The Upside of Stress

I published “The Yoga of Divorce” in 2016 to describe how I used yoga to manage the stress that was hijacking my life during my divorce and to forge a win-win amicable parting. I was responding to my fear of stress, based on the widely-accepted view that it could damage my physical and mental well-being. Although the stress reduction practices I outlined there are valid, that viewpoint turns out to be only half of the truth.

Recent research presents compelling evidence that stress can in fact be good for us if we change our attitude to it. In her famous TED talk How To Make Stress Your Friend and in her bestselling book The Upside of Stress, Kelly McGonigal, a researcher from Stanford University, argues that how we think of stress can determine whether we have a full-throttle fight-and-flight style threat response, or whether those same stressors result in increased energy and higher performance.

The evidence comes, in part, from “mindset intervention” experiments developed by David Yeager, a mindset researcher at the University of Texas, in which students listened to a brief talk on the energetic benefits of stress immediately prior to a stressful examination. Students who heard evidence of the upside of stress had improved recall and focus because they viewed stress as an ally rather than an enemy. Those who received the “intervention” not only scored better than those who didn’t, but their grades remained significantly higher throughout the academic year.

McGonigal isn’t denying the debilitating impact of stress. It can undermine your ability to cope and harm mental and physical health, nor does she discount the evidence-based benefits of mindfulness as a tool to manage stress. Her point is that for most of us, most of the time, viewing stress as harmful increases the risk of feeling overwhelmed and hopeless when facing stressful situations. Our fear of stress is the source of its power to harm our health. Her advice is that rather than seeking to avoid or control stress, we can choose to change our relationship to it. She argues that welcoming anxiety and stress, seeing it as a natural source of energy and alertness, can boost confidence and improve resilience.

She reports on a Gallop World Poll spanning 121 countries which showed that the happiest people were not those who report less stress, but those who manage high stress without becoming depressed. The “stress paradox” is her term for the discovery that high stress correspond with distress, and also with a sense of meaning and accomplishment.

When you take this view, life doesn’t become less stressful, but it can become more meaningful. Our culture often celebrates a risk-free life of ease and comfort. McGonigal suggests that we find greater satisfaction from challenging ourselves to meet uncertain goals. Quoting from Antonella Della Fave, she concludes that “the more directly one aims to maximize pleasure and avoid pain, the more likely one is to produce instead a life bereft of depth, meaning and community”.

In this month’s blogpost I’ve introduced this radical shift in thinking about stress; next month I’ll describe McGonigal’s recommendations for HOW we can build a richer, more authentic life by speaking out about our stress and reaching out to serve others.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Learning to Look On The Bright Side

Last month’s blog looked at “learned helplessness”, a kind of paralysis which can take over a person’s life in response to overwhelming stress.  Martin Seligman, the researcher who first named the condition noted its association with pessimism along with a high risk for PTSD and depression.

He used 3 Ps to explain why people give up after being knocked about by life. They come to believe:

1.     Adversity will always occur (is Permanent);

2.     It will occur in all areas of life (is Pervasive) and

3.     They are powerless to change it (is Personal).

This month, the good news. Martin Seligman, who coined the term “learned helplessness” also came up with the concept of “learned optimism”.

Really? Can optimism be learned?

Most mothers will tell you their children were born with either a cheery or fragile disposition. To some extent those traits are hardwired. Yet despite inborn temperament, the evidence is conclusive. Humans have the capacity, with effort, to adjust their disposition and enhance their own well-being. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Learned_optimism

Seligman’s model presents a 5-step ABCDE sequence. Here’s how it might work in the case of Bridget, who I introduced last month. A single parent, she was overwhelmed with having to work, manage the house and monitor her children’s schooling in a pandemic

1.     Adversity: she’s feeling stuck and overwhelmed, yet hasn’t reached out to her mother or best friend.

2.     Belief: she predicts her mother and best friend will give unwanted advice and react impatiently to her complaints. She fears they don’t really care about her.

3.     Consequence: the result of these negative beliefs is that she remains isolated, unheard and lonely and feels powerless to help herself.

Steps A, B & C present the dilemma. Points D & E outline what Bridget can do to overcome her feeling of helplessness.

4.     Dispute: She challenges her assumptions, asking herself how certain she can be that they’ll respond the way she fears. She brings to times her mother and friend were attentive and helpful. She realizes she can’t really know how they will respond if she calls.

5.     Energization: she begins to feel hopeful, that it may be worth reaching out. She notices that she’s still nervous. She’s vulnerable. It will take courage to phone – to share her pain and uncertainty. Only one way to find out - she picks up the phone.

The goal isn’t a quick fix, but to help empower Bridget to think about the situation differently. She can more energetically assess her options and thereby act to improve her mental health.

In his bestselling book Learned Optimism, Seligman suggests that people suffering from learned helplessness pay attention to the underlying thoughts that influence their emotions and behaviours and actively challenge their own hasty conclusions. His technique is a variation of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)

Seligman is NOT claiming we should always be optimistic. He recommends Balanced optimism, deciding NOT to choose an optimistic prediction if the risk of being wrong would be catastrophic. For example, Bridget might consider quitting her job on the optimistic prediction of winning the lottery. If the prediction is wrong, she could end up homeless, so optimism wouldn’t be wise. With respect to calling her mother or friend, however, the risk of being wrong would be no greater than a difficult conversation. It therefore makes sense to make the call.

Next month’s blog looks at “The Upside of Stress” by Kelly McGonigal. Her research concludes that meaning and purpose are enhanced by changing your relationship to stress – by choosing to make discomfort meaningful rather than trying to avoid it – and provides tips on how doing so can empower you to be strengthened and enriched by stress. 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

When Misfortune Leaves You Paralyzed: The Dilemma of “Learned Helplessness”

Bridget is a single mother, suffering in the midst of the pandemic. She feels overwhelmed by the weight of homeschooling her children while working from home at half her former wages. In addition to the necessities of shopping, cooking, cleaning and caregiving, she can’t stop thinking of how she dropped out of college, about the great job she lost, and how her marriage fell apart. After a sleepless night, her life seems to her like a litany of failures with no way out of the gloom. She worries she’s reached the breaking point, yet can’t muster the motivation to call her mother or best friend for support. She imagines they’re tired of her complaints and will just offer unwanted advice. She emails her ex to pick up the kids and crawls back under the covers, trapped and alone.

