, and ensure compliance with tax laws during property division and other financial matters.

A Pension Expert can provide guidance on the valuation and division of pensions. They analyze pension benefits, calculate present values, and assist in creating a fair and equitable distribution plan, considering factors such as retirement ages and survivor benefits.

A Business Valuator can determine its true value if you or your spouse own a business. They assess the financial health, assets, liabilities, and earning potential of the business to ensure an accurate representation for equitable division.

An Estate Planner revisits your estate planning documents, such as wills, trusts, and powers of attorney. Consulting with an estate planner can help you navigate the necessary updates to ensure your wishes are properly reflected, and your assets are protected for the future.

While mediation is an essential part of most out-of-court separation agreements, it’s essential to recognize the value of other professionals. Specialists provide knowledge and guidance to protect your interests and help you secure a balanced, bullet-proof agreement. Remember, every divorce is unique, and the need for additional professionals will vary depending on the complexity of your financial and family situation. Investing in professionals can provide the support necessary to navigate divorce successfully and save you money in the long run.

With the right team by your side, you can confidently move forward, knowing that you have the best agreement possible.

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Coaching Within Mediation: A Key to Improving Outcomes

June 28, 2023 Mike MacConnell

Mediation is a powerful tool for resolving conflicts and finding mutually beneficial solutions. As a family mediator, I have noticed that incorporating coaching into the mediation process, between sessions, and occasionally within a session, can enhance its effectiveness and help achieve a faster, more positive result.

Private coaching by the mediator isn’t traditionally offered because it risks the mediator/coach being perceived as aligning with one client over the other. I solve that by informing the non-coaching client about it in advance, and asking them to approve or veto the coaching opportunity. In every case I’ve ever had, the non-coaching client gladly agrees. They want the other party to negotiate more effectively.

Let’s explore some reasons why coaching can facilitate the mediation process:

1. Emotional Regulation: Strong emotions often hinder mediation. Perhaps a client is nervous, hesitant and barely participating. Or overly expressive and aggressive. By engaging in coaching between mediation sessions, individuals can explore the impact of their own approach in a safe space. Coaching equips participants with valuable emotional regulation techniques, helping those who are shy to speak up, for example, or those who are overly assertive to calm down, whatever will lead to a better outcome.

2. Communication Skills: One of the primary challenges in mediation is communication breakdown. Misunderstandings, misinterpretations, and ineffective communication can escalate conflicts and prolong the resolution process. With coaching, participants can improve their communication skillsoutside the formal mediation setting. They can learn active listening techniques, develop empathy, and gain a deeper understanding of their own communication styles and patterns. The quiet person can work at being heard and the expressive one to offer more space to the other.

3. Self-Reflection and Clarity: Coaching encourages self-reflection and self- awareness. By reflecting on their own values, needs, and expectations, individuals gain clarity about what they want and can express it more effectively. Coaching helps people identify their priorities, consider alternative perspectives, and explore creative solutions. This increased self-awareness allows individuals to approach mediation with a more focused and constructive mindset.

4. Goal Setting and Action Planning: Coaching sessions offer a structured environment for participants to set clear goals and develop strategies to meet them. Individuals can work collaboratively with their coach to identify actionable steps towards their objectives. By defining clear goals, participants gain a sense of direction and purpose.

5. Strengthening Relationships and Building Trust: With coaching, participants develop a deeper understanding of their own needs, as well as those of the other parties involved. This enhances open listening, which builds empathy and translates into more respectful communication. By promoting respectful interaction, coaching fosters an atmosphere of cooperation which can expedite a resolution.

Integrating coaching into the mediation process can be a game-changer. By providing coaching between mediation sessions on an as-needed basis, I offer participants a way to improve their mediation skills, resulting in faster, more successful outcomes. Building coaching into the process empowers individuals to navigate conflicts effectively and create more sustainable agreements.

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How to Know if Mediation is Right for Your Divorce: The Goldilocks Solution

November 24, 2020 Mike MacConnell

COVID-19 restrictions have brought Jill and Ron’s marriage to the brink. They’ve agreed to divorce but not to much else. Ron thinks they should hire lawyers to work it out in court and suck up the costs. Jill doesn’t want to spend all that money and time or hand over decision-making power to a judge. To her it’s a no-brainer to hire a mediator to help work things out between them more amicably, quickly and inexpensively.

Is mediation the right solution? It often is, for a number of reasons:

1. You meet on your own time, at your own convenience, not when the court dictates. It can take a few weeks or months - not a few years as court often does.

2. You construct your own agreement including terms that make sense to you. The mediator facilitates the conversation but can’t impose any decision.

3. Costs are lower for two reasons: first, you split the mediator’s fees, rather than each paying the higher hourly fee of a lawyer; second, it almost always requires fewer hours.

4. Co-parenting is easier after facilitated problem-solving sessions. There is a chance of improving ongoing communications, which is a big win for your children.

5. Privacy is a guarantee in mediation, unlike court proceedings which are open to public scrutiny.

Mediation is preferred by more and more couples these days, and is successful 85% of the time. That missing 15% shows that it’s not always the best process for everyone. It is “The Goldilocks Solution” for parties who get along “just right”. Exceptions occur when conflict is too low or too high.

Too Low:

If Ron and Jill can amicably work out an agreement at the kitchen table, why hire a neutral third party? They can save the cash. They will only need lawyers at the end, to provide legal advice and prepare a Separation Agreement.

Too High:

If conflict escalates, Jill and Ron won’t negotiate well. This is a judgement call, unique to each case, but generally mediation is NOT recommended when any of the following questions is answered with “yes”:

· does a history of abuse in the relationship prevent one party from negotiating on his or her own behalf?

· does substance abuse or a mental health problem prevent Ron or Jill from rational problem solving?

· is emotional turmoil at a peak, preventing one or both from listening?

· is one party unwilling or unable to negotiate in good faith?

These situations give cause to pause, although they don’t necessarily preclude mediation. Sometimes it’s best to delay until parties calm down. Perhaps the couple can wait until medical or therapeutic support has been provided.

Mediators are also trained to offer accommodations such as inviting a lawyer or support person into sessions. Shuttle mediation can also be used to keep parties in separate rooms.

Most separating couples are in the Goldilocks middle range, with conflict neither too high or too low, but just right.

To learn more about Divorce Mediation: ReflectiveMediation.ca

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Tips to Build Resilience in Troubled Times

June 24, 2020 Mike MacConnell

The COVID-19 pandemic has placed enormous stress on people around the world, those who’ve lost jobs, lost businesses, lost loved ones, or who are trying to work full time from tiny apartments while caring for children who can’t attend school or day care. We are all trying to support each other. But why will some of us have resilience and come out of this period relatively unscathed, while others are at risk of ongoing depression and anxiety? Can adults improve their ability to bounce back?

Resilience, it turns out, is a learnable skill. You can take steps to build it.

If you are juggling working from home with trying to home-school children, the frantic pace of the day may be wearing you down. Practicing Mindfulness for just ten or fifteen minutes a day can help you focus and relax.

Mindfulness, defined by John Kabat-Zinn as “the awareness that arises from paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment and non-judgmentally” has proven results. His Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction program is an evidence-based approach using breath and body awareness as a way of calming the nervous system, thereby increasing resilience.

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Diane L. Coutu, senior editor of the Harvard Business Review (2002) argues that resilient people possess a number of learnable skills. One key is to Cultivate Acceptance. Rather than resenting circumstances beyond your control, direct attention to what you can control: your responses. Stuck inside with your spouse and the kids? Get together in the kitchen taking turns learning how to make one another’s favourite recipes.

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Coutu’s second suggestion refers to Victor Frankl, the Auschwitz survivor who credits his survival to his ability to Make Meaning out of suffering. Frankl found meaning in the people and the work he loved. No doubt your situation also is laden with opportunity to make meaning. By creating goals for yourself, for your family, for those you love or a cause you believe in, you can rise above the moment to view it from a higher perspective.

When disaster hits, Improvise, be inventive. Pivot. Challenge yourself to adapt by moving in new and unexpected directions. Coutu recommends you make the most of what you have, putting resources to unfamiliar uses and imagining possibilities you previously didn’t see. You can’t go to concerts, but maybe you can find new artists online, or challenge yourself to learn a favourite song.

Social isolation doesn’t have to be psychological isolation. It’s crucial to Stay Connected to assure you and your family emerge more bonded and functional than ever. Get curious about what’s really going on with them. Initiate honest conversations. Pick up the telephone. Teach yourself to host free video-conferences with extended family and friends.

Stressful times can put cracks in your relationships. The persistent effort to heal those rifts may be the greatest gift of a resilient disposition. Maybe you’ll find, as Leonard Cohen says, that “the cracks are where the light gets in.”

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