Tips on Talking About Your Pain (It’s OK Not to feel OK – But Not OK to Hide it Away)

Stress is a major component of modern life and has escalated dramatically for many people during the isolation of COVID, yet it can be hard to talk about.

Few of us know how to be heard.

Take my client Brendan, for example. He’s a healthy teenager in many ways. Frustrated with COVID restrictions, he wants to do what’s right, to be tolerant and brave without being a pain. As a result, he doesn’t talk about his loneliness, or his sleeplessness over worries about finding a girlfriend or choosing a career.

It’s OK for him not to feel OK. His sadness and worry are healthy emotional responses to adolescence in an uncertain world. But he has never been guided to accept that those emotions are healthy, or been shown how they can be managed. His parents tell him not to worry, that it’ll all be OK. His friends change the topic. News feeds he follows make the world look hopeless and heroes in his favorite shows are the strong, silent type.  

Brendan wonders if there is something wrong with him when anxiety takes him into dark places. He feels ashamed and helpless and doesn’t know what to do.

Here are some tips that could help Brendan (and guide you in guiding him):

1.      Find someone you trust to talk to. A parent, older sibling, guidance counselor or trusted adult. Set up a time to chat so they don’t feel ambushed. Let them know in advance you want help talking through some difficult feelings. No shame. No apologies. Vulnerability builds courage. This process will be good for you both.

2.      Sit calmly to observe and find words for your feelings. Try to avoid explaining or judging them. They do NOT define who you are, but it’s important to acknowledge that they’re a big part of your life today.  

3.      Examine the positive “unmet need” beneath each negative emotion. For example, underneath Brendan’s loneliness may be the positive need to connect meaningfully with another person. His desire to be a productive person is behind his anxiety about choosing a career. Uncover the positive values that give rise to the negative emotion. Values come first and are permanent, while emotions come and go.

4.      Focus on what you want – on the conditions and states of mind that are your goals. Stay rooted in those positive values and needs. Dream big. What is it that matters most? Who and how do you want to be? How do you get to that place? Share your vulnerable truth, with all the courage you can muster, then flip each problem upside down by describing what the solution could look like.

5.      Brainstorm practical strategies for moving toward the goal. You haven’t asked for advice up till now, only for an ear. Now you can each throw out ideas. Ignore all the things you can’t do. What resources, what abilities do you have? What windows are open, even a little? How about beginning a fitness regime, downloading a self-scheduling app, setting up Zoom sessions with friends, signing up for an online course. Make a list.

6.      Decide on a few practical, initial steps. Act on them. Begin modestly, but begin now.

7.      Assess progress slowly, patiently. Change is incremental; it takes time. The intention to consciously change is the beginning of emotional self-management. The painful feelings you once feared and resented can now be seen for what they always were: the calls to make changes and the incentives for growth.

Keep in mind the words of Seneca, the Roman orator, who said, “what matters is not what you bear but how you bear it”.

In the realm of self-esteem and emotional health, how you bear it is ALL that matters.

Essential conversations shift youth into an empowered relationship with their emotional life.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

How to Know if Mediation is Right for Your Divorce: The Goldilocks Solution

COVID-19 restrictions have brought Jill and Ron’s marriage to the brink. They’ve agreed to divorce but not to much else. Ron thinks they should hire lawyers to work it out in court and suck up the costs. Jill doesn’t want to spend all that money and time or hand over decision-making power to a judge. To her it’s a no-brainer to hire a mediator to help work things out between them more amicably, quickly and inexpensively.

Is mediation the right solution? It often is, for a number of reasons:

1.     You meet on your own time, at your own convenience, not when the court dictates. It can take a few weeks or months - not a few years as court often does.

2.     You construct your own agreement including terms that make sense to you. The mediator facilitates the conversation but can’t impose any decision.

3.     Costs are lower for two reasons: first, you split the mediator’s fees, rather than each paying the higher hourly fee of a lawyer; second, it almost always requires fewer hours.

4.     Co-parenting is easier after facilitated problem-solving sessions. There is a chance of improving ongoing communications, which is a big win for your children.

5.     Privacy is a guarantee in mediation, unlike court proceedings which are open to public scrutiny.

Mediation is preferred by more and more couples these days, and is successful 85% of the time. That missing 15% shows that it’s not always the best process for everyone. It is “The Goldilocks Solution” for parties who get along “just right”. Exceptions occur when conflict is too low or too high.

Too Low:

If Ron and Jill can amicably work out an agreement at the kitchen table, why hire a neutral third party? They can save the cash. They will only need lawyers at the end, to provide legal advice and prepare a Separation Agreement.

Too High:

If conflict escalates, Jill and Ron won’t negotiate well. This is a judgement call, unique to each case, but generally mediation is NOT recommended when any of the following questions is answered with “yes”:

·     does a history of abuse in the relationship prevent one party from negotiating on his or her own behalf?

·       does substance abuse or a mental health problem prevent Ron or Jill from rational problem solving?

·       is emotional turmoil at a peak, preventing one or both from listening?

·       is one party unwilling or unable to negotiate in good faith?

These situations give cause to pause, although they don’t necessarily preclude mediation. Sometimes it’s best to delay until parties calm down. Perhaps the couple can wait until medical or therapeutic support has been provided.

Mediators are also trained to offer accommodations such as inviting a lawyer or support person into sessions. Shuttle mediation can also be used to keep parties in separate rooms.

Most separating couples are in the Goldilocks middle range, with conflict neither too high or too low, but just right.

To learn more about Divorce Mediation: ReflectiveMediation.ca

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

“Not Yet” Is a Statement of HOPE

“Have you become the person you want to be?”       “Not yet”.

“Do you and your partner fully connect?”                    “Not yet”.

“When will you get your life back from COVID?”        “Not yet”.

Do you hear the note of hope in that phrase? “Not Yet” is a world away from “No Way” or “Never”.

As a professional mediator and communication coach, I often hear from potential clients who desperately wish the tension at home or work would end .... yet they have given up on believing that there’s anything they can do. They shrug and say “there’s no point in wtrying. My partner and I will never connect.”

