Technology and Ethics in Family Mediation: Are We Truly Serving Our Clients?

May 28, 2025 Mike MacConnell

Hey fellow mediators,

I've been thinking a lot lately about our shared commitment to ethical practice. We all entered this field with noble intentions—helping clients navigate conflicts respectfully and find win-win solutions that avoid the adversarial nature of litigation. But I want to have an honest conversation about whether we're fully living up to our ethical obligations when it comes to embracing technology.

Pre-COVID, a typical separation agreement might take around 20 hours to complete. Today, with thoughtful application of technology, that same agreement can be finalized in 10-12 hours. That's potentially thousands of dollars in savings for our clients during what's often a financially stressful time in their lives.

Yet many of us haven't incorporated these time-saving technologies into our practice. Let me share three specific tools that have transformed my mediation work—tools rarely covered in mediation training programs:

First, shared document platforms like Google Docs have been game-changers. By sending clients a boilerplate separation agreement template with commenter privileges, they can review documents between sessions on their own time. They see each other's comments and questions, preparing them for more productive sessions. This eliminates hours previously spent walking through standard clauses together.

Second, video conferencing with screen sharing (I prefer Zoom) allows clients to participate from wherever they're comfortable while we collaboratively edit documents in real-time. Remember the old workflow? Take handwritten notes during in-person meetings, then bill clients while you transcribe and format those notes into formal documents that would need additional review later. Screen sharing eliminates this redundancy completely.

Third, AI recording and transcription tools (with client consent, of course) provide not just a record of what was discussed but can generate session summaries and action items. Clients almost always appreciate this service, which replaces the billable hours we used to spend drafting and sending "Progress Notes" after each meeting.

So why aren't these practices standard across our profession? Sometimes it's comfort with familiar methods or lack of technical confidence. But if we're truly committed to ethical practice, we need to recognize that unnecessary billable hours create an accessibility barrier to our services.

The question becomes uncomfortable but important: Is it ethical to maintain traditional practices that increase client costs when more efficient alternatives exist? If our primary commitment is to client welfare rather than billable hours, shouldn't we be obligated to adopt technologies that make our services more affordable?

I believe embracing these tools represents a higher standard of ethical practice—one that prioritizes client outcomes and financial well-being over professional convenience or profit maximization. It's about aligning our technological practices with the values that brought us to mediation in the first place.

I'd love to hear how others are navigating this intersection of technology and ethics in their practice. What tools have you found that genuinely benefit clients? What hesitations do you still have? Let's challenge each other to ensure our commitment to ethical practice extends to how we use—or don't use—the technological tools available to us.

What do you think? Are we living up to our ethical obligations if we're not helping clients save money through these accessible technologies?

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Cultivating Aimlessness: Peace within the Chaos of Separation and Divorce

April 30, 2025 Mike MacConnell

In the high-stakes world of separation and divorce mediation, I watch people navigate one of life's most challenging transitions with checklists, deadlines, and urgent decisions at every turn. I've noticed something crucial, both personally and professionally: amid all this purposeful activity, we've forgotten the value of purposeless time.

Cultivating aimlessness isn't about procrastinating or being lazy. Rather it's deliberately stepping away, however briefly, from goals and deadlines and allowing your mind to wander freely. It's a radical act in our efficiency-obsessed culture, and paradoxically, it may be exactly what we need to make better decisions.

Consider Maria, who came to mediation after her 18-year marriage ended. Every session, she arrived with color-coded folders and a running list of concerns. Her preparation was admirable, but her anxiety was palpable. The constant focus on problems had triggered her brain's threat response. She was in overdrive, making clear thinking difficult and decision-making nearly impossible.

One day, Maria mentioned she'd gotten lost on her way to my office and ended up walking through a park she'd never visited before. "For fifteen minutes, I forgot about the divorce," she said, surprised at how refreshed she felt afterward. That accidental break became her saving grace. We built "purposeless time" into her weekly schedule – no divorce research, no planning, just a few minutes of simply being. She became lighter, more flexible better able to collaborate on a parenting schedule that blended her interests with the interests of her ex.

Or take Jonathan, in a separate case, who approached his divorce like a military campaign. His hypervigilance left him exhausted and combative. During one particularly tense session, I suggested we pause and simply look out the window at the changing autumn leaves for a few minutes. His resistance was strong: "I don't have time for this." Yet after some minutes of aimless reflection, his face softened and he became more open about hearing her point of view. The conversation that followed was the first time they made progress on the difficult topic of spousal support.

The couples who navigate separation most successfully aren't necessarily those with the best lawyers or financial planners. They're often those who maintain their capacity for joy and sense of humour despite the chaos. They remember to call a friend just to talk about nothing important. They allow themselves to get absorbed in a hobby without justifying it as "self-care." They give themselves permission to wander.