Many of us have felt something akin to Bridget’s emotional paralysis. You may have experienced a sense of futility that temporarily sapped your motivation. Often it resolves on its own. However, for some, “learned helplessness” becomes a permanent frame of mind, often associated with PTSD and clinical depression. People stuck in a situation, unable to change tracks.

The Oxford dictionary defines “learned helplessness” as “a condition in which a person suffers from a sense of powerlessness, arising from a traumatic event or persistent failure to succeed and becomes unable or unwilling to avoid subsequent encounters, even if they are escapable”. The term was coined by Martin Seligman in 1967 after observing the behavior of dogs who lacked the initiative to escape following repeated exposure to electrical shock, despite being offered the opportunity.

Some of my clients express feeling this way in their family or work life. These are intelligent, well-intentioned individuals who may have felt overwhelmed by divorce, health issues, job-loss or stress at work. They are unable to visualize steps to improve their situation. There is no issue of blame here. Given a world in which external forces impose relentless, unwanted pressures beyond their control, the temptation to believe their situation to be hopeless is entirely understandable. But the sense of hopelessness mires them deeper. It blinds them from seeing the one thing they can control, which is their response.

“Learned optimism” is the answer, and Seligman has emerged as a world expert in the field. Along with other positive psychologists such as Kelly McGonigal, (see her TED talk and book: The Upside of Stress) a powerful movement has emerged making a convincing case that learned helplessness can be overcome, and that an attitude of balanced, realistic optimism can, with effort, be acquired.

Bridget may not be able to transform the circumstances that gave rise to her distress, but she can energize and transform her response.  By challenging her automatic thoughts, by expressing her needs in honest, vulnerable conversations and by connecting with others she can shift the lens through which she sees herself and her world.

In next month’s blog I’ll present a more detailed description of practical steps to overcome learned helplessness, and not only to survive, but to grow stronger in response to unwanted stress.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Tips on Talking About Your Pain (It’s OK Not to feel OK – But Not OK to Hide it Away)

Stress is a major component of modern life and has escalated dramatically for many people during the isolation of COVID, yet it can be hard to talk about.

Few of us know how to be heard.

Take my client Brendan, for example. He’s a healthy teenager in many ways. Frustrated with COVID restrictions, he wants to do what’s right, to be tolerant and brave without being a pain. As a result, he doesn’t talk about his loneliness, or his sleeplessness over worries about finding a girlfriend or choosing a career.

It’s OK for him not to feel OK. His sadness and worry are healthy emotional responses to adolescence in an uncertain world. But he has never been guided to accept that those emotions are healthy, or been shown how they can be managed. His parents tell him not to worry, that it’ll all be OK. His friends change the topic. News feeds he follows make the world look hopeless and heroes in his favorite shows are the strong, silent type.  

Brendan wonders if there is something wrong with him when anxiety takes him into dark places. He feels ashamed and helpless and doesn’t know what to do.

Here are some tips that could help Brendan (and guide you in guiding him):

1.      Find someone you trust to talk to. A parent, older sibling, guidance counselor or trusted adult. Set up a time to chat so they don’t feel ambushed. Let them know in advance you want help talking through some difficult feelings. No shame. No apologies. Vulnerability builds courage. This process will be good for you both.

2.      Sit calmly to observe and find words for your feelings. Try to avoid explaining or judging them. They do NOT define who you are, but it’s important to acknowledge that they’re a big part of your life today.  

3.      Examine the positive “unmet need” beneath each negative emotion. For example, underneath Brendan’s loneliness may be the positive need to connect meaningfully with another person. His desire to be a productive person is behind his anxiety about choosing a career. Uncover the positive values that give rise to the negative emotion. Values come first and are permanent, while emotions come and go.

4.      Focus on what you want – on the conditions and states of mind that are your goals. Stay rooted in those positive values and needs. Dream big. What is it that matters most? Who and how do you want to be? How do you get to that place? Share your vulnerable truth, with all the courage you can muster, then flip each problem upside down by describing what the solution could look like.

5.      Brainstorm practical strategies for moving toward the goal. You haven’t asked for advice up till now, only for an ear. Now you can each throw out ideas. Ignore all the things you can’t do. What resources, what abilities do you have? What windows are open, even a little? How about beginning a fitness regime, downloading a self-scheduling app, setting up Zoom sessions with friends, signing up for an online course. Make a list.

6.      Decide on a few practical, initial steps. Act on them. Begin modestly, but begin now.

7.      Assess progress slowly, patiently. Change is incremental; it takes time. The intention to consciously change is the beginning of emotional self-management. The painful feelings you once feared and resented can now be seen for what they always were: the calls to make changes and the incentives for growth.

Keep in mind the words of Seneca, the Roman orator, who said, “what matters is not what you bear but how you bear it”.

In the realm of self-esteem and emotional health, how you bear it is ALL that matters.

Essential conversations shift youth into an empowered relationship with their emotional life.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

How to Know if Mediation is Right for Your Divorce: The Goldilocks Solution

COVID-19 restrictions have brought Jill and Ron’s marriage to the brink. They’ve agreed to divorce but not to much else. Ron thinks they should hire lawyers to work it out in court and suck up the costs. Jill doesn’t want to spend all that money and time or hand over decision-making power to a judge. To her it’s a no-brainer to hire a mediator to help work things out between them more amicably, quickly and inexpensively.

Is mediation the right solution? It often is, for a number of reasons:

1.     You meet on your own time, at your own convenience, not when the court dictates. It can take a few weeks or months - not a few years as court often does.

2.     You construct your own agreement including terms that make sense to you. The mediator facilitates the conversation but can’t impose any decision.

3.     Costs are lower for two reasons: first, you split the mediator’s fees, rather than each paying the higher hourly fee of a lawyer; second, it almost always requires fewer hours.

4.     Co-parenting is easier after facilitated problem-solving sessions. There is a chance of improving ongoing communications, which is a big win for your children.

5.     Privacy is a guarantee in mediation, unlike court proceedings which are open to public scrutiny.

Mediation is preferred by more and more couples these days, and is successful 85% of the time. That missing 15% shows that it’s not always the best process for everyone. It is “The Goldilocks Solution” for parties who get along “just right”. Exceptions occur when conflict is too low or too high.

Too Low:

If Ron and Jill can amicably work out an agreement at the kitchen table, why hire a neutral third party? They can save the cash. They will only need lawyers at the end, to provide legal advice and prepare a Separation Agreement.

Too High:

If conflict escalates, Jill and Ron won’t negotiate well. This is a judgement call, unique to each case, but generally mediation is NOT recommended when any of the following questions is answered with “yes”:

·     does a history of abuse in the relationship prevent one party from negotiating on his or her own behalf?

·       does substance abuse or a mental health problem prevent Ron or Jill from rational problem solving?

·       is emotional turmoil at a peak, preventing one or both from listening?

·       is one party unwilling or unable to negotiate in good faith?

These situations give cause to pause, although they don’t necessarily preclude mediation. Sometimes it’s best to delay until parties calm down. Perhaps the couple can wait until medical or therapeutic support has been provided.

Mediators are also trained to offer accommodations such as inviting a lawyer or support person into sessions. Shuttle mediation can also be used to keep parties in separate rooms.

Most separating couples are in the Goldilocks middle range, with conflict neither too high or too low, but just right.

To learn more about Divorce Mediation: ReflectiveMediation.ca

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

“Not Yet” Is a Statement of HOPE

“Have you become the person you want to be?”       “Not yet”.

“Do you and your partner fully connect?”                    “Not yet”.

“When will you get your life back from COVID?”        “Not yet”.

Do you hear the note of hope in that phrase? “Not Yet” is a world away from “No Way” or “Never”.

As a professional mediator and communication coach, I often hear from potential clients who desperately wish the tension at home or work would end .... yet they have given up on believing that there’s anything they can do. They shrug and say “there’s no point in wtrying. My partner and I will never connect.”

I find the word “never” to be incredibly sad, because respectful conversations CAN and DO improve people’s lives every day. I see it whenever couples, colleagues or family members listen deeply and speak openly with a simple intention to connect.  It takes courage; and it’s worth it.

Instead of avoiding difficult conversations, take the attitude: “I’ve got to try something.” Doing nothing guarantees it will get worse. Instead, take a risk and give it a try. Allow yourself to work with a partner, parent or mediator to reach agreement on small desired changes, then slowly shift your behaviours, one step at a time.

The key is to begin in a spirit of curiosity, believing your relationships CAN improve. You won’t be perfect. Not yet. Your relationship won’t be perfect. Not yet. Realism is the recognition that healthy relationships CAN be earned with a bit of luck and a lot of conscious effort.  

Don’t buy into the cynical cliche “it is what it is.” That’s just an excuse to do nothing. Those who give up before trying will create a self-fulfilling prophecy. Not because there was no way but because they didn’t start looking for a way. They arrived too quickly at “never,” when the truth all along was “not yet.”

“Not yet” isn’t easy. Perhaps you long for a world of “already everything”; but without winter the spring wouldn’t be so sweet. It’s best to embrace the struggle to grow.

We may always have to live with “Not Yet”. That’s OK. The effort leaves us a little better off than yesterday, and elevates our heart a world away from “never”.

I invite you to join me in the quest.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Steps to Expect When You Give Me a Call

Reflective Mediation is about solving relationship problems by improving communication. You will be dealing directly with me, Mike MacConnell (and my intern for cases of separation and divorce).  Whether through remote video-conference (especially during Covid) or in person, mediation clients meet face-to-face in respectful, facilitated conversations, to arrive at mutual agreement on their issues. Coaching clients work with me privately, face-to-face or by phone.

Inquiry by Email

Our work together usually begins with  an email inquiry to (mike@reflectivemediation.ca or mikegmacconnell@gmail.com) I’ll reply asap answering any initial questions and scheduling a telephone call. If your first inquiry is by telephone, we’re already at the next step.

Telephone Conversation

I call this the “business call”. We arrange for me to call you, or you call 416-433-1314, essentially to vet one another. You want to get a sense of whether you would feel comfortable in this process, working with me, and to have your questions answered, while I’m determining whether your goals, needs and issues are well matched by my skill set.

This call is entirely free of charge, fully confidential, and usually takes about 30 to 45 minutes.

I want to get the broad strokes of your situation. I’ll be listening carefully to understand what the issues are, the obstacles you fear and what goals matter most. Next, I need to ensure you are making a fully informed decision before deciding on the process. These are my practical goals.

I’m also dedicated to a psychological goal. I frequently hear from people in pain, people who feel depleted, discouraged and stuck. My goal is to reassure every client that even the most dire situations CAN improve with calm self-care and respectful communication.

Getting Hired

Those calling about private coaching can move directly to financial arrangements once they have decided to move forward. In mediation cases, because another party is involved, I require a similar, no-charge “business call”. Fully-informed, voluntary decisions are essential from each participant. Once all parties have agreed to move forward, I email an Invoice for payment.

Fees

My standard hourly rate is $190 + HST = $215/hr. Flexible rates can be negotiated on an as-needed basis. Each party normally pays an equal share, thus $107.50/hr. each for a 2-party mediation. I ask for a retainer, preferably by e-transfer, representing anywhere from 3 to 10 hours, depending on the case.

I keep detailed docket on an excel spreadsheet which can be shared at any time upon request.

Any unused portion of the retainer is refunded immediately upon termination of our work together, regardless of the reason for its termination.

Once Hired

Our first conversation upon being hired will be a private, confidential Intake Session. This is the chance for the mediator to screen for trigger issues, and to allow each party to provide more detailed information about their situation, including things they might not wish to share during a joint joint session.

In cases of separation and divorce, each party will be emailed an Agreement to Mediate Form and a Mediation Intake Form to be completed and returned prior to the first Joint Session.

Joint Sessions

We now bring participants together for conversations directed toward respectful listening and collaborative solutions. This brings us into the heart of our work.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Why Don’t Men See It Coming?

I’m a family mediator. I get in the middle of other people’s problems. Things can get loud at times, but I wouldn’t be invited if things were going well.

My clients are most often couples seeking to separate or to save their marriage, but may be siblings who have fallen out of touch, parents at odds with their teenage children or adult children disagreeing about end of life care for their elderly parent. Every situation is unique.

The primary goal, however, is nearly always the same: to find answers to the issues that keep triggering conflict in the relationship. In short, to improve communication.

Participants are often shocked by how quickly they reach agreement, once they get to the table. As the mediator, I’m shocked by how long it takes them to get to the table.  

Here’s another puzzling thing I’ve noticed: it’s almost always the woman who reaches out first.

I’ve had dozens and dozens of cases in my career, and in more than 80% of those cases, the first contact is initiated by a female. What’s going on with that? Why are women the ones who seek help? There are just as many men as women in difficult relationships, just as many men who are suffering emotional pain or hanging on in situations that are stressful.

Why aren’t the men doing the google search and emailing or picking up the phone? 

Take heterosexual couples for example. Almost every case is initiated by the woman, who reports she is “living in parallel”, experiencing minimal intimacy or feeling taken for granted. The man may be a good father, yet acts like he’s on auto-pilot in the relationship, shrugging off her complaints saying “things aren’t really that bad”, dismissing her unhappiness as “an over-reaction”, avoiding the conversation by saying “why can’t we just relax and have fun like we used to?”.

He may look like he doesn’t care but most often he does and just doesn’t know how to express it. That’s what’s so tragic. When she finally says “I’m fed up. I want a divorce,” he feels blindsided. By the time they arrive in mediation he’s the one who presents as most devastated. 

Once our work begins, men are equally able to listen respectfully, to articulate their needs and collaborate on solutions. They are as willing as the women to practice the communication skills I teach, and just as appreciative when they succeed.

So why aren’t they as quick to admit the dysfunction and seek solutions before things fall off the rails?

Is there a way to shake men awake before they wake up alone? Anything helpful you or I can say?

The vulnerability that some men fear (and therefore avoid) is actually the door to their deepest strength and connection. The door can be opened with honest communication, if only they could see it that way.

If you have any thoughts on how to pass men the key, please share your suggestions in the comments below.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Ready, Set, Pivot – Adapting to Unwanted Change

How well are you responding to the astounding changes that COVID-19 has imposed on your life? You’ve suddenly had to shift how you work and shop, how your kids receive their education and even how you socialize. Old disruptors such as e-commerce, online news sites, ride-sharing apps now seem mainstream or even old school.

Changes bring uncertainty; uncertainty breeds stress. We’re all wondering what the new normal will be in two months or two years from now. Truth is – you can’t be certain about what the future will require; but you can control your ability to adapt.

Research studies from multiple sources conclude that individuals with higher levels of adaptability adjust more successfully to shifting social environments, and report higher levels of life satisfaction. Better yet, a 2016 study reported in the Harvard Business Review reveals that adaptability can be learned.

1. Expect to Pivot. Those who adapt well view all change as a fact of life. Instead of feeling victimized by unjust forces, ashamed of past mistakes, or dreaming about “the good old days” they stay in the present, engaged in their work, alert for any opportunity. They’re ready to shift sideways, creating a new way forward.

Let’s say that under the strain of COVID isolation you blew up after your teenager sneered at your request for help with the dishes. Rethink your approach. How can you engage differently, in a way that might connect?  You could negotiate earning privileges by helping out, or express  your stress and need for assistance. You’d better pivot, because the teen is changing so you need to as well.

2. Dwell on Positive Solutions, not Negative Feelings. Emotional awareness is important as a starting place. But you don’t want to remain focused on negative feelings. Repeatedly broadcasting negative emotions hinders our natural adaptation processes. (Wortman, F.B. & Boerner, K., 2007) The alternative isn’t to “toughen up” or ignore your troubles. Instead, use that awareness to motivate a search for practical solutions.

Perhaps you notice you’re feeling a surge of anxiety about the COVID conversion of your home office to a virtual workplace. Treat that as a call to action. You might search YouTube videos that provide instructions on the use of virtual platforms, or ask a tech-savvy colleague for help. To manage the stress, research exercise routines devoted to stress reduction, or download an meditation app.

3. Reflect on Your Values, Not Your Fears. This tip builds on the previous one, starting with awareness of difficult emotions and examining what underlies them. The strategy is to focus on what deeply matters to you – connection, love, creativity, belonging, etc.  Do this by asking yourself what positive, frustrated values are causing the negative feeling.  Here’s an example.

Imagine your income has declined due to the pandemic and you’re drawing on savings. You doubt yourself and feel like a failure.  Dig beneath those feelings. What positive values underlie those emotions? Reflect, and it won’t take long to recognize your sadness and self-doubt are founded on your sense of responsibility. What matters to you is taking care of your family and being a reliable provider. Financial fortunes have changed, not your values or your ethical quality as a person.

4. Accept the Past; Fight for the Future. You may never be free from change, yet you are always free to choose how to respond to it.  Even though you can’t go back to the life you used to have, you can choose whether to lament what’s lost or conjure the courage to embrace the future, employing your freedom to chart your next steps.

Picture lockdown driving a wedge between you and your partner, who has stunned you by demanding a divorce. Your world has turned upside down. Will anger compel you to get even, or will despair drive you under the covers? These understandable impulses both push back against change. Or, once you’ve recovered from the shock, will you dust yourself off, accept that the ground has shifted, and strive for the fairest resolution you can amicably reach?

5. Find Humour in the Situation. Humour lightens the mood, helping you to see the problem from a different perspective and improving social interaction. The difficulties of others are no laughing matter, but finding an ironic twist on your own dilemma casts the situation in a new light.

If, for example, you have been unable to work because of COVID restrictions, you might play with reframing it as an ironic gift. “Hey sweetheart, I’ve been impatient to kick back and relax on vacation and the universe just dropped an unannounced holiday in my lap. And we can’t blow our money on a closed resort – so we’ll vacation here in the back yard.”

You can’t control change. Yet when change happens, how to respond is your choice. Always.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 100 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Tips to Build Resilience in Troubled Times

The COVID-19 pandemic has placed enormous stress on people around the world, those who’ve lost jobs, lost businesses, lost loved ones, or who are trying to work full time from tiny apartments while caring for children who can’t attend school or day care. We are all trying to support each other. But why will some of us have resilience and come out of this period relatively unscathed, while others are at risk of ongoing depression and anxiety? Can adults improve their ability to bounce back?

Resilience, it turns out, is a learnable skill. You can take steps to build it.

If you are juggling working from home with trying to home-school children, the frantic pace of the day may be wearing you down. Practicing Mindfulness for just ten or fifteen minutes a day can help you focus and relax. 

Mindfulness, defined by John Kabat-Zinn as “the awareness that arises from paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment and non-judgmentally” has proven results. His Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction program is an evidence-based approach using breath and body awareness as a way of calming the nervous system, thereby increasing resilience. 

Diane L. Coutu, senior editor of the Harvard Business Review (2002) argues that resilient people possess a number of learnable skills. One key is to Cultivate Acceptance. Rather than resenting circumstances beyond your control, direct attention to what you can control: your responses. Stuck inside with your spouse and the kids? Get together in the kitchen taking turns learning how to make one another’s favourite recipes. 

Coutu’s second suggestion refers to Victor Frankl, the Auschwitz survivor who credits his survival to his ability to Make Meaning out of suffering. Frankl found meaning in the people and the work he loved. No doubt your situation also is laden with opportunity to make meaning. By creating goals for yourself, for your family, for those you love or a cause you believe in, you can rise above the moment to view it from a higher perspective. 

When disaster hits, Improvise, be inventive. Pivot. Challenge yourself to adapt by moving in new and unexpected directions. Coutu recommends you make the most of what you have, putting resources to unfamiliar uses and imagining possibilities you previously didn’t see. You can’t go to concerts, but maybe you can find new artists online, or challenge yourself to learn a favourite song. 

Social isolation doesn’t have to be psychological isolation. It’s crucial to Stay Connected to assure you and your family emerge more bonded and functional than ever. Get curious about what’s really going on with them. Initiate honest conversations. Pick up the telephone. Teach yourself to host free video-conferences with extended family and friends. 

Stressful times can put cracks in your relationships. The persistent effort to heal those rifts may be the greatest gift of a resilient disposition. Maybe you’ll find, as Leonard Cohen says, that “the cracks are where the light gets in.”

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Marriage Story: The aikido Approach

I teach a college course in divorce mediation and was recently delighted by the dramatic opportunity presented by two students who were role-playing an upset wife and husband.  In the role of mediator, I was demonstrating the subtle art of “going with” the other person, a communication technique that entails resisting the automatic tendency to “push back” when you disagree. 

The student playing the “wife” barked out something like “The kids and I would be better off if you were dead”.

These were hurtful words, utterly unhelpful to reaching agreement. The natural reaction would be to halt the exchange with a reminder that parties had previously agreed to speak respectfully. I had no intention to reprimand. Her high emotion provided me with the perfect opportunity to demonstrate the Aikido approach.

Named after an ancient martial art, the Aikido approach, when applied to conflict resolution, teaches how to neutralize an attack without inflicting harm. Rather than retaliating, shaming or proving her wrong, this non-aggressive approach accepts the other person’s position and goes with it.

“That is a surprising statement.” I responded, “Do you mean what you said?”

“I mean every word. My children and I would be far better off if he was dead.”

“You must be carrying enormous pain to have such a wish. Help me understand how you believe it would make your life and the lives of your children better if their father was dead.” I turned to the “husband” and said, “Sir, I appreciate your restraint and ask you, if you can, to listen for the next few minutes without immediately responding.” 

The student playing the “wife” improvised for a few minutes, painting an elaborate portrait of her “husband” as a useless internet-gamer and compulsive YouTube addict who was completely inept in caring for his family. 

At one point the “husband” interrupted, “That’s untrue. You’re exaggerating unbelievably!”

“Sir, difficult as it must be, I’m asking you to let her continue. You don’t need to agree. I am not here to gather evidence or judge who is right or wrong. We are listening to what is true from her point of view. I promise we will soon get to hear your side. Will you agree just to listen for the next few minutes?”

“Ok.” he grumbled.

 “Thank you.”

Turning to her, I said, “Thank you for expressing your point of view. I understand more fully now why this divorce is important to you. Please continue. How do you believe it would it be for your family? Imagine the children after the loss of their father. How would it be for them?”

The student tried to maintain her righteous indignation, but couldn’t carry on for long. Soon, on her own, she admitted her words might have been exaggerated, “Of course, I know the kids would miss him. They would miss playing video games together. And his pancakes. It’s just unfair, that’s all. I earn the salary and I take care of him like he’s one of the kids. He doesn’t carry his weight.”

“Now you’re getting to what matters.” I said, “Carrying one’s weight is an important issue to negotiate. It sounds like you are worried that adult responsibilities are currently out of balance. Sir, do you agree it’s important to balance your parenting responsibilities?”

“Yes, of course I do.”

“Then the two of you agree on an important principle. Now you’re moving forward. Let’s continue.” Her emotions had been legitimized, not shut down, which enabled her to correct herself without being pushed to do so.

Aikido-style negotiation focuses on what makes sense, and avoids getting derailed by what doesn’t. Instead of “fighting for peace” you are “being peaceful for peace”.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

How to Reduce Conflict in Social Isolation

It’s a blessing to have company during social isolation. But it can feel like a curse.

Pick your issue - one way or another, many of us feel triggered and ready to snap at our partners, roommates or children when we’re stuck home with one another – and there’s no place to get away.

For example:

·       She predicts global catastrophe with an air of certainty that you find pompous and depressing.

·       His advice on how to do household chores makes it sound like he thinks you’re incompetent.

Here are a few tips on managing your response when you’re tempted to snap.

What if instead of getting caught up in judging your partner, or feeling criticized, you recognized the other’s behaviour as useful, incoming information about how it is for them? What if you assumed the other person was doing the best they could?  Try finding out. A dose of sincere curiosity can shift the outcome from conflict to connection.

It’s called an Aikido Approach*. Simply put, it’s about “going with” instead of pushing back.

Here’s how it might play out when you feel irritated or overwhelmed:

·       First, get quietly centred in yourself. Check in on your agitated reaction.

·       Notice your impulse. Name it to yourself. Take a slow, conscious breath.

·       “Go with” the other person’s words. Assume their behaviour is a legitimate expression of what they need now. Cultivate curiosity about that.  

·       Inquire into what it looks and feels like for them.

To the global catastrophist you might say:

·       “Tell me more. Your predictions sound pretty dire and scary.   Should I be scared? Do you want to talk it through?”

·       “Are there any steps you think we should be taking to prevent that from happening?”

·       “What are your suggestions about how we can prepare in case that occurs?”

In response to advice on household chores you might say:

·       “I get that doing chores correctly matters a lot to you. We share that. If I did them my way, please explain what you are worried would happen?”

·       “When I hear your advice, it sounds like you doubt my ability. That is upsetting for me. What impact were you hoping to have?” 

·       “Can you suggest a way for us to discuss this more skillfully?”

It’s called an Aikido approach after the martial art that neutralizes conflict without unnecessary force or injury to either side. When someone comes at you, (or their words do) you simply get out of the way and add your own energy to theirs. You unbalance the other’s position, without aggression. Applied to relationships, the Aikido approach defuses conflict by helping you understand the other person, even if you don’t always agree.

Curiosity is hard to summon when you disagree or feel hurt. The natural reaction is to resist, correct, argue, inform, or get even.  It isn’t easy to put your reactions on hold; but curiosity works. It requires an attitude of acceptance, a centred willingness to “go with” the other person rather than push back from a sense of threat.

No need to fake it. No need to agree. Being curious is about genuinely accepting that their point of view and their feelings are as legitimate to them as yours are to you.

Tension is less likely to build. And when it does, find something to ask. When your goal is not to get back at them, you’ll improve your ability to get back with them.

 * Fully articulated in The Magic of Conflict, by Thomas F. Crum, Touchstone Books, 1988.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Ten Tips for Brad and Angelina During Their Divorce

When stars fall from grace it hurts everyone who looked up to them. Part of our dreams fall with them.

All the more so if your own marriage has fallen from stardom to dust. You may find yourself at the same crossroad where Brad and Angelina now stand.

The stars seem prepared to do battle with an army of attorneys. They can afford the expense but what about the emotional toll?  There is an option to seeking vengeance: to heal and move on, putting the welfare of the children first.

When you awaken to a marriage that has crumbled, the first battle happens inside. Will you give in to the urge to win or provide a more civilized role model to your kids through respectful collaboration?

I work as a mediator with divorcing families. They have taught me that the psychologists are right. You don’t need to like your adversary to rise above the fray and become the role model you want to be for your kids. The high road is a steeper climb – but it offers a wiser path.

Brad and Angelina – and anyone experiencing separation – can benefit from these tips:

THINK WISELY

1.   Let the long term goal of freedom outweigh the immediate impulse for revenge.

2.   Don’t give in, but meet your needs peacefully, through negotiation instead of battle.

3.   Look at this conflict as an opportunity for personal growth.

4.   Challenge your hatred, knowing its best for your kids (and for you in the long run) if your ex is healthy and prosperous.

 FEEL DEEPLY

5.   Sit patiently with your pain. Accept it as your teacher, without pushing it away or reacting.

6.   Direct your thoughts away from hostility toward compassion for yourself and your kids. Let that guide your heart.

7.   Connect with the sides of yourself that are resilient, creative and strong. (Impotent anger won’t help. Motivate yourself toward positive goals.)

ENSURE THAT THE KIDS COME FIRST

8.   Change is scary. Reassure them (and yourself) that they have the resources and skills to thrive.

9.   When children ask for the impossible, reduce toxicity by directing conversation toward choices that ARE available.

10. Be the adult you want them to become: honest, engaged, sensitive, and able to have fun. 

If you find yourself going through a separation or divorce, please don't hesitate to get in touch. At my family mediation practice, Reflective Mediation, we help families resolve painful emotional and financial decisions using positive, solution-oriented communication skills. We assist parents to work together in the best interest of their children, for now and the future.  We teach easy-to-learn exercises that can calm emotions, and it’s okay to need a little help with your mental wellness when you’re in distress.

I'd love to connect with you on social media as well. Please follow me on Twitter or like our page on Facebook.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

How to Deal with – and learn from – your feelings about Trump

The Trump victory, for many, was a punch in the belly. It now looks like bullies win, that anger and ignorance and intolerance are in charge.

Reactions to Donald Trump highlight a dilemma we often face. Life sends curve-balls. Is there a way to deal with overwhelming emotion? Is there a healthy way to manage your response to events you can’t control?

The best revenge also happens to be the best defense: equanimity. That is, to stay being engaged while becoming untroubled.

I learned this in the early months of my own divorce, when impotent anger and anxiety made me feel like a cornered animal ready to win at all costs. That pain guided me to my yoga mat in search of relief.

Physical postures and breath-work provided an answer unavailable to my conscious intellect.  Concentration on poses calmed my brain. They didn’t fix the external problem, but quieted the internal one.

Neuroscientists describe equanimity as a detached state of mind in which “you have a kind of space around experiences, a buffer between you and [your] feelings.” (Rick Hanson PH.D., Buddha’s Brain, p 111) 

Relaxed awareness should not be mistaken for aloofness. “Equanimity is neither apathy nor indifference: you are warmly engaged with the world but not troubled by it.” (Ibid) Acquiring equanimity doesn’t rid you of emotion or suppress it.

However, brain scans show that during a meditation or yoga practice you remain as fully aware of emotional impulses as ever, but your nervous system doesn’t get triggered into the hyper arousal of fight-or-flight. Instead you remain clear-headed.

Equanimity allows attentiveness without the distortion that comes from being emotionally triggered.

Photo credit: Boss Tweed via Flickr

So what will you do? Are you going to dwell on Trump and remain upset? Will you get triggered when a dominating person next steps into your life? Do you want to be a role model for your kids? Your best response, always, is to practice equanimity. 

If you plan to be an activist, fighting against ignorance and intolerance, you will be more effective (not to mention healthier and happier) if you are calm and clearheaded.

So where do you begin if you find yourself in an extreme state of agitation about the state of the world since Trump’s election? Here are a few things you can try:

Begin a mindfulness ritual. Even if you’ve never meditated or done yoga before, now is a great time to start. Try the meditation app Headspace and spend 10 minute each morning following a guided meditation journey for beginners. Or find a series of a series of restorative yoga poses on YouTube and give those a try. Some helpful ones can also be found in my book The Yoga of Divorce.

Turn your frustration into concrete action. You may be powerless to do anything about who Trump selects for his cabinet, but you can join an advocacy group to draw attention to the issues that matter most to you. You can also leverage your worry for good by devoting some of your time — face-to-face — to helping those in need. You might volunteer in a soup kitchen or help an immigrant family to get settled, for example.

Spend some time outdoors. When it feels like the world has gone crazy, a walk in the woods — or even around the block — can help to shift your mood and remind you that there is more to life than what’s playing out in the news.

If you need more, get in touch. At my practice, Reflective Mediation, we offer mindfulness training and other stress-reduction practices that have been scientifically proven to rewire the nervous system.  We teach easy-to-learn exercises that can calm emotions, and it’s okay to need a little help with your mental wellness when you’re in distress.

I'd love to connect with you on social media as well. Please follow me on Twitter or like our page on Facebook.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Focusing On Fixing Problems Puts Romance At Risk

Our brains are Velcro for negative thoughts, Teflon for positive.  Evolution has wired us that way.  Nightly news producers know it, which is why, out of a million commuters, you only hear about the ones who don’t get home safely.  Our city functions as a miracle of co-ordinated social and economic activity but we hear about the cases of violence. 

There’s a good evolutionary reason for our predisposition to focus on problems.  Our prehistoric ancestors needed to think ahead, to worry about the coming winter, rival tribes or the next hunt.  They had to sharpen their spears and their wits.  Those who paid too much attention to the bright side may not have survived to pass along their genes.

In modern times (at least in the developed world) our issues aren’t about basic survival.  Attention to problems can motivates us to improve our lives, when done in small doses.  But a preoccupation with your problems can trigger the “fight-or-flight” reaction, which prepares your body for action by shutting down the creative, problem-solving region of your brain.   

 Dwelling on the negative is riskiest in intimate relationships.  When you zero in on the part of your love life that is not going well, you may lose sight of your many blessings.  As a family mediator I often work with spouses whose story of their past is dominated by what went wrong.  Conflict saturates their memory, poisoning their appreciation for anything that remains positive. 

Those painful events DID occur.  He really WAS hurt by her inattention.  She really IS wounded by his critical comments, and those issues deserve attention.  But they aren’t the whole story.   Problem-solving often loses sight of the positive qualities you offer one another.  Whether your goal is to heal or end your relationship, you’ll both benefit by shifting attention from what’s broken to what works.

Whether you’re reflecting on the city, or your love life, you will be at your best with a buoyant appreciation for what’s going well.  The realist sees the big picture.  Not just the problems.   

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

5 Reasons Not To Argue About Motives

I was recently working with a woman who was convinced her ex-husband was trying to alienate the teenaged daughter from her mother.  The malice she believed was motivating her husband had become a preoccupation for her.  The blame game consumed her energy.  The husband claimed he had no such motives.  Was he lying?  Was he in denial about his own deep motives?  I couldn’t be certain any more than his ex-wife could.  But I was sure that her repeated demands for him to change his motives were simply not working. 

The only change available to her was in how she interacted with her daughter.  She had to focus on improving the mother-daughter relationship without getting hung up on what she thought was motivating her husband.  

Here are 5 good reasons to avoid arguing about the other person's motives:

1.       You can’t know if you’re right about his or her motives. Keep your thoughts hypothetical ;

2.       When you impute hostile motives to the other person you make yourself angrier.  This escalates the dispute, and puts you into an emotional state less likely to come up with a solution;

3.       You look like the bad guy when you make angry, explicit claims about his or her motives;

4.       Motives are irrelevant.  The best resolutions focus on objective behaviours that can be observed, known, agreed-to and monitored. 

5.       Discussions of motives rehash the past.  Solutions focus on the future, and to the behaviours you WANT.

When someone hurts you, it’s natural to assume it’s intentional.  “He’s spending more time with our daughter just to win her away from me.”  The reaction is natural and automatic.  You begin to revisit old memories, recasting them to confirm your story of the other person’s malice.

But wait.  Let’s slow down.  You might be right.  Your speculation is one way of explaining what happened.  But you may be overlooking something.  Beware of claiming certainty.  

If your goal is not high energy drama but just to get past the dispute then consider challenging your automatic interpretations of someone else’s motive.  It won’t be easy.  It takes a disciplined act of will to catch yourself in the act and to question your automatic thoughts.  And then to practice patience.

We have enough difficulty gaining certainty about the tangled threads of our own motives.  Let’s not claim certainty about the intentions of others.  We walk a smoother path through life when we walk it with humility. 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Acknowledging Thoughfulness

I was in a rush, unfamiliar with the Toronto subway station I was just about to enter.  I dropped a token into the box, then had a second thought and leaned toward the grille, “Is there a washroom in this station?” I asked.  “It’s kind of urgent.”

The middle aged ticket collector answered, “No there isn’t.  I’m afraid you’ll have to go all the way to Yonge and Bloor.  That’s the closest one.”

I pushed through the turnstile but she called me back.  “Hey, Mister.  There’s a Tim Horton’s just outside here and around the corner to your left.  Why don’t you go on over there?  I know you’ve paid and I’ll remember you when you come back.”

I thanked her and made a quick exit.  A few minutes later I was in a bathroom, full of gratitude for the execution of a simple bodily function.  And gratitude for her.  It would have been easier for her to sit there half asleep, to answer my question and just direct me down the line.  That was all her job required.  But she had been sharper than that.  Her thoughtful suggestion was a human response to another human’s discomfort. 

She had gone out of her way, and I wanted her to know I had noticed.  We busy city folk don’t appreciate our blessings often enough, and too rarely express it to others.

When I returned to the turnstile she nodded and waved me through.  I paused before passing, and again leaned in toward the grille.  She was sitting up on one of those high leather stools, not expecting me to stop.  Her smile froze when she saw that I was about to say something and I realized in an instant that the pause of a patron normally meant that she was going to hear trouble.  She sat back, eyes wary, waiting for a complaint.

“I just want you to know how much I appreciate your thoughtfulness,” I said.  “It’s a pleasure to see someone who brings quality to their job.  The public isn’t known for expressing gratitude, so I don’t imagine you often have a chance to hear praise, but you deserve it today.  You cared enough to respond creatively.  You’re not just on automatic pilot.”

“No, I don’t often hear compliments,” she said.  She was smiling warmly, and seemed to sit more relaxed in her chair.  “Thank you for that.  You’ve made my day.”

“You made mine,” I replied, and walked on through the turnstile.

There was a line-up building behind me.  I hoped she wasn’t going to get grief from any impatient transit riders.  But it wouldn’t have mattered. 

Today she had a little extra insulation against insensitivity.

We both did. 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Emotional Intelligence Saves A Difficult Conversation

Three of us were seated around a table in my office, three hours into difficult divorce negotiations.  The couple had made progress around childcare and custody issues, but tension reached a critical point when the topic shifted to finances.

His opening salvo pulled no punches.  “I understand I’ll need to contribute spousal and child support.  We’ll get down to those numbers later.  But no way am I going to keep paying for all the additional tutoring and special education classes you’ve got the kids enrolled in.  None of it is necessary.”

Her agitation was palpable.  Colour rose to her face and she shifted uncomfortably in her chair.  I raised my hand with the “time out” sign.

She waved me off.  “It’s ok,” she said.  “I’ve been practicing.”  She was referring to a private session she had requested a few days earlier to work on ways to stop losing her temper.  I had explained about "neural hijackings", how the emotional brain gets overloaded by stress and triggers the fight-or-flight response, short-circuiting our capacity for rational thought.  These automatic hijackings are natural but devastating.  There is good news too, since strategies can be learned to enhance E.Q. (emotional intelligence) and prevent this loss of control.

She had rehearsed ways to recognize the anger before it exploded.  We had done some calming breath work, which she promised to practice daily.  I had also role-played being a verbal aggressor so she could practice the calm, inquisitive responses of Active Listening to defuse the cycle of anger. 

I watched, impressed, as she calmed herself with a long, slow breath. 

“What you're saying is new to me,” she spoke in an even tone.  “Please explain your reasoning.  We’ve been supporting these special education classes for over three years.  Why do you think they’re unimportant now?”

I was impressed.  This was textbook Active Listening.  Instead of blowing up and derailing the conversation, she was respectfully inquiring into the other person’s thinking without making any negative comments about his character or accusations about his motives. 

The tone of his reply seemed to be scaled down a notch.  He stated that he thought three years should be enough.  “If the learning disabilities haven’t been corrected in three years then it was a waste of time and money.  Now that we’re supporting two homes we are both less wealthy.  We need to cut costs somewhere and this is a good place to start.”

She replied that she didn’t agree.  But instead of getting frustrated and reverting to attack mode, as she would have done previously, she went straight to Plan B.  “Look,” she said, “We clearly don’t agree on this point.  I suggest we put it aside for now.  Let’s both think about it.  Perhaps later it can be a bargaining chip.  If we still can’t agree, let’s ask for advice fromthe psychologist who did the educational  assessment.  We'll do what she recommends.” 

How could he argue?  They hadn’t reached agreement on the point, but her mindfulness in the moment had prevented an emotional explosion and mapped a way to positively approach the topic in the future.

She reminded me once again that E.Q. really can be learned.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.

Elder Care - Dealing With Confusion

I was on night shift in my father’s bedroom during the final days of his palliative care.  I heard him struggling with his covers and opened my eyes.  The digital clock read 4:00 a.m.  He was sitting up by the time I turned on the nightlight and came over to his side. 

I helped him walk to the commode, then back to his bed where I handed him a glass of water.

“The ship is rocking a lot.  There may be a storm tonight and they’ll be closing down the ship’s casino.  Is the sea very rough?” he asked.

“Probably is,” I replied. “Do you feel the floor moving?”

There was a long pause.  We sat on the bed, side by side.  “Wait one second.  You’re putting me on.  We’re not on a cruise ship, are we?”

“No dad.  We’re not.” I replied.  ‘You’ve been dreaming.  And that’s no surprise considering the amount of morphine they’ve got you on to manage the pain of your cancer.”

He turned to look me in the eyes.  “Then why did you lead me on instead of correcting me?  Tell me the truth, am I losing my mind?” he asked.

I put my arm around his shoulder.  “No, you aren’t losing your mind,” I answered.  “Absolutely not.  Far from it.  I didn’t want to contradict you, that’s all.  Despite the morphine you seem to be able to see through the haze just fine on your own, at your own pace, in your own time.  You don’t need correction.  Here, have some more water.”

He lifted the glass to his lips with two gnarled hands.  “I never knew water could taste so good,” he chuckled.  “All my life I’ve drunk coffee and maybe orange juice in the mornings, beer and booze in the evening.  I don’t think I ever really tasted water when I was younger!”

“You’re probably right.  As a kid I don’t remember that we ever had water at the dinner table.  Now thanks to Helena, one of your Personal Support Workers, we have noticed that drinking lots of water clears your mind.”

“And gets me up all the time to go to the can.  I’m glad we’ve got the commode here in my bedroom.”

“You’ve exercised all your life and you’re still moving around a lot now,” I said.

“All these years I’ve been a dehydrated old alcoholic.”

“Yes, dad,” I laughed.  “You’ve been a lusty, thirsty man.  Here, have some more water.”

He tilted back the glass and enjoyed another few gulps of Toronto’s finest tap.   

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike MacConnell, founder of Reflective Mediation, is an accredited family mediator, conflict coach, educator and author. He is the highest-ranked mediator on Google in the greater Toronto area, with over 180 5-star reviews. To book your free consultation click here.