I find the word “never” to be incredibly sad, because respectful conversations CAN and DO improve people’s lives every day. I see it whenever couples, colleagues or family members listen deeply and speak openly with a simple intention to connect.  It takes courage; and it’s worth it.

Instead of avoiding difficult conversations, take the attitude: “I’ve got to try something.” Doing nothing guarantees it will get worse. Instead, take a risk and give it a try. Allow yourself to work with a partner, parent or mediator to reach agreement on small desired changes, then slowly shift your behaviours, one step at a time.

The key is to begin in a spirit of curiosity, believing your relationships CAN improve. You won’t be perfect. Not yet. Your relationship won’t be perfect. Not yet. Realism is the recognition that healthy relationships CAN be earned with a bit of luck and a lot of conscious effort.  

Don’t buy into the cynical cliche “it is what it is.” That’s just an excuse to do nothing. Those who give up before trying will create a self-fulfilling prophecy. Not because there was no way but because they didn’t start looking for a way. They arrived too quickly at “never,” when the truth all along was “not yet.”

“Not yet” isn’t easy. Perhaps you long for a world of “already everything”; but without winter the spring wouldn’t be so sweet. It’s best to embrace the struggle to grow.

We may always have to live with “Not Yet”. That’s OK. The effort leaves us a little better off than yesterday, and elevates our heart a world away from “never”.

I invite you to join me in the quest.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Steps to Expect When You Give Me a Call

Reflective Mediation is about solving relationship problems by improving communication. You will be dealing directly with me, Mike MacConnell (and my intern for cases of separation and divorce).  Whether through remote video-conference (especially during Covid) or in person, mediation clients meet face-to-face in respectful, facilitated conversations, to arrive at mutual agreement on their issues. Coaching clients work with me privately, face-to-face or by phone.

Inquiry by Email

Our work together usually begins with  an email inquiry to (mike@reflectivemediation.ca or mikegmacconnell@gmail.com) I’ll reply asap answering any initial questions and scheduling a telephone call. If your first inquiry is by telephone, we’re already at the next step.

Telephone Conversation

I call this the “business call”. We arrange for me to call you, or you call 416-433-1314, essentially to vet one another. You want to get a sense of whether you would feel comfortable in this process, working with me, and to have your questions answered, while I’m determining whether your goals, needs and issues are well matched by my skill set.

This call is entirely free of charge, fully confidential, and usually takes about 30 to 45 minutes.

I want to get the broad strokes of your situation. I’ll be listening carefully to understand what the issues are, the obstacles you fear and what goals matter most. Next, I need to ensure you are making a fully informed decision before deciding on the process. These are my practical goals.

I’m also dedicated to a psychological goal. I frequently hear from people in pain, people who feel depleted, discouraged and stuck. My goal is to reassure every client that even the most dire situations CAN improve with calm self-care and respectful communication.

Getting Hired

Those calling about private coaching can move directly to financial arrangements once they have decided to move forward. In mediation cases, because another party is involved, I require a similar, no-charge “business call”. Fully-informed, voluntary decisions are essential from each participant. Once all parties have agreed to move forward, I email an Invoice for payment.

Fees

My standard hourly rate is $190 + HST = $215/hr. Flexible rates can be negotiated on an as-needed basis. Each party normally pays an equal share, thus $107.50/hr. each for a 2-party mediation. I ask for a retainer, preferably by e-transfer, representing anywhere from 3 to 10 hours, depending on the case.

I keep detailed docket on an excel spreadsheet which can be shared at any time upon request.

Any unused portion of the retainer is refunded immediately upon termination of our work together, regardless of the reason for its termination.

Once Hired

Our first conversation upon being hired will be a private, confidential Intake Session. This is the chance for the mediator to screen for trigger issues, and to allow each party to provide more detailed information about their situation, including things they might not wish to share during a joint joint session.

In cases of separation and divorce, each party will be emailed an Agreement to Mediate Form and a Mediation Intake Form to be completed and returned prior to the first Joint Session.

Joint Sessions

We now bring participants together for conversations directed toward respectful listening and collaborative solutions. This brings us into the heart of our work.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Why Don’t Men See It Coming?

I’m a family mediator. I get in the middle of other people’s problems. Things can get loud at times, but I wouldn’t be invited if things were going well.

My clients are most often couples seeking to separate or to save their marriage, but may be siblings who have fallen out of touch, parents at odds with their teenage children or adult children disagreeing about end of life care for their elderly parent. Every situation is unique.

The primary goal, however, is nearly always the same: to find answers to the issues that keep triggering conflict in the relationship. In short, to improve communication.

Participants are often shocked by how quickly they reach agreement, once they get to the table. As the mediator, I’m shocked by how long it takes them to get to the table.  

Here’s another puzzling thing I’ve noticed: it’s almost always the woman who reaches out first.

I’ve had dozens and dozens of cases in my career, and in more than 80% of those cases, the first contact is initiated by a female. What’s going on with that? Why are women the ones who seek help? There are just as many men as women in difficult relationships, just as many men who are suffering emotional pain or hanging on in situations that are stressful.

Why aren’t the men doing the google search and emailing or picking up the phone? 

Take heterosexual couples for example. Almost every case is initiated by the woman, who reports she is “living in parallel”, experiencing minimal intimacy or feeling taken for granted. The man may be a good father, yet acts like he’s on auto-pilot in the relationship, shrugging off her complaints saying “things aren’t really that bad”, dismissing her unhappiness as “an over-reaction”, avoiding the conversation by saying “why can’t we just relax and have fun like we used to?”.

He may look like he doesn’t care but most often he does and just doesn’t know how to express it. That’s what’s so tragic. When she finally says “I’m fed up. I want a divorce,” he feels blindsided. By the time they arrive in mediation he’s the one who presents as most devastated. 

Once our work begins, men are equally able to listen respectfully, to articulate their needs and collaborate on solutions. They are as willing as the women to practice the communication skills I teach, and just as appreciative when they succeed.

So why aren’t they as quick to admit the dysfunction and seek solutions before things fall off the rails?

Is there a way to shake men awake before they wake up alone? Anything helpful you or I can say?

The vulnerability that some men fear (and therefore avoid) is actually the door to their deepest strength and connection. The door can be opened with honest communication, if only they could see it that way.

If you have any thoughts on how to pass men the key, please share your suggestions in the comments below.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Ready, Set, Pivot – Adapting to Unwanted Change

How well are you responding to the astounding changes that COVID-19 has imposed on your life? You’ve suddenly had to shift how you work and shop, how your kids receive their education and even how you socialize. Old disruptors such as e-commerce, online news sites, ride-sharing apps now seem mainstream or even old school.

Changes bring uncertainty; uncertainty breeds stress. We’re all wondering what the new normal will be in two months or two years from now. Truth is – you can’t be certain about what the future will require; but you can control your ability to adapt.

Research studies from multiple sources conclude that individuals with higher levels of adaptability adjust more successfully to shifting social environments, and report higher levels of life satisfaction. Better yet, a 2016 study reported in the Harvard Business Review reveals that adaptability can be learned.

1. Expect to Pivot. Those who adapt well view all change as a fact of life. Instead of feeling victimized by unjust forces, ashamed of past mistakes, or dreaming about “the good old days” they stay in the present, engaged in their work, alert for any opportunity. They’re ready to shift sideways, creating a new way forward.

Let’s say that under the strain of COVID isolation you blew up after your teenager sneered at your request for help with the dishes. Rethink your approach. How can you engage differently, in a way that might connect?  You could negotiate earning privileges by helping out, or express  your stress and need for assistance. You’d better pivot, because the teen is changing so you need to as well.

2. Dwell on Positive Solutions, not Negative Feelings. Emotional awareness is important as a starting place. But you don’t want to remain focused on negative feelings. Repeatedly broadcasting negative emotions hinders our natural adaptation processes. (Wortman, F.B. & Boerner, K., 2007) The alternative isn’t to “toughen up” or ignore your troubles. Instead, use that awareness to motivate a search for practical solutions.

Perhaps you notice you’re feeling a surge of anxiety about the COVID conversion of your home office to a virtual workplace. Treat that as a call to action. You might search YouTube videos that provide instructions on the use of virtual platforms, or ask a tech-savvy colleague for help. To manage the stress, research exercise routines devoted to stress reduction, or download an meditation app.

3. Reflect on Your Values, Not Your Fears. This tip builds on the previous one, starting with awareness of difficult emotions and examining what underlies them. The strategy is to focus on what deeply matters to you – connection, love, creativity, belonging, etc.  Do this by asking yourself what positive, frustrated values are causing the negative feeling.  Here’s an example.

Imagine your income has declined due to the pandemic and you’re drawing on savings. You doubt yourself and feel like a failure.  Dig beneath those feelings. What positive values underlie those emotions? Reflect, and it won’t take long to recognize your sadness and self-doubt are founded on your sense of responsibility. What matters to you is taking care of your family and being a reliable provider. Financial fortunes have changed, not your values or your ethical quality as a person.

4. Accept the Past; Fight for the Future. You may never be free from change, yet you are always free to choose how to respond to it.  Even though you can’t go back to the life you used to have, you can choose whether to lament what’s lost or conjure the courage to embrace the future, employing your freedom to chart your next steps.

Picture lockdown driving a wedge between you and your partner, who has stunned you by demanding a divorce. Your world has turned upside down. Will anger compel you to get even, or will despair drive you under the covers? These understandable impulses both push back against change. Or, once you’ve recovered from the shock, will you dust yourself off, accept that the ground has shifted, and strive for the fairest resolution you can amicably reach?

5. Find Humour in the Situation. Humour lightens the mood, helping you to see the problem from a different perspective and improving social interaction. The difficulties of others are no laughing matter, but finding an ironic twist on your own dilemma casts the situation in a new light.

If, for example, you have been unable to work because of COVID restrictions, you might play with reframing it as an ironic gift. “Hey sweetheart, I’ve been impatient to kick back and relax on vacation and the universe just dropped an unannounced holiday in my lap. And we can’t blow our money on a closed resort – so we’ll vacation here in the back yard.”

You can’t control change. Yet when change happens, how to respond is your choice. Always.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 100 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Tips to Build Resilience in Troubled Times

The COVID-19 pandemic has placed enormous stress on people around the world, those who’ve lost jobs, lost businesses, lost loved ones, or who are trying to work full time from tiny apartments while caring for children who can’t attend school or day care. We are all trying to support each other. But why will some of us have resilience and come out of this period relatively unscathed, while others are at risk of ongoing depression and anxiety? Can adults improve their ability to bounce back?

Resilience, it turns out, is a learnable skill. You can take steps to build it.

If you are juggling working from home with trying to home-school children, the frantic pace of the day may be wearing you down. Practicing Mindfulness for just ten or fifteen minutes a day can help you focus and relax. 

Mindfulness, defined by John Kabat-Zinn as “the awareness that arises from paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment and non-judgmentally” has proven results. His Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction program is an evidence-based approach using breath and body awareness as a way of calming the nervous system, thereby increasing resilience. 

Diane L. Coutu, senior editor of the Harvard Business Review (2002) argues that resilient people possess a number of learnable skills. One key is to Cultivate Acceptance. Rather than resenting circumstances beyond your control, direct attention to what you can control: your responses. Stuck inside with your spouse and the kids? Get together in the kitchen taking turns learning how to make one another’s favourite recipes. 

Coutu’s second suggestion refers to Victor Frankl, the Auschwitz survivor who credits his survival to his ability to Make Meaning out of suffering. Frankl found meaning in the people and the work he loved. No doubt your situation also is laden with opportunity to make meaning. By creating goals for yourself, for your family, for those you love or a cause you believe in, you can rise above the moment to view it from a higher perspective. 

When disaster hits, Improvise, be inventive. Pivot. Challenge yourself to adapt by moving in new and unexpected directions. Coutu recommends you make the most of what you have, putting resources to unfamiliar uses and imagining possibilities you previously didn’t see. You can’t go to concerts, but maybe you can find new artists online, or challenge yourself to learn a favourite song. 

Social isolation doesn’t have to be psychological isolation. It’s crucial to Stay Connected to assure you and your family emerge more bonded and functional than ever. Get curious about what’s really going on with them. Initiate honest conversations. Pick up the telephone. Teach yourself to host free video-conferences with extended family and friends. 

Stressful times can put cracks in your relationships. The persistent effort to heal those rifts may be the greatest gift of a resilient disposition. Maybe you’ll find, as Leonard Cohen says, that “the cracks are where the light gets in.”

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Marriage Story: The aikido Approach

I teach a college course in divorce mediation and was recently delighted by the dramatic opportunity presented by two students who were role-playing an upset wife and husband.  In the role of mediator, I was demonstrating the subtle art of “going with” the other person, a communication technique that entails resisting the automatic tendency to “push back” when you disagree. 

The student playing the “wife” barked out something like “The kids and I would be better off if you were dead”.

These were hurtful words, utterly unhelpful to reaching agreement. The natural reaction would be to halt the exchange with a reminder that parties had previously agreed to speak respectfully. I had no intention to reprimand. Her high emotion provided me with the perfect opportunity to demonstrate the Aikido approach.

Named after an ancient martial art, the Aikido approach, when applied to conflict resolution, teaches how to neutralize an attack without inflicting harm. Rather than retaliating, shaming or proving her wrong, this non-aggressive approach accepts the other person’s position and goes with it.

“That is a surprising statement.” I responded, “Do you mean what you said?”

“I mean every word. My children and I would be far better off if he was dead.”

“You must be carrying enormous pain to have such a wish. Help me understand how you believe it would make your life and the lives of your children better if their father was dead.” I turned to the “husband” and said, “Sir, I appreciate your restraint and ask you, if you can, to listen for the next few minutes without immediately responding.” 

The student playing the “wife” improvised for a few minutes, painting an elaborate portrait of her “husband” as a useless internet-gamer and compulsive YouTube addict who was completely inept in caring for his family. 

At one point the “husband” interrupted, “That’s untrue. You’re exaggerating unbelievably!”

“Sir, difficult as it must be, I’m asking you to let her continue. You don’t need to agree. I am not here to gather evidence or judge who is right or wrong. We are listening to what is true from her point of view. I promise we will soon get to hear your side. Will you agree just to listen for the next few minutes?”

“Ok.” he grumbled.

 “Thank you.”

Turning to her, I said, “Thank you for expressing your point of view. I understand more fully now why this divorce is important to you. Please continue. How do you believe it would it be for your family? Imagine the children after the loss of their father. How would it be for them?”

The student tried to maintain her righteous indignation, but couldn’t carry on for long. Soon, on her own, she admitted her words might have been exaggerated, “Of course, I know the kids would miss him. They would miss playing video games together. And his pancakes. It’s just unfair, that’s all. I earn the salary and I take care of him like he’s one of the kids. He doesn’t carry his weight.”

“Now you’re getting to what matters.” I said, “Carrying one’s weight is an important issue to negotiate. It sounds like you are worried that adult responsibilities are currently out of balance. Sir, do you agree it’s important to balance your parenting responsibilities?”

“Yes, of course I do.”

“Then the two of you agree on an important principle. Now you’re moving forward. Let’s continue.” Her emotions had been legitimized, not shut down, which enabled her to correct herself without being pushed to do so.

Aikido-style negotiation focuses on what makes sense, and avoids getting derailed by what doesn’t. Instead of “fighting for peace” you are “being peaceful for peace”.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

How to Reduce Conflict in Social Isolation

It’s a blessing to have company during social isolation. But it can feel like a curse.

Pick your issue - one way or another, many of us feel triggered and ready to snap at our partners, roommates or children when we’re stuck home with one another – and there’s no place to get away.

For example:

·       She predicts global catastrophe with an air of certainty that you find pompous and depressing.

·       His advice on how to do household chores makes it sound like he thinks you’re incompetent.

Here are a few tips on managing your response when you’re tempted to snap.

What if instead of getting caught up in judging your partner, or feeling criticized, you recognized the other’s behaviour as useful, incoming information about how it is for them? What if you assumed the other person was doing the best they could?  Try finding out. A dose of sincere curiosity can shift the outcome from conflict to connection.

It’s called an Aikido Approach*. Simply put, it’s about “going with” instead of pushing back.

Here’s how it might play out when you feel irritated or overwhelmed:

·       First, get quietly centred in yourself. Check in on your agitated reaction.

·       Notice your impulse. Name it to yourself. Take a slow, conscious breath.

·       “Go with” the other person’s words. Assume their behaviour is a legitimate expression of what they need now. Cultivate curiosity about that.  

·       Inquire into what it looks and feels like for them.

To the global catastrophist you might say:

·       “Tell me more. Your predictions sound pretty dire and scary.   Should I be scared? Do you want to talk it through?”

·       “Are there any steps you think we should be taking to prevent that from happening?”

·       “What are your suggestions about how we can prepare in case that occurs?”

In response to advice on household chores you might say:

·       “I get that doing chores correctly matters a lot to you. We share that. If I did them my way, please explain what you are worried would happen?”

·       “When I hear your advice, it sounds like you doubt my ability. That is upsetting for me. What impact were you hoping to have?” 

·       “Can you suggest a way for us to discuss this more skillfully?”

It’s called an Aikido approach after the martial art that neutralizes conflict without unnecessary force or injury to either side. When someone comes at you, (or their words do) you simply get out of the way and add your own energy to theirs. You unbalance the other’s position, without aggression. Applied to relationships, the Aikido approach defuses conflict by helping you understand the other person, even if you don’t always agree.

Curiosity is hard to summon when you disagree or feel hurt. The natural reaction is to resist, correct, argue, inform, or get even.  It isn’t easy to put your reactions on hold; but curiosity works. It requires an attitude of acceptance, a centred willingness to “go with” the other person rather than push back from a sense of threat.

No need to fake it. No need to agree. Being curious is about genuinely accepting that their point of view and their feelings are as legitimate to them as yours are to you.

Tension is less likely to build. And when it does, find something to ask. When your goal is not to get back at them, you’ll improve your ability to get back with them.

 * Fully articulated in The Magic of Conflict, by Thomas F. Crum, Touchstone Books, 1988.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Ten Tips for Brad and Angelina During Their Divorce

When stars fall from grace it hurts everyone who looked up to them. Part of our dreams fall with them.

All the more so if your own marriage has fallen from stardom to dust. You may find yourself at the same crossroad where Brad and Angelina now stand.

The stars seem prepared to do battle with an army of attorneys. They can afford the expense but what about the emotional toll?  There is an option to seeking vengeance: to heal and move on, putting the welfare of the children first.

When you awaken to a marriage that has crumbled, the first battle happens inside. Will you give in to the urge to win or provide a more civilized role model to your kids through respectful collaboration?

I work as a mediator with divorcing families. They have taught me that the psychologists are right. You don’t need to like your adversary to rise above the fray and become the role model you want to be for your kids. The high road is a steeper climb – but it offers a wiser path.

Brad and Angelina – and anyone experiencing separation – can benefit from these tips:

THINK WISELY

1.   Let the long term goal of freedom outweigh the immediate impulse for revenge.

2.   Don’t give in, but meet your needs peacefully, through negotiation instead of battle.

3.   Look at this conflict as an opportunity for personal growth.

4.   Challenge your hatred, knowing its best for your kids (and for you in the long run) if your ex is healthy and prosperous.

 FEEL DEEPLY

5.   Sit patiently with your pain. Accept it as your teacher, without pushing it away or reacting.

6.   Direct your thoughts away from hostility toward compassion for yourself and your kids. Let that guide your heart.

7.   Connect with the sides of yourself that are resilient, creative and strong. (Impotent anger won’t help. Motivate yourself toward positive goals.)

ENSURE THAT THE KIDS COME FIRST

8.   Change is scary. Reassure them (and yourself) that they have the resources and skills to thrive.

9.   When children ask for the impossible, reduce toxicity by directing conversation toward choices that ARE available.

10. Be the adult you want them to become: honest, engaged, sensitive, and able to have fun. 

If you find yourself going through a separation or divorce, please don't hesitate to get in touch. At my family mediation practice, Reflective Mediation, we help families resolve painful emotional and financial decisions using positive, solution-oriented communication skills. We assist parents to work together in the best interest of their children, for now and the future.  We teach easy-to-learn exercises that can calm emotions, and it’s okay to need a little help with your mental wellness when you’re in distress.

I'd love to connect with you on social media as well. Please follow me on Twitter or like our page on Facebook.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

How to Deal with – and learn from – your feelings about Trump

The Trump victory, for many, was a punch in the belly. It now looks like bullies win, that anger and ignorance and intolerance are in charge.

Reactions to Donald Trump highlight a dilemma we often face. Life sends curve-balls. Is there a way to deal with overwhelming emotion? Is there a healthy way to manage your response to events you can’t control?

The best revenge also happens to be the best defense: equanimity. That is, to stay being engaged while becoming untroubled.

I learned this in the early months of my own divorce, when impotent anger and anxiety made me feel like a cornered animal ready to win at all costs. That pain guided me to my yoga mat in search of relief.

Physical postures and breath-work provided an answer unavailable to my conscious intellect.  Concentration on poses calmed my brain. They didn’t fix the external problem, but quieted the internal one.

Neuroscientists describe equanimity as a detached state of mind in which “you have a kind of space around experiences, a buffer between you and [your] feelings.” (Rick Hanson PH.D., Buddha’s Brain, p 111) 

Relaxed awareness should not be mistaken for aloofness. “Equanimity is neither apathy nor indifference: you are warmly engaged with the world but not troubled by it.” (Ibid) Acquiring equanimity doesn’t rid you of emotion or suppress it.

However, brain scans show that during a meditation or yoga practice you remain as fully aware of emotional impulses as ever, but your nervous system doesn’t get triggered into the hyper arousal of fight-or-flight. Instead you remain clear-headed.

Equanimity allows attentiveness without the distortion that comes from being emotionally triggered.

Photo credit: Boss Tweed via Flickr

So what will you do? Are you going to dwell on Trump and remain upset? Will you get triggered when a dominating person next steps into your life? Do you want to be a role model for your kids? Your best response, always, is to practice equanimity. 

If you plan to be an activist, fighting against ignorance and intolerance, you will be more effective (not to mention healthier and happier) if you are calm and clearheaded.

So where do you begin if you find yourself in an extreme state of agitation about the state of the world since Trump’s election? Here are a few things you can try:

Begin a mindfulness ritual. Even if you’ve never meditated or done yoga before, now is a great time to start. Try the meditation app Headspace and spend 10 minute each morning following a guided meditation journey for beginners. Or find a series of a series of restorative yoga poses on YouTube and give those a try. Some helpful ones can also be found in my book The Yoga of Divorce.

Turn your frustration into concrete action. You may be powerless to do anything about who Trump selects for his cabinet, but you can join an advocacy group to draw attention to the issues that matter most to you. You can also leverage your worry for good by devoting some of your time — face-to-face — to helping those in need. You might volunteer in a soup kitchen or help an immigrant family to get settled, for example.

Spend some time outdoors. When it feels like the world has gone crazy, a walk in the woods — or even around the block — can help to shift your mood and remind you that there is more to life than what’s playing out in the news.

If you need more, get in touch. At my practice, Reflective Mediation, we offer mindfulness training and other stress-reduction practices that have been scientifically proven to rewire the nervous system.  We teach easy-to-learn exercises that can calm emotions, and it’s okay to need a little help with your mental wellness when you’re in distress.

I'd love to connect with you on social media as well. Please follow me on Twitter or like our page on Facebook.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Focusing On Fixing Problems Puts Romance At Risk

Our brains are Velcro for negative thoughts, Teflon for positive.  Evolution has wired us that way.  Nightly news producers know it, which is why, out of a million commuters, you only hear about the ones who don’t get home safely.  Our city functions as a miracle of co-ordinated social and economic activity but we hear about the cases of violence. 

There’s a good evolutionary reason for our predisposition to focus on problems.  Our prehistoric ancestors needed to think ahead, to worry about the coming winter, rival tribes or the next hunt.  They had to sharpen their spears and their wits.  Those who paid too much attention to the bright side may not have survived to pass along their genes.

In modern times (at least in the developed world) our issues aren’t about basic survival.  Attention to problems can motivates us to improve our lives, when done in small doses.  But a preoccupation with your problems can trigger the “fight-or-flight” reaction, which prepares your body for action by shutting down the creative, problem-solving region of your brain.   

 Dwelling on the negative is riskiest in intimate relationships.  When you zero in on the part of your love life that is not going well, you may lose sight of your many blessings.  As a family mediator I often work with spouses whose story of their past is dominated by what went wrong.  Conflict saturates their memory, poisoning their appreciation for anything that remains positive. 

Those painful events DID occur.  He really WAS hurt by her inattention.  She really IS wounded by his critical comments, and those issues deserve attention.  But they aren’t the whole story.   Problem-solving often loses sight of the positive qualities you offer one another.  Whether your goal is to heal or end your relationship, you’ll both benefit by shifting attention from what’s broken to what works.

Whether you’re reflecting on the city, or your love life, you will be at your best with a buoyant appreciation for what’s going well.  The realist sees the big picture.  Not just the problems.   

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

5 Reasons Not To Argue About Motives

I was recently working with a woman who was convinced her ex-husband was trying to alienate the teenaged daughter from her mother.  The malice she believed was motivating her husband had become a preoccupation for her.  The blame game consumed her energy.  The husband claimed he had no such motives.  Was he lying?  Was he in denial about his own deep motives?  I couldn’t be certain any more than his ex-wife could.  But I was sure that her repeated demands for him to change his motives were simply not working. 

The only change available to her was in how she interacted with her daughter.  She had to focus on improving the mother-daughter relationship without getting hung up on what she thought was motivating her husband.  

Here are 5 good reasons to avoid arguing about the other person's motives:

1.       You can’t know if you’re right about his or her motives. Keep your thoughts hypothetical ;

2.       When you impute hostile motives to the other person you make yourself angrier.  This escalates the dispute, and puts you into an emotional state less likely to come up with a solution;

3.       You look like the bad guy when you make angry, explicit claims about his or her motives;

4.       Motives are irrelevant.  The best resolutions focus on objective behaviours that can be observed, known, agreed-to and monitored. 

5.       Discussions of motives rehash the past.  Solutions focus on the future, and to the behaviours you WANT.

When someone hurts you, it’s natural to assume it’s intentional.  “He’s spending more time with our daughter just to win her away from me.”  The reaction is natural and automatic.  You begin to revisit old memories, recasting them to confirm your story of the other person’s malice.

But wait.  Let’s slow down.  You might be right.  Your speculation is one way of explaining what happened.  But you may be overlooking something.  Beware of claiming certainty.  

If your goal is not high energy drama but just to get past the dispute then consider challenging your automatic interpretations of someone else’s motive.  It won’t be easy.  It takes a disciplined act of will to catch yourself in the act and to question your automatic thoughts.  And then to practice patience.

We have enough difficulty gaining certainty about the tangled threads of our own motives.  Let’s not claim certainty about the intentions of others.  We walk a smoother path through life when we walk it with humility. 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Acknowledging Thoughfulness

I was in a rush, unfamiliar with the Toronto subway station I was just about to enter.  I dropped a token into the box, then had a second thought and leaned toward the grille, “Is there a washroom in this station?” I asked.  “It’s kind of urgent.”

The middle aged ticket collector answered, “No there isn’t.  I’m afraid you’ll have to go all the way to Yonge and Bloor.  That’s the closest one.”

I pushed through the turnstile but she called me back.  “Hey, Mister.  There’s a Tim Horton’s just outside here and around the corner to your left.  Why don’t you go on over there?  I know you’ve paid and I’ll remember you when you come back.”

I thanked her and made a quick exit.  A few minutes later I was in a bathroom, full of gratitude for the execution of a simple bodily function.  And gratitude for her.  It would have been easier for her to sit there half asleep, to answer my question and just direct me down the line.  That was all her job required.  But she had been sharper than that.  Her thoughtful suggestion was a human response to another human’s discomfort. 

She had gone out of her way, and I wanted her to know I had noticed.  We busy city folk don’t appreciate our blessings often enough, and too rarely express it to others.

When I returned to the turnstile she nodded and waved me through.  I paused before passing, and again leaned in toward the grille.  She was sitting up on one of those high leather stools, not expecting me to stop.  Her smile froze when she saw that I was about to say something and I realized in an instant that the pause of a patron normally meant that she was going to hear trouble.  She sat back, eyes wary, waiting for a complaint.

“I just want you to know how much I appreciate your thoughtfulness,” I said.  “It’s a pleasure to see someone who brings quality to their job.  The public isn’t known for expressing gratitude, so I don’t imagine you often have a chance to hear praise, but you deserve it today.  You cared enough to respond creatively.  You’re not just on automatic pilot.”

“No, I don’t often hear compliments,” she said.  She was smiling warmly, and seemed to sit more relaxed in her chair.  “Thank you for that.  You’ve made my day.”

“You made mine,” I replied, and walked on through the turnstile.

There was a line-up building behind me.  I hoped she wasn’t going to get grief from any impatient transit riders.  But it wouldn’t have mattered. 

Today she had a little extra insulation against insensitivity.

We both did. 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Emotional Intelligence Saves A Difficult Conversation

Three of us were seated around a table in my office, three hours into difficult divorce negotiations.  The couple had made progress around childcare and custody issues, but tension reached a critical point when the topic shifted to finances.

His opening salvo pulled no punches.  “I understand I’ll need to contribute spousal and child support.  We’ll get down to those numbers later.  But no way am I going to keep paying for all the additional tutoring and special education classes you’ve got the kids enrolled in.  None of it is necessary.”

Her agitation was palpable.  Colour rose to her face and she shifted uncomfortably in her chair.  I raised my hand with the “time out” sign.

She waved me off.  “It’s ok,” she said.  “I’ve been practicing.”  She was referring to a private session she had requested a few days earlier to work on ways to stop losing her temper.  I had explained about "neural hijackings", how the emotional brain gets overloaded by stress and triggers the fight-or-flight response, short-circuiting our capacity for rational thought.  These automatic hijackings are natural but devastating.  There is good news too, since strategies can be learned to enhance E.Q. (emotional intelligence) and prevent this loss of control.

She had rehearsed ways to recognize the anger before it exploded.  We had done some calming breath work, which she promised to practice daily.  I had also role-played being a verbal aggressor so she could practice the calm, inquisitive responses of Active Listening to defuse the cycle of anger. 

I watched, impressed, as she calmed herself with a long, slow breath. 

“What you're saying is new to me,” she spoke in an even tone.  “Please explain your reasoning.  We’ve been supporting these special education classes for over three years.  Why do you think they’re unimportant now?”

I was impressed.  This was textbook Active Listening.  Instead of blowing up and derailing the conversation, she was respectfully inquiring into the other person’s thinking without making any negative comments about his character or accusations about his motives. 

The tone of his reply seemed to be scaled down a notch.  He stated that he thought three years should be enough.  “If the learning disabilities haven’t been corrected in three years then it was a waste of time and money.  Now that we’re supporting two homes we are both less wealthy.  We need to cut costs somewhere and this is a good place to start.”

She replied that she didn’t agree.  But instead of getting frustrated and reverting to attack mode, as she would have done previously, she went straight to Plan B.  “Look,” she said, “We clearly don’t agree on this point.  I suggest we put it aside for now.  Let’s both think about it.  Perhaps later it can be a bargaining chip.  If we still can’t agree, let’s ask for advice fromthe psychologist who did the educational  assessment.  We'll do what she recommends.” 

How could he argue?  They hadn’t reached agreement on the point, but her mindfulness in the moment had prevented an emotional explosion and mapped a way to positively approach the topic in the future.

She reminded me once again that E.Q. really can be learned.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Elder Care - Dealing With Confusion

I was on night shift in my father’s bedroom during the final days of his palliative care.  I heard him struggling with his covers and opened my eyes.  The digital clock read 4:00 a.m.  He was sitting up by the time I turned on the nightlight and came over to his side. 

I helped him walk to the commode, then back to his bed where I handed him a glass of water.

“The ship is rocking a lot.  There may be a storm tonight and they’ll be closing down the ship’s casino.  Is the sea very rough?” he asked.

“Probably is,” I replied. “Do you feel the floor moving?”

There was a long pause.  We sat on the bed, side by side.  “Wait one second.  You’re putting me on.  We’re not on a cruise ship, are we?”

“No dad.  We’re not.” I replied.  ‘You’ve been dreaming.  And that’s no surprise considering the amount of morphine they’ve got you on to manage the pain of your cancer.”

He turned to look me in the eyes.  “Then why did you lead me on instead of correcting me?  Tell me the truth, am I losing my mind?” he asked.

I put my arm around his shoulder.  “No, you aren’t losing your mind,” I answered.  “Absolutely not.  Far from it.  I didn’t want to contradict you, that’s all.  Despite the morphine you seem to be able to see through the haze just fine on your own, at your own pace, in your own time.  You don’t need correction.  Here, have some more water.”

He lifted the glass to his lips with two gnarled hands.  “I never knew water could taste so good,” he chuckled.  “All my life I’ve drunk coffee and maybe orange juice in the mornings, beer and booze in the evening.  I don’t think I ever really tasted water when I was younger!”

“You’re probably right.  As a kid I don’t remember that we ever had water at the dinner table.  Now thanks to Helena, one of your Personal Support Workers, we have noticed that drinking lots of water clears your mind.”

“And gets me up all the time to go to the can.  I’m glad we’ve got the commode here in my bedroom.”

“You’ve exercised all your life and you’re still moving around a lot now,” I said.

“All these years I’ve been a dehydrated old alcoholic.”

“Yes, dad,” I laughed.  “You’ve been a lusty, thirsty man.  Here, have some more water.”

He tilted back the glass and enjoyed another few gulps of Toronto’s finest tap.   

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

The Economics of Accountability

My job as a conflict mediator is built on skills I learned as a high school owner and teacher.

A few years ago I had a student and his mother in my office one morning, glaring across at each other.  The school day had not yet begun but they were already hard at it, locked in stubborn conflict. 

Mom: “He doesn’t do a stitch of homework, any more than he helps out around the house.  And that’s zero.   I swear, if it wasn’t to eat and borrow the car he’d probably never come home.”

Son: “Which might make all of us happier.  It’s a madhouse when I am home.  I don’t get any freedom and all you do is nag.”

Mom: “What else can I do?  You’re in this expensive private school so you can get into university.  If it wasn’t for my nagging you’d never get accepted.”

I stepped in, “Let’s look at what you’re both saying.  You’ve described a perfect lose-lose arrangement.   If you are correct, Mrs. Wilson, then even if Evan gets acceptance, the credit will go to your nagging, and he’ll be set up for disaster when nobody is there to nag him.  And Evan, you’re so angry at your mom you’re prepared to sabotage your own success. ”

I continued.  “This is a classic vicious circle.  It can actually get a lot worse, or we can make an agreement right now to spin it the other way, into a positive spiral.”

“Really?” He asked, “What are we talking about?  Brain transplant?”

“More like a behavioural transplant,” I answered.  “But it has to be both of you.”

“I’ll try anything,” the mother said.

“What about you, Evan?  Be honest with me, do you actually want to go to university, or is that your mother’s ambition?  I know you’ve got the brain, but unless you care about being there you’d be happier setting your sights in a less academic direction.”

“Yes.  I do want university.  I’ve wanted to study science since I was a kid.  I always intend to work.  I just go nuts and flip out when she won’t leave me alone.  Then I can’t think or work at all.”

“So the more she nags the less you work, and the less you work the more she nags.  That about it?”

“Pretty much,” he smiled.

“Then let’s turn it around.  It’s time for you to grow up, Evan, and time for you, Mrs. Wilson, to let him.  I want you both to think of being a student like having a job.”

“What do you mean, “like a job”?” he asked.

“I’m talking about getting paid in privileges, one of which is not to be nagged.  Prove to your mom that you CAN do the work on your own, that you’re actually ready to earn the freedom you want.”

“Mrs. Wilson, you need to leave him alone.  Give him one month.  Check in with his teachers for academic updates but don’t pester him.  Pay him with the car and other luxuries only when he’s earned his paycheck by doing his schoolwork and chores.  

Think of this as a contract to adulthood, or as I call it: the economics of accountability.”

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

My Book Is Born

On a winter evening in 2012, I was having a beer with some friends after my weekly game of outdoor hockey.  I was at a table with Jason and Pete, middle-aged men who, like me, had separated from their wives.  Jason began to describe his divorce battle.

 “She’s trying to take it all.  She’s in a fury, won’t talk to me, and her lawyer just eggs her on,” he said through clenched teeth. “But there’s no way I’m giving in.  My lawyer says her claims are bogus.  She won’t let me into the house but I’ve been told I can force her to sell it.”

 “Don’t your kids still live there?” I asked.

 “Well that’s just it.” Jason said.  “I care about them but I’ve also got to get my share.  I don’t want to force my kids to move, and look like a jerk, but no way I’m going to pay and pay while she lives like a queen in the house I bought.”

 “Can’t you find a compromise?” I asked.

 “I tell you, she’s gone nuts.  There’s no middle ground.  We only talk through lawyers.”  Jason went on.  “I’ve already paid thousands of dollars.  So has she, or even more, I bet.  It’s been going on for close to two years and we’re farther than ever from a solution.”

 Pete had been nursing his brew across from us in silence.  “Same with me,” he said, “for two years going on three.  I’m self-employed and hardly make any money.  She’s got a big job.  Just up and walked out on me.  Now I’m looking after my son and have to fight her for alimony.  How am I supposed to do that?   I don’t even know what she wants.”

 I had just signed the legal documents finalizing my own divorce which, from beginning to end, had taken under five months and 3.2 hours of legal bills.   

 “Listen guys.  It doesn’t have to be like that,” I said.  “There is a simpler way.”

 “Yeah, right.  Good luck trying that with my ex,” Jason growled. 

 “Have you tried talking with her calmly?”

 “Dude, you must be joking.  Sure I’ve tried.  But I open my mouth and we end up screaming at each other.”

 “Then shift your reactions.  Let me describe the strategy I used.” I said, and began to outline how co-operative opposition works on yoga poses and at the negotiation table.

 I explained that the key was to “park ego at the door” and to seek the best for both sides.  I described how a mindfulness practice could strengthen the body and help resolve conflict by respectfully balancing opposite forces.

 Pete in particular was intrigued and wanted to know more.  I realized from this conversation that many couples could benefit from putting these simple strategies into practice. 

 Simple they are. But not easy.  We most urgently need to make calm decisions at those times when being calm is most difficult – in the midst of emotional crisis.  When stakes are highest we feel most triggered to attack. For the sake of our children, our wealth and our personal well-being, it’s worth the effort to work past negative emotions, and put ego in its place.  

 I decided then and there to put these suggestions into a book.The Yoga Of Divorce was published by Friesen Press in the winter of 2016. It is available in paperback or hardcover from www.reflectivemediation.ca or on Amazon in paper or e-book versions.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

7 Steps To Agree Despite Uncertainty

In October 2014, when the CBC fired radio host Jian Ghomeshi for allegations of sexual misconduct, I noticed how quickly and strongly many people reacted to the news.  They were outraged.   “How dare a public corporation invade the private life of an employee.”

Those certainties evaporated shortly after when a number of women came forward and spoke of the violence they experienced at his hands.  Public opinion then swung just as quickly to the opposite certainty: he must be guilty. 

He likely is guilty, given the number of women who have spoken out.  I’m not arguing one side or the other, just observing how quickly people claim certainty. 

You can see similar patterns in other public scandals, such as Mike Duffy and the Canadian Senate seeming to be victims one day, culprits the next.  On a broader historical scale, unfounded certainties have obstructed the search for truth and justice from Galileo and the rise of science to the woman’s movement and civil rights.  As a society, and as individuals, we tend to cling to the comfort of certainty, often without bothering to examine the evidence.

If you reflect you will likely see the same pattern much closer to home.  As a mediator, trained to help people resolve interpersonal disputes, I notice that at some point in most conflicts the path to resolution is blocked by an unfounded certainty.  Consider the last interpersonal conflict you had.  Did the other party have a mistaken belief about your actions, intentions, or motives?  Or did you about theirs?  If the conflict got resolved, it’s likely because someone bothered to clear up enough of the misunderstanding to make room for trust.

I’m referring to honest conflicts, when both sides genuinely believe they are right.  In other words, most disputes.

In those situations, the story you tell yourself to justify your own position is probably fine.  After all, you know your own viewpoint.

Danger lies in the story you tell yourself about the other person’s motives.    You might think you know.  But you really don’t.   Once your interpretation becomes a conviction, you are half way toward demonizing your opponent.

Here are 7 steps to get you past unfounded certainties and help you reach agreement.

1.      Challenge your convictions.  Identify which ones are assumptions, not facts.

2.      Avoid assuming your opponent’s motives are less worthy than yours.  It’s healthier and more honest to adopt a neutral, open stance.

3.      Inquire.  Ask your opponent direct, open-ended questions about his or her actions, feelings, motives, goals.  

4.      Listen without challenging, contradicting or defending yourself.  (You’ll get your turn)

5.      Show them you understand their point of view.  (This doesn’t mean you share it, just that you “get” it)

6.      Express your truth calmly, taking responsibility for your actions without casting blame.

7.      Identify common interests and shared goals.

Now you are both ready to begin brainstorming for solutions based on understanding, not assumptions.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.