Practicing purposelessness doesn't mean abandoning responsibility. Rather, it creates space around our responsibilities, preventing them from consuming us entirely. It's like the white space on a page that makes the text readable. Without it, everything blurs together.

In my twelve years of mediation work, I've learned that the most practical advice I can offer separating couples isn't always about asset division or co-parenting schedules. Sometimes it's

simply: Go for a walk without your phone. Sit in a café and people-watch. Lie in the grass and look at clouds. Get down on the floor and play with your kids.

These aimless moments aren't an indulgence – they're a necessity. They restore our fundamental humanity, a childlike sense of spaciousness in times when our identity feels constricted and life gets reduced to a problem that needs solving. And in doing so, those unscheduled moments often help us solve those problems with greater wisdom and grace.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Divorce Doesn’t have to be a Zero-Sum Game: The Case for Collaborative Ethics in Divorce

March 26, 2025 Mike MacConnell

When couples enter divorce mediation, they often arrive with a defensive posture. Each person, understandably anxious about their future, believes they must fight for every dollar, every minute of parenting time, and every household item. This mindset reflects what I call "Competitive ethics" – the belief that my gain must come at your expense, and that my only ethical obligation is to maximize my self-interest.

But after years of mediating divorces, I've observed something remarkable: those who approach separation with this zero-sum mentality typically end up worse off than those who are collaborative.

I advise them: take a pause. Let’s reflect. Recognize that EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED. You need to accept that you’re going to have your kids less of the time. You’re going to have fewer resources. Start from that reality. Then we can work towards terms that make this work for the kids.

The False Promise of Competitive Ethics

The Competitive approach seems logical on the surface. In a divorce, resources are finite – there's only so much money, property, and time with children to go around. If I get more, you get less. Simple math, right?

Not quite. This view fails to account for the hidden costs of conflict:

A couple I worked with spent $45,000 in legal fees fighting over a retirement account worth $80,000 before they shifted to mediation. Neither "won" – the lawyers did.

Another pair spent three years in litigation over their parenting schedule, during which their son developed anxiety issues that required therapy. The "victory" of two extra overnight visits each month came at an incalculable cost to their child's wellbeing.

The Collaborative Alternative

A collaborative approach recognizes that even in divorce, your wellbeing remains connected to your former partner's wellbeing when children are involved. Consider these real-world examples:

Financial collaboration: One couple creatively restructured their assets so he could keep his business intact while she maintained housing stability for their children. Rather than forcing a business sale that would have diminished value for both of them, they found a solution where both could thrive.

Co-parenting partnership: Another couple developed a flexible parenting arrangement that accommodated both parents' work schedules and the children's activities. When emergencies arose, they covered for each other without keeping score. They set a healthy example for their children, who thrived because they prioritized cooperation over competition.

Why Collaboration Works Better

The collaborative approach works because it recognizes fundamental truths about human wellbeing:

Psychological peace holds tangible value. The stress of ongoing conflict creates health costs, work disruption, and diminished quality of life that rarely justifies the material gains.

Children need functional co-parents more than they need extra possessions. Your ability to communicate effectively with your ex-spouse directly impacts your child's adjustment to divorce.

The divorce process is just the beginning. Co-parenting continues for years or decades. The patterns you establish now will shape countless future interactions.

Practical Steps To Get There

Ask yourself: "What outcome will still feel successful five years from now?"

Consider the full ecosystem of your divorce, not just the immediate division of assets

Remember that your children's wellbeing is inextricably linked to both parents' stability

View problem-solving as a shared challenge rather than a battleground

The path of collaboration isn't always easy. It requires vulnerability, creativity, and sometimes accepting less than what you might "win" in court. But by seeking solutions that benefit all involved, you often secure the outcomes that best serve your own long-term interests.

In the end, the most ethical approach to divorce also happens to be the most practical one: building bridges rather than burning them, even as you part ways.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Finding Her Voice: Empowerment for Women Through Divorce Mediation

February 26, 2025 Mike MacConnell

Separation and divorce are often distressing and overwhelming experiences. It is counterintuitive that something so frightening can also be an opportunity for empowerment. However, as a family mediator in Ontario, working with individuals from diverse cultural backgrounds, I have witnessed firsthand how the mediation process can help individuals—especially women—step into newfound strength and autonomy.

In many cultures, women are accustomed to playing a secondary role in family decision-making, particularly when it comes to finances. Whether they are immigrants from societies where men traditionally hold authority over financial and major life decisions, or Canadian-born women who have found themselves in similarly subordinate positions, the transition into separation presents a profound shift. This is not to say that men do not experience a similar power imbalance in some cases, but I see this phenomenon most frequently with women who have been conditioned to defer to their husbands in critical matters.

Family mediation changes the rules of engagement entirely. It is a no-fault process, meaning that past roles, behaviors, and decisions do not dictate the present. Both parties enter negotiations as equals, tasked with the responsibility of shaping a separation agreement that reflects their needs and interests. This is an enormous shift for many women. For the first time, they must articulate their positions, advocate for their rights, and engage in financial and parenting discussions with equal authority.

Not all women feel capable of stepping into this role, and not all women should. When safety or mental health concerns are relevant, mediation may not be appropriate, but in the majority of relationships it is. Just last week, I came close to entering into mediation with a couple and the woman ultimately chose to go to court rather than to engage in mediation because she felt unprepared to assert herself in negotiations. I felt sad - not because she made the wrong decision (she is the expert on her own life, not me), but because I have seen time and time again that when women find the confidence and courage to express their needs and interests, remarkable transformations take place.

When a woman claims her voice in the mediation process, she often finds that her ex-partner begins to see her differently—as an equal rather than a subordinate. This does not repair the marriage, nor is that the goal, but it does create the foundation for a more respectful co-parenting relationship. By asserting herself in discussions about parenting schedules, financial decisions, and future responsibilities, she helps shape a dynamic where her perspectives are valued. This shift has lasting effects. Children benefit from seeing their mother as a capable, independent decision-maker, and the process of negotiation fosters a healthier post-separation relationship between parents.

While separation is undeniably painful, it can also be a turning point. Through the facilitated conversations that occur during mediation, women can reclaim their agency, redefine their roles, and step forward into their future with confidence. Empowerment is not about winning or dominating—it is about having a voice, making informed choices, and recognizing one's worth. The mediation process, when embraced fully, can be a powerful vehicle for that transformation.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

How to Set Boundaries For a Post-Separation Relationship: Building Bridges, Not Walls

January 29, 2025 Mike MacConnell

I work with couples who are separating. The marriage is over. That’s the easy part. The hard part is building a partnership to work together as co-parents. Whether repairing or ending a relationship, success often hinges on how well you set and communicate personal boundaries. Boundaries are the invisible lines that define what you are comfortable with and what you are not. When a former partner crosses these boundaries, they can leave us feeling distressed, even when the other person is unaware they have done so. Learning to identify and share these boundaries effectively can strengthen relationships, helping both partners feel respected and understood. Better communication will help you better parent your children.

The first step in setting boundaries is understanding your own. This involves self-reflection to identify the situations, behaviors, or words that make you uncomfortable or hurt. For instance, you might realize you feel undervalued when your partner doesn’t acknowledge your efforts around the house or dismissed when they interrupt you during conversations.

Once you’re clear about your boundaries, you can begin to think about how to share them with your partner. It’s important to remember that you speak about boundaries not to control others but to protect your well-being. Framing them in this way—as tools for mutual respect and connection—helps set a constructive tone for the conversation.

When it’s time to share your boundaries, the goal is to invite collaboration, not conflict. Too often, people approach these conversations by accusing their partner: “You’ve crossed my boundary” or “You’re disrespecting me.” While such statements may feel justified, they come across as attacks, making the other person defensive.

Instead, frame the conversation as an opportunity to build understanding. For example, you might say: “I’m sensitive about certain things, and I’d like to talk about how we can minimize hurt feelings. Can we have a conversation about this?” This approach respects both your needs and your partner’s autonomy.

Imagine you feel unheard because your partner frequently interrupts you during conversations. Rather than saying, “You never let me finish” or “You don’t care about what I’m saying,” try:

“It’s important for me to feel listened to. Can you let me finish what I’m finish what I’m saying before you jump in? Then I’ll give you time to speak.”

This phrasing shares your feelings without assigning blame and invites your ex to collaborate on a solution.

Another common boundary revolves around feeling appreciated. Perhaps you’ve been putting extra effort into supporting your partner by accommodating their last minute changes to pick-up and drop-off times, but they haven’t acknowledged it. Instead of saying, “You take me for granted,” try:

“We’re both putting effort into raising Jimmy. But can you acknowledge that I’m the one who is always making adjustments when your schedule suddenly changes and you’re late at work. It

takes a lot of flexibility on my part. I know you can’t help those changes, but you seem to take it for granted that I’ll be available. Will you agree to check in with me before assuming I’m free, and express some appreciation when I am?”

This approach focuses on expressing appreciation to foster a positive atmosphere.

The ultimate goal of communicating boundaries is to bring your co-parenting into alignment, not to highlight your differences. Try to avoid boundaries becoming weapons or markers of victimhood. Present them instead as opportunities to deepen understanding and strengthen your connection.

By approaching boundary-setting as a partnership, you shift the dynamic from “you versus me” to “us working together.” Remember, healthy communication is about finding common ground, even in challenging conversations after the marriage has ended. Mutual respect and understanding are the keys to success.